I Like to Watch

The dance of anger
I have but one thing to say about Bravo's new show about a bunch of burlesque dancers, "Forty Deuce" (Thursdays at 11 p.m. EDT): Let us watch the damn girls dance for once! Instead, we get the same little frenetic clips of these three crazy-hot dancers shaking their asses over and over again, without the music -- which is rumored to be live jazz -- without any extended shots, without any sense of what a real performance is like.

Aside from a few quick clips, the producers fill up the entire hour with Ivan Kane, the slightly unsavory owner of the L.A. club (also called Forty Deuce), babbling on about each dancer's psychosocial makeup. Please. We already know more than we need to about the innermost thoughts and feelings of supernaturally hot women, thanks to Tyra. What makes these women special is their ability to dance. So, let us watch them dance, for chrissakes!

Sometimes the unbearable importance of zany really does ruin everything. Don't they know that jazz and hot women taking their clothes off trumps zany every time? I mean, would Tyra offer only brief snippets of the models modeling? Would even the slow-moving children behind "The Starlet" refuse to let us watch those bad actresses acting? I think not.

Tyrannosaurus rex!
But Tyra is not without fault, as those of you who caught last week's episode of "America's Next Top Model" (Wednesdays at 8 p.m. EDT, on UPN) know all too well. Nigel said they need a wakeup call, Tyra, not an abusive tirade.

Here's how it went: Tiffany, who is from the ghetto, is struggling with almost everything because it's not easy to act cheery, butt-white and camera-ready when you grew up on the mean streets. At some point, she gives up, realizing that there's some important part of herself that she's selling up the mighty, tempestuous river in order to win. It's clear to anyone who's tried to be something that they're not that, when Tiffany cries, she's admitting that she can't play the part that she'd need to play in order to be a model.

So Tyra sends Tiffany and another girl, Rebecca, home at the same time. Rebecca bursts into tears, but Tiffany handles it rather well, cracking jokes and trying to stay tough. That's who she is. Tyra, who cannot tolerate that a girl wouldn't be absolutely crushed at being dismissed, gets up on her soapbox and flips out.

First she congratulates Rebecca for having the appropriate emotional response for the camera. Then she turns to Tiffany and says, "I'm extremely disappointed in you." Tyra stands there and takes the hell Tiffany's been through and throws it in her face. "You've been through anger management, you've been through your grandmother getting her lights turned off to buy you a swimsuit for this competition, and then you go over there and you joke and you laugh?"

Tiffany explains, "Looks can be deceiving. I'm hurt, I am, but I can't change it, Tyra. I'm sick of crying about stuff that I cannot change."

Tyra basically tells her no, if she were really a worthwhile human, she'd continue to attempt to sell out who she is on national television. Eventually, feeling misunderstood, Tiffany stands up for herself. "I don't have a bad attitude," she says. "Maybe I am angry inside! I've been through stuff, so I'm angry!"

Tyra interrupts her and screeches, "Be quiet, Tiffany! Be quiet! Stop it! I have never in my life yelled at a girl like this! I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! How dare you! Learn something from this! You take responsibility for yourself! You have no idea what I've been through. But I'm not a victim, I grow from it and I learn!"

Yes, Tyra, you learned how to stick your ass out so your ass could be plastered over every building in America. You're a real hero, an inspiration to girls everywhere. Get over yourself, lady.

Impromptu quizlet
Good lord, I'm insulting my personal Lord and Savior, Tyra Banks! Maybe the world is ending. So what does it all mean? Have we learned anything? Is the end near? Does your moral compass work? How much Chablis is left in the box? Take this quiz and find out!

1. Who's the creepiest?
a. John Gulager of "Project Greenlight 3"
b. A burlesque-dancing midget
c. A mama's boy with a hook for a hand
d. Katie of "The Starlet"
e. Tyra Banks on her soapbox

2. What would you least like to do?
a. Swim across a river of snot
b. Kiss Forty Deuce owner Ivan Kane on the mouth
c. Trim Bill Pullman's nose hairs
d. Do Tyra Banks' "I'm feeling a little emotional today" makeup
e. Share an office with "Project Greenlight" casting director Michelle Gertz

3. Who's to blame for the overly zany state of television?
a. Mark Burnett, who's too busy hanging with Donald Trump and Sylvester Stallone to produce "Eco-Challenge"
b. All of the above

4. For a long time now our whole civilization has been driving, with a tortured intensity growing from decade to decade, like a mighty river desiring the end of its journey. This river could be described as:
a. restless
b. violent
c. tempestuous
d. zany
e. reflective

Answer key: 1. e, 2. e, 3. b, 4. d

Next week: The mighty river roils closer to its destination, you get your tax refund and use it to pay off your credit cards, and PBS airs a documentary about the Ramones!

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