I Like to Watch

Touched by Criss Angel
Just as I'm not one to shun any appetizer that comes with a trio of dipping sauces, I'm also not one to shun a procedural drama just because the star detective has mysterious psychic abilities. But Patrick Jane (Simon Baker), the lead in CBS's "The Mentalist," isn't psychic. He's just "paying attention."

Sadly, I have a soft spot for fried cheese and for half-crazy, intense detective types who know everything. Despite all the old, worn-out, predictable clichés surrounding the semi-supernatural, lonely lunatic detective (including USA's "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" with Vincent D'Onofrio, NBC's "Life" with Damien Lewis and the million or so other examples), Simon Baker is transfixing to watch in this role. It's embarrassing to admit it, really. Just promise me that you'll tune in for the first episode (premieres 9 p.m. Tuesday, Sept. 23, on CBS) and you'll see what I mean.

You at least have to catch the first five minutes, in which Patrick strolls around the house of a murdered girl, uninvited. The other cops and the family are outside, so Patrick calmly makes himself a sandwich, boils some water for tea, and then wanders around gazing at family photographs while eating the sandwich. The girl's mother walks in, angry, but Patrick's piercing blue eyes seem to put her in a trance. He fixes her a cup of tea and tells her he wants to help her.

Mother: You can't help me. What do you know? Patrick: All sorts of things. You really only pretend to like skiing, right? Mother: Yes, but ... Patrick: Weren't you pleased that your best friend recently gained some weight, about 10 pounds? You wish you'd been more adventurous when you were younger. You love India but you've never been there. You have trouble sleeping. Your favorite color is blue. Mother: I don't understand. You're a psychic? Patrick: No, just paying attention.

So humble, so calm, so, so ... clairvoyant! Finally, Patrick asks the woman why she seems to suspect that her husband killed their daughter. She says she's not sure -- they'd both been acting so strange for the past year. He asks if she's ever asked her husband if he did it, and suggests that she should, since she'll probably be able to tell immediately if her husband is lying or not.

Like magic, here comes the husband, looking very guilty. Patrick looks him in the eye and asks him if he killed his daughter. (All highly unprofessional and unrealistic of course, but fun nonetheless.) When the husband says "No!" the wife gasps and then grabs a gun. Hey now! But can we really blame Patrick for this? The man is just paying attention! Yes, he pays attention, then mentions his observations out loud to grieving, devastated mommies.

It's absurd and cheesy and unrealistic, but it's a great opening scene for a pilot. Remember, this is a show called "The Mentalist." They're not exactly aiming for subtlety here. Plus, let's face it, it's pretty tough not to enjoy such little "I see right through you!" moments, or there wouldn't be so many psychics on TV these days, from Sookie the psychic waitress on Alan Ball's new drama "True Blood" to the psychic who informs the single gal on CBS's "The Ex List" that the man she's going to marry is an ex of hers (crappy show, by the way -- more on that one next week).

If "Fringe" is a flashier, more succulent, less realistic "X-Files," then "The Mentalist" is a flashier, less realistic "Medium." Unlike Patricia Arquette's character on "Medium" (who is actually psychic, I might add), Patrick Jane seems to know everything and he's always one step ahead of the game. The results are satisfying, and suspenseful, yes, but also a little bit stupid and predictable, too. For example, you'll take one look at the deep-set eyes and ghoulish looks of a character actor who appears on the pilot, and you'll know immediately that he's the killer. Sometimes those casting agents do their jobs a little too well.

And, perhaps in some effort to counterbalance Patrick's omniscience, the writers have given him a tragic back story that's so horror-movie sensationalistic, it's the narrative equivalent of dipping your entire show in batter and then throwing it into a vat of boiling oil. In fact, I was reasonably interested in this melodramatic show until the point where we learn how Patrick lost his wonderful family. After that, I started to feel a little queasy. "Waitress? I think I'm going to get those BBQ Riblets to go ..."

But if anything sums up the fall TV season this year, it's a notable lack of self-restraint. From unfathomable remakes of "90210" and "Knight Rider" to over-the-top fantasies like CW's "Valentine" (Greek gods in the Hollywood Hills!) to NBC's "My Own Worst Enemy" (a spy with a split personality!), the nonimaginary gods of TV Land are serving up greasy, delectable morsels for the masses. Once the stomachaches have subsided, though, will we really be back for more?

Next week: One last, incredible season ahead for "The Shield." Plus: Does Don Draper have to be such an asshole?