I Like to Watch

Yes, Shark Week and "MythBusters" are birds of a feather, so much so that the "MythBusters: Shark Special" (9 p.m. Sunday on Discovery) takes on some of the same shark myths that Les Stroud does in his segment. It begins by testing the notion that thrashing around will get you attacked more quickly than playing dead (Shouldn't they just ask Bionic Bob?). MythBuster Grant Imahara goes in the water and plays dead, while MythBuster Tory Belleci gets in and thrashes around and yells. The sharks gather around Tory, since they're attracted to "panicky, erratic movement because they associate those cues with injured fish." I guess this means that swimming slowly to the boat is OK, but thrashing or yelling or splashing wildly is a very bad idea.

The MythBusters also build an enormous animatronic shark, fitting it with steel teeth and snapping jaws, just to test the notion that a victim could punch a shark in the eyes to stop an attack. The whole exercise feels a little silly and arbitrary, the sort of self-indulgent, digressive and inconclusive project that only a real science geek could love. As hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman gush and giggle through their big experiment, adding jagged edges to their steel teeth and perfecting their generator-powered snapping jaw, it's sort of like watching kids concoct elaborate safety equipment for their raw eggs in physics class: "With my dual-suspension rubber-band system providing a check for the integrity of this Styrofoam core, I'm fairly confident the egg will remain intact after its two-story drop!"

And while this spirit of arbitrary musing is right in line with the spirit of Shark Week itself, I must admit that the "MythBusters: Shark Special," which is two hours long, really does drag on and on. If you're fully committed to riding that shark wherever it takes you, I'd suggest filling the dull moments like I did, by reading about the sinking of the USS Indianapolis and the shark attacks that occurred in its wake, or by reading about how common fatal shark attacks are (I like this handy chart, which shows that fatal attacks are rare indeed), or by reading about the fatal great white shark attack in San Diego earlier this year. Sharks know how to keep us on edge, even if TV producers don't.

Runway skids
And while we're tackling long-standing and rather arbitrary traditions, it's time to address the fifth season of "Project Runway" (9 p.m. Wednesdays on Bravo), which is circling the warm waters of summer television and devouring all of the inferior programming in its path.

But who are the big, predatory fish in this school of whimpering, insecure nail-biters? Personally, I fear Suede, the 37-year-old designer from Ohio who won last week's cocktail dress challenge, the way I'd fear anyone who refers to himself repeatedly in the third person. "It is going to be a long night for Suede." "Suede's a bisexual Sagittarius and loves long walks on the beach!"

But does Suede make clothes out of suede a lot, and is that how he chose his name? If so, why doesn't rocker-fashion-guru Stella rename herself "Leather"? Stella is frustrated by this challenge, you see, because the models were charged with buying the fabric for the dresses, and her model didn't buy her fabric of choice. "I just want to stick to my leather," she tells anyone who'll listen. "I want to just sew leather? Burn it up, dye it up, grommet it, pyramid it, stud it, spike it. I want to make my leather!"

Soon, Blayne, who until this point appeared nothing more than a gap-toothed tanorexic, starts making fun of Stella in the next room. "My husband's leather! All my kids came out of me leather!"

Stella responds, in her deadpan Queens accent, "Remove that piece of leather from the center of your teeth, there." It looks like the fight is on, but Blayne plays dead, giving Stella a hug while cooing, "Oh, I love your leather face!"

At least these designers are starting to understand that we care less about their freaky dresses than we do about their ability to verbally spar, laugh, insult each other, make up and cry big salty tears over the unforgiving nature of this or that fabric.

And look, here comes Natalie Portman as guest judge, damning with faint praise! "It fit well," she says brattily of Stella's dress, which looks like something that should be made of leather. But then, when it comes to Bettie Page look-alike Kenley, Portman can't stop gushing ... about how cool and pretty she is. "She had such a great vibe, it's like some, like, broad out of the '40s, like, came up and you know ..." Then, maybe in reaction to some amused but icy looks from those predatory know-it-all judges Michael Kors and Nina Garcia, she starts to trail off. "... Which I think is a lot of what being a designer is, you have to have a personality, and ..." Wow. Sometimes I'd really love to see the uncut, unedited version of the judges' discussions.

Finally the judges are left trying to decide whether to dismiss Leanne or Wesley, whose models both chose the exact same ugly brown satin for their dresses. Since it's tough to tell the difference between Wesley's ill-fitting, awkward brown satin minidress and Leanne's overly adorned, Peter Pan brown satin minidress, the judges must've left it up to Portman, who perhaps said of Wesley's look -- sports jacket, short shorts, knobby knees and red shoes -- "It's like some, like, schoolboy out of the '80s, like, came up and you know ..."

So we say goodbye to Wesley. Those "Project Runway" judges can be so arbitrary and cruel! But at least now blood is in the water, which means that some of these shy little nail nibblers are going to turn into ravenous monsters before our eyes. Let the feeding frenzy begin!