I Like to Watch

May 25, 2008 | Trying new things is great, as long you have adequate insurance coverage. Eating new things can be fun, as long as you don't stumble on some deadly food allergy in the process. Traveling to new places can enlighten and invigorate you, as long as you don't pick up an exotic disease or get thrown into an overseas prison. Having sexual experiences with a new person can be exhilarating, as long as you stop in the heat of the passion to inquire about the person's sexual history, then ask to examine their supply of condoms so you can check the expiration date.

It's important to be spontaneous in life (it'll keep you young!) as long as you take the proper measures to beat every last remaining drop of spontaneity out of each new situation (it'll keep you alive!). This is the carpe diem paradox: You can seize the day all you want, as long as it doesn't involve risking your life or tapping into your retirement savings.

Maybe if we didn't need so much complicated paperwork and so many high-priced consultants just to live responsibly in this modern world, it would be possible to stop and smell the flowers. But to stop and breathe in the sweet scent of floral blooms without calculating the tax ramifications, the subsequent loss in income and the potential damage you'll incur to future earnings isn't just irresponsible -- it's downright reckless.

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Nonetheless, once you've done the research and completed a thorough cost-benefit analysis and examined the rare (but extremely dangerous) risks involved and made sure that your insurance covers all the possibilities, thereby preventing any impact on the long-term well-being of either you or your family, then trying new things is awesome!

Swinging it
It wasn't always like this. Just look at the carefree married couples of "Swingtown" (premieres 10 p.m. Thursday, June 5), the drama that CBS hopes will take it from the geriatric realm of "Touched by an Angel" and "Ghostwhisperer" (aka "Touched by a Titty") to a hipper, younger, more impulsive universe where everyone has lots of disposable income to spend on luxury mid-size SUVs.

Yes, incredibly enough, throwing a show on the air that seems (at least on paper) like it's racy enough to belong on "Showtime" (aka the Bare Ass Channel) or HBO (aka the Full Frontal Channel) may be the best way to court rich young viewers. And make no mistake about it, in this challenging global economy, CBS cannot sustain itself on demographic undesirables who would still watch "Murder She Wrote" and "Matlock" reruns if they had the option.

Thus do we find ourselves among the '70s-sexy married couples of Chicago, highly attractive and successful men and women who would be tossing back pints of beer and flirting with bedheaded rocker boy-toys and whoring sea donkerellas if this were a few decades later. Instead, these couples started dating in high school, and many of them feel a little trapped, not so much in the Betty Friedan sort of way, more in the stash-a-dog-eared-copy-of-"The Hite Report"-in-your-nightstand sort of way. Susan Miller (Molly Parker), for example, feels a little winsome and wistful over the fact that her somewhat simple-minded husband, Bruce (Jack Davenport), thinks "foreplay" is some kind of an illegal forward pass in basketball. When she tries to talk about "wanting more" with her neighbor and best friend, Janet (Miriam Shor), Janet blurts out, "All these years, I had no idea you were so unsatisfied!"

But everything changes when Susan and Bruce (Best. Seventies. Names. Ever.) move to a more expensive neighborhood and across the street from Trina (Lana Parrilla) and Tom Decker (Grant Show), two sexy swingers who regularly lure single women and couples into their bed for making the love. Trina and Tom spot Susan and Bruce early on and resolve to get them in the sack pronto, despite Tom's assessment of the couple as something of a challenge.

Tom: A little bit straight and narrow. Might be kind of a tough sell.

Trina: Easy is boring!

Looking both boring and easy, Susan and Bruce show up at a party at Trina and Tom's house, cast a quick glance at the hip swingles in the mix, and are immediately glad that they tried something new for a change. When Tom starts rubbing Susan's shoulders and Trina beckons them both to bed, the couple exchanges a look that says, "Hey, it's not like it's going to be the '70s forever" and follows them into the bedroom. Sadly, though, we viewers at home, don't follow them into the bedroom. Instead, we come to our senses and realize that this is CBS -- which is a little like interrupting your make-out session to hear the harrowing epic tale of your potential partner's sexual history.

Meanwhile, neighbor Janet, who has never owned a copy of "The Hite Report" in her life, wanders into Trina and Tom's groovy basement and discovers a writhing mass of naked bodies (although, this being the Touched By An Imaginary Titty Channel, all we see is one man's face). Janet freaks out and insists on leaving the party, much to her husband Roger's chagrin.

Let's see, what else? Susan's teenage daughter has a crush on her sexy teacher, Susan's son has a crush on the girl next door whose mom appears to be a wanton coke whore, there's another nostalgic '70s hit song every few seconds ("Love, love will keep us together!"), and people actually say things like, "Who's up for a Harvey Wallbanger?" Basically, the whole thing is stylish and '70s-sexy but also shallow enough to feel like a less funny, hollowed-out combination of "The Wonder Years" and "Boogie Nights" -- which is exactly what the show's creators told the New York Times they were aiming for (without using the words "less funny" and "hollowed-out" of course). Every story line seems to lead down the same sexy, sexy sex path, but the carefully drawn characters and overriding sense of foreboding of, say, "Mad Men" are clearly missing from this picture.

Whether or not "Swingtown" will move past its easy-breezy-"Desperate Housewives" zaniness and "Ooo, family life is hard!" Judy Blume tone, at least it should prove unsettling to the "Murder She Wrote" crowd. Personally, I think this show needs both a little more darkness and more of a sense of humor. Take out some of the "Wonder Years" and throw in more "Dazed and Confused." Then we can really reminisce about the good old irresponsible '70s, when packs of unvaccinated dogs roamed the neighborhoods along with packs of long-haired hippie kids, who spent most of their time getting high and bashing in mailboxes with baseball bats. Those were the days!

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