Thursday, Aug 21, 2008
Finalists in the "Fix 24 Contest" offer up a head-spinning range of brilliant alternatives, from vengeful orangutans to nanobots.
Jan 19, 2004 | As you might expect, it takes a certain degree of confidence and fortitude to do my job. Some days, when I'm doing the difficult but very important work of watching "America's Next Top Model" or "My Big Fat Obnoxious Ingrown Toenail," the only thing that keeps me sallying forth is my firm conviction that I'm the only person on the planet whose gray matter can process the complicated tangle of pop cultural signals flashing across the screen. After all, who else has the powers of perception necessary to look at Tyra Banks and say, "Gah, she's lost, like, a lot of weight since last season"? Who else could watch five minutes of "The Practice," change the channel because James Spader is nowhere to be found, and scribble on a notepad: "'Practice' sucks without Spader!"?
Yes, the challenges of the TV critic are without number, but I stand firm in my conviction that I'm providing a crucial service to a sprawling mass of lunatics and halfwits out there by translating a universe of complex televised entertainment into simple terms that they can understand. And the little buggers gobble it up, they really do! I can almost see all of you out there, hunched in front of your little computers, your spittle-covered lips quivering in anticipation of every word, your Cro-Magnon brows straining to take in the complex human themes I explore, your empty eyes bulging with gratitude.
Naturally, then, when I asked for suggestions on how to fix "24," I expected a handful of juvenile ideas and a few crude love letters littered with multiple misspellings. Imagine my shock when, instead, a flood of clever and wildly creative suggestions flowed into my mailbox! Seems like some of you have been taking time out from playing "ant hospital" to structure story lines riddled with conflict and suspense, or at least to dream up unforeseen twists and sudden, unexpected deaths. After reading so many worthy entries, I've narrowed the pool down to those fixes that were the most impressive, funny, or flatly demented. Picking one winner among these is nearly impossible, so I want you all to vote for your favorite one. Now that I recognize that you're not imbeciles, I trust the democratic process a little more.
Entry No. 1
One of the reasons "24" has seemed so slack this year is because the threat has been located outside the United States for the last three episodes. I know it sounds selfish, but if the virus is located in South America or Greenland, it might as well be on a space shuttle for all we care.
So bottom line: Get the virus in the hands of the enemy and back on U.S. soil as soon as possible. The virus is as viable a plotline as any of the others they've tried, but it doesn't hit home because it's too far away.
Next, the president's reelection campaign is not spicy enough. The stakes need some serious raising here. President Palmer should have to deal with more critical problems immediately. The solution: Leak news that the virus is back in Los Angeles and Palmer is continuing to struggle with his health. Then -- and here's the kicker -- he suffers a relapse during a television address. Palmer hits the ground and his aides must scramble to control the damage.
Lastly, Jack's daughter must get out of the office more. Since the CTU plotline is falling flat, have her try to intercept the virus as it comes back into the country. Of course, she gets captured by the South American baddies. Cue lots of running sequences, near escapes, near rescues, etc. Maybe even drop her off in South America.
Violà! A season of "24" everyone can enjoy!
-- Shawn Proctor
You're right about the virus, Shawn. The threat isn't immediate enough. Remember when Kyle's mom poured the supposedly virus-infected coke into the toilet? That was a genuinely heart-stopping, campily suspenseful moment. So why did they back up from that moment and make the threat so distant and vague? Even after people start getting sick, there are more thrills and spills to be had. Think of the big fun that went down after the nuclear bomb hit last season. The stakes just aren't high enough, and unleashing the virus while making Palmer fall ill sounds like a good way to ratchet things up a little.
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