I Like to Watch

Careless whisperers
Just ask Cesar Millan. The now-legendary Dog Whisperer has always recognized the inherent comedic value of bad dogs trying desperately to beat back their own worst impulses under highly challenging simulated real-life scenarios. Whether he's leading a dog around a narrow alley as skateboards and bicycles fly past or placing his tender ankles in the path of a known ankle-biter, Cesar Millan is the Greatest American Dog Hero. (Just ask my dog Potus, who was in awe of his immortal wisdom when she met him a few years ago.) "Dog Whisperer" (8 p.m. Fridays on National Geographic) features a few particularly excellent episodes in the next few weeks, focusing on some of Cesar's most challenging (and therefore most entertaining) cases yet. In one of my favorite episodes (airs 8 p.m. Friday, Aug. 1) Cesar encounters a troubled Rottweiler named Apollo who's about to be euthanized because he's too fearful and aggressive for anyone to adopt. After assuring Apollo's only friend, a teenager who volunteers for a rescue shelter, that he's going to come up with an "estrategy" for saving Apollo, he decides to admit the dog to his Dog Psychology Center in South Central L.A.

After a few days at the center, Cesar decides to see if he can convince Apollo that some human beings are too confident and trustworthy to bite. I love his approach with scary dogs, which is basically, "Don't be afraid of this doggie, or he'll rip your throat out!"

Cesar: (speaking to the camera, pointing at the fenced area where Apollo is crouching in the corner) The human who goes in there has to be very calm and assertive, because he will come after you. All right. (Signals cameraman to follow him -- poor guy.) Cesar: Hear the bark, hear the bark, OK? Be with me. Boom, boom boom boom! That bark doesn't have any aggression in it. He's just telling you, "I'm not sure about your approach, guys!"

Cesar goes closer, looking very calm. Apollo avoids eye contact, but stops barking. Cesar waits, then puts a rope around Apollo's neck, and ties the other end to a pit bull puppy. This way, the puppy can show Apollo how to trust humans. Instead of eating the puppy alive and then turning on Cesar, Apollo relaxes and then starts to play with the other dogs. Success!

Another great episode (airs 8 p.m. Friday, July 25) involves a professional "Animal Communicator." For a price, Susan Hill will come to your home and tell you what your dog is thinking -- you know, stuff like, "You're getting fat, you know" and "Let's go to the pet store and pick out a nice, slow bunny rabbit."

After we learn all about Susan's magic ways with animals ("quite often the animals are misunderstood"), we meet her two Doberman Pinschers, who are insanely violent and require muzzles just to walk down the street. Susan explains that her female Doberman, Jody, is "anxious" because she's had really bad experiences in the past that she'd really rather not discuss. Instead of doing a dramatic spit-take right in Susan's face, Cesar politely offers to take Jody on a walk. On the walk, Cesar quickly observes that Jody doesn't seem remotely anxious.

Susan: Jody says you know just what to do. Cesar: Thank you, girl! Can you send that message to my wife?

After walking both of Susan's Dobermans together, though, Cesar notices that Susan's male Doberman, Zeus, is very anxious. Cesar decides that Zeus is the one triggering Jody's bad behavior, but refrains from asking why the dogs never mentioned this to Susan in one of their many long conversations with her.

I love it when Cesar tells stubborn, defensive dog people that they've got it all wrong. But then, it's hard not to want to see dog-crazy humans shaken by their lapels every now and then -- although not by other dog-crazy humans, like the judges on "Greatest American Dog," who are anxious to berate those dog owners who dare to use the wrong tone in addressing their doggies. Pragmatists like Cesar Millan are here to calmly and assertively explain to us that dogs are more relaxed when they don't think their owners are helpless lumps of insecurity and neediness.

Which of course means that most of us probably shouldn't own dogs. Yet the things that make us crappy owners are also the reasons we own dogs in the first place. Our obsessive love of dogs is a side effect of our isolation and neediness, not the cause. Dog people are weirdos? Most people are weirdos. At least the dog people have a cute little buddy with them to distract us from what freaks they are. Plus, sometimes it takes a lunatic to see the obvious -- that we're the inferior species in this picture, even if we don't sniff each other's butts and eat stuff off the pavement. Compared to dogs, we're insensitive, apathetic and downright ugly. Thank God dogs love us anyway!