Pup is up
For those looking for something similarly relaxing to watch, but who can't quite stomach the meatheads and acrid tartlets of reality television, might I recommend another group of very idle beings, albeit ones with far more personality and flair than the "Big Brother" houseguests?
Welcome to the Sleeping Dog Channel, an online video site by the geniuses at World of Wonder productions. The site shows nothing but dogs sleeping, which makes it a little less interesting than, say, "Dancing With the Stars" and a little more interesting than "CSI: Miami."
What is it about watching dogs sleep that's so relaxing? Whether it's the heavy-lidded blinking of Chloe or the worried brow and paw licking of Stella, the Sleeping Dog Channel offers so many hours of commercial-free enjoyment that it's sure to make its creators rich, I tell you, rich as kings!
Now if only they could recast "Paradise Hotel 2" with rescue dogs, the show would be much improved: "Residents of Paradise, there's a twist! Instead of bringing a new man to Paradise this week, we're bringing a male collie mix, a female Great Dane-lab mix and a litter of Jack Russells! Will you continue to get drunk and make out with your current roommate, or would you rather drink to excess, then frolic with a room full of high-energy puppies, and send your current roommate packing?"
The harried leisure class
The irony, of course, is that truly idle human beings are, like caged animals, more neurotic and anxious than the rest of us. Look no further than "The Real Housewives of New York City" (11 p.m. Tuesdays on Bravo) for proof. Despite a lot of big talk about their careers, these high-strung New Yorkers don't appear to have a lot to occupy their time, outside of beauty treatments, shopping and socializing. Oh, but don't think for a second that you can't create a world of stress and pressure from these seemingly relaxing pursuits! These desperate housewives make play look like serious work.
Of course, the real draw of this show is to marvel at the hopeless tackiness of people who claim to be elite. The most objectionable of the lot may be Alex, who loves to brag about how perfect her life is and how superior her taste is. She doesn't go to the Hamptons in August like so many wealthy New Yorkers; she goes to St. Barth instead. Why? "For a vacation, I want to relax. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder to see if there's somebody I need to impress sitting at the next table." My, how down to earth of you!
Naturally the only "Real Housewife" who isn't seriously cheesy, LuAnn, is a major snob. She's married to a man whose actual name is Count Alexandre, and her daughter Victoria, who's 12, shows horses and has been riding since she was 5. When loudmouthed fellow "Real Housewife" Ramona shows up at the Hampton Classic horse show where Victoria is riding, LuAnn sniffs at how out of place Ramona looks in her big hat and her dress, saying, "I think she thought it was like the big tent day, where you get all dolled up and it's all about the hat and the dress? This day was all about the show, and the jumping." Oh yes, it's so very easy to break some crucial rule in the hallowed, horsey Hamptons!
Meanwhile, poor Ramona nervously grips her photocopied schedule of the day's events and fires questions at LuAnn like she's the new girl at school, while LuAnn snipes to a friend, "She keeps asking me all these questions about the show and I'm going, I don't know, I'm watching."
But the pettiness has only just begun! Later "Real Housewife" Jill feels hurt that Ramona didn't invite her to a cooking party, and seeks revenge -- how else? -- by challenging her to a doubles match at tennis. LuAnn, who's tall and athletic, is Jill's partner (and they're actually friends). After her husband, Mario, shouts several instructions from the sidelines, Ramona loses her cool and tells him to keep quiet. For WASP-y LuAnn, the whole display is lamentable.
LuAnn: I was in shock! She told him to shut up. She told him to leave! I was like, oh my God, if I ever spoke to the Count like that he would be out of town, permanently!
Yes, this woman, who refers to her husband as the Count, feels comfortable casting judgment on others. Now I can't get that counting vampire from "Sesame Street" out of my head. One absurdly snotty remark! Two absurdly snotty remarks! Muhaha!
But LuAnn and her equally judgmental fellow "Real Housewife" Bethenny give the NYC version of this show what the Orange County version so sorely lacked: a voice of reason, however nasty and condescending that voice happens to be. Those bad, cheesy women in Orange County would parade around in ass pants with their fake jugs on display, throwing back margaritas and flirting with men 20 years younger than they were, and while you had to admire their pluck and sass, some small part of your brain couldn't help screaming, "Why doesn't someone tell these women to keep their voices down?"
Unlike the Orange County "Real Housewives" who looked like they'd been surgically transformed into creepy old Barbie dolls, LuAnn and Bethenny wear the life of leisure rather well, like they spend most of their time playing tennis and brushing stray dust off the bed linens. They're fit, they're smart, they have good taste. In a teaser for next week's show, Bethenny even observes that Alex "overcompensates for insecurity by being pretentious."
Needless to say, this is totally unacceptable. We aren't supposed to respect or envy the idle rich; we're supposed to pity them! Luckily, though, next week Bethenny's boyfriend gets commitment-phobic and the Countess's children get lice. Yes, the good Lord (or at least the executive producer) is on our side after all!
Drawing conclusions
The lives of the idle force us to ask ourselves a difficult question: If we freed ourselves from the puerile persistence of productivity, would we find happiness? Or would living without lists make us listless? Would we find ourselves quick to temper without little tasks to ground us? Would idleness only make us more aggressive, or tackier, or snobbier? Maybe we should feel grateful to those endless to-do lists, for keeping us safe from the neurotic tics and existential crises of the leisure class!
Next week: On Showtime's "The Tudors," the idle whims of Henry VIII take down the Roman Catholic Church!
About the writer
Heather Havrilesky is Salon's TV critic. She also maintains the rabbit blog. You can find more of her columns in the I Like To Watch directory.
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