And so, for all their efforts to pave new ground, producers find themselves faced with a repeat of the "Survivor: All-Stars" in which Boston Rob and Amber met, fell in love, somehow eluded immediate ejection from the island, and took home the million-dollar prize. Then they got married and appeared on "The Amazing Race" not once, but twice, proving that, far from being a dangerous move strategically, falling in love while the reality TV cameras roll might just be a sound long-term marketing plan for budding reality TV stars.
On the "Fan" tribe, of course, we find exactly the sorts of faceless nobodies who become tomorrow's "Favorites." Well, OK, they're maybe a little dorkier and more outspoken and enthusiastic than usual, but also slightly bigger and stronger than usual, so that they might bring shame and humiliation to the "Favorites" camp.
But the real draw among the Fans is "Kathleen," a strange alien life form that appears to be visiting us from a star system far, far away. "Kathleen" began her data-gathering mission immediately upon hitting the beach, approaching the Earthling Chet to inquire about his lifestyle choices.
Kathleen: OK, you're a homosexual?
Chet: OK...
Kathleen: Or gay. I don't even know the right word to use!
Chet: You're cool so far. I don't get offended, so don't worry.
Kathleen: Is gay OK?
Chet: Sure.
Kathleen: It doesn't mean, like, you wanna be a girl, right?
Chet: Oh, no! Heavens, no!
Kathleen: (voice-over) Well, I knew that Chet was a homosexual right away. You know, you could just tell he is. But I've never been friends with a homosexual. I think I worked with somebody in the 1980s bartending that was gay, but that's been about it.
Kathleen: You know, you can be my first gay man friend!
Chet: I absolutely will.
Kathleen: Because I never had a gay man friend!
Chet: I bet you have, you just don't know.
Chet chuckled and hugged "Kathleen," and then we cut to him appearing to cringe as the strange biped relocated to gather more intergalactic data on Tracy, a busty blonde who works in commercial real estate.
Kathleen: I've never seen implants, ever! I've never seen 'em up close!
Instead of answering "I bet you have, you just don't know" as Chet did, Tracy mumbled something about the possibility that her breasts weren't fake, to which Kathleen smirked and rolled her eyes, a gesture that her Earth Guidebook assures her is an expression of disbelief, hopefully one that might elicit a more truthful self-description from the Earthling in question.
But "Kathleen" must be a more intelligent life form than she appears, because by the end of last week's episode, not only were Chet and Tracy her two closest allies, but she also managed to befriend Cirie while the two spent time hunting down the immunity idol on Exile Island.
Of course, "Kathleen" didn't really need another immunity idol, since she found one on the first episode and used it to keep herself safe from her non-allies, the younger segment of the tribe who'd taken to calling her "the crazy lady." All of which really goes to show that survival isn't just a matter of adaptability, flexibility and tact, but also one of good luck.
Terrible twos
Good luck certainly shines on the "Big Brother" franchise, which, thanks to the very long writers strike that finally ended last week, has been plucked from the ghetto of the summer schedule. In a testament to just how desperate CBS is to fill its prime-time slots, "Big Brother" will air a whopping three times a week, just as it usually does during the summer.
Now for the big twist and the even bigger title. This season of "Big Brother" will feature eight teams of two singles who were paired up based on extensive personality profiles. The teams will sleep in the same bed, vote together, and get kicked out of the house together, hence the unnecessarily long title "Big Brother: 'Til Death Do You Part" (9 p.m. Tuesdays, 8 p.m. Wednesdays and Sundays on CBS).
Yes, I was scoffing, too, and pointing and jeering at host-robot Julie Chen, and I snorted and chuckled as it was revealed that exes Sharon and Jacob would not only be sharing the same "Big Brother" house, but they'd also be sharing the same bed and sharing the prize money if they won. I guffawed loudly as I learned that current couple Jen and Ryan would compete against each other on separate teams, with separate love matches, and they hoped to keep their status as a couple secret from the other housemates. As Chen announced these twists, meant to stir things up straight out of the starting gate, I smirked and rolled my eyes at Chen, a gesture that my Robotic Reality Show Host Guidebook assures me is an expression of disbelief, hopefully one that might elicit a downward glance of shame from the robot in question.
But then Jen and her love-match Parker won the first "Power Couple" competition, which meant they had the power to kick out one couple. One of the exes, Jacob, immediately started spreading stupid lies about Parker for no reason whatsoever, other than to "stir shit up," so Parker and Jen kicked out Jacob and Sharon. Next, Jen was feeling uncomfortable and jealous of her boyfriend Ryan's partner, Allison, so she let Parker know that she and Ryan were actually a couple. Then Ryan told his partner Allison, who looked genuinely hurt and disappointed. Instead of being excited about the obvious advantage they had, thanks to the fact that their partners were romantically involved, Parker and Allison were suspicious and envious. Allison told the cameras that Ryan deserved someone more like her and less like Jen, his actual girlfriend, and she said that she was tempted to tell everyone their secret.
In short, the two major twists that "Big Brother" producers set up for the season have already been ruined just two episodes into the show: The exes who were supposed to fall back in love have already been booted out of the house, and the secret couple is about to be exposed to the entire house, despite the fact that it ensures that they and their partners will be booted within a few weeks if not days, because no one wants two players around with such a strong natural alliance.
Warning: Spoilers ahead for those who haven't seen Sunday night's episode. The sad thing is, any viewers who switched over to Showtime's "Big Brother After Dark" after the show's premiere could see that Jen and Ryan's secret was already out, that everyone in the house knew about it, and that both Jen and Ryan and their teammates were on the chopping block. Keep in mind, these are things that viewers watching the regular broadcast won't even find out until Sunday night. (Yes, it goes without saying that this is the behavior of a washed-up reality TV addict, and I really don't recommend it.)
Anyway, after the fireworks of last season's daddy-daughter reunion, and the fact that Eric kept his "America's Player" status secret for the entire season and found love with housemate Jessica in the process, the producers have to be more than a little disappointed that they recruited the World's Worst Secret-Keeper Ever to keep one of their biggest twists a secret for all of three seconds.
Next page: Reality devours "Paradise Hotel 2"