Male Archetype: Flavor Flav of "Flavor of Love"
Nickname: Public Enemy No. 1
Likes: Words that rhyme, purple velvet, big clocks, big butts, big breasts, Red Lobster.
Dislikes: Women who look good but aren't being real, raw chicken that's supposed to be fried.
Best memory ever: That time when he was driving in the car and he saw someone on the street he knew, so he yelled out the window: "Flavor Flav!"
Benefits: Honest. When he wants to get a piece of that ass, he'll just tell you, flat out, "Baby, give me a piece of that fine ass." Direct. When he wants to get on that, he'll tell you, "Yeah, boyeee, I got to get on that, you know what I'm sayin'?"
Drawbacks: Slightly self-involved. Whenever he does something outrageous, or sees someone he knows, or gets excited about something, or just when there's a lull in the conversation, he shouts his own name at the top of his lungs.
Emotional mantra: "Flavor Flav!"
Summary: Before you get serious with a guy like Flavor Flav, you have to get to know the fiery revolutionary within. Sure, Flav might be all about having fun now. It's easy enough to live in the moment when your life is a whirlwind of big old buttery biscuits and chilled champagne and huge plates of delicious, juicy lobster, but don't let that cloud the fact that this good-time guy has a checkered background. What do you know about his apparently serious relationship with Brigitte Nielsen? Despite his success in Hollywood, does Flav still want Hollywood to burn, burn, burn? Is the federal "intentional rape system" still in place? Should power still go to the people? Is 911 still a joke? Many questions remain unanswered.
In addition, will Flav's mother, a staunch Christian who's somewhat disapproving when it comes to Flav's lifestyle, ever be able to fully accept you into her heart? Will you have to go to church every Sunday, and can you wear your favorite bright-orange micro-mini with your leopard-print halter top, or will all those Christians recognize you for the whoring sea donkey that you are?
And just how old is Flavor? Remember, on "Flavor of Love" (VH1, check listings) when he took you and the other girls to the old folks' home because he wants a girl who can take care of him in his older years? How far off are those older years? Looking at Flav's face, he could be anywhere from 38 to 65, and those crazy gold teeth -- are those going to be entirely fake within a decade? Can you see yourself getting down with Flav when there's a glass filled with teeth by the bed?
Plus, he said he wants to have four more kids to add to the six he already has. Are you ready to be a baby machine for the next six years of your life or more? How are you going to get along with his other baby mamas? You and Flav might be hitting Red Lobster together alone now, but once you get married and have some kids, is it going to be you, Flav, three baby mamas, and 10 whining brats? I hate to undercut the romance you two have shared, grinding up against each other while the champagne was flowing, but sometimes you've got to push the charm, the wit and the enormous clock out of your mind and focus on the concrete facts of how your life might look down the line.
Male Archetype: Vic Mackey of "The Shield"
Nickname: Sick Vic
Likes: Helping helpless women in distress, threatening lowlifes, violating thugs' Miranda rights, roughing up degenerates, hoarding big piles of cash, holding knives to people's throats, giving unwanted advice, glaring menacingly.
Dislikes: Bossy females, police chiefs, lawyers, bossy female police chiefs, bossy female lawyers, IAD investigators, dorky fellow cops who date his ex-wife just to get under his skin, flavored coffee, throw pillows.
Best memory ever: That time when he got to smash a murdering drug dealer's face into the pavement while his buddies planted a pound of heroin in the scumbag's car because there wasn't evidence to get the jerk off the street.
Benefits: Friends in low places, sexy take-charge attitude, makes breaking the law look vaguely appealing, can be relaxing to have a bossy daddy-figure to make all your decisions for you, very smart, always has lots of cash on hand, sometimes gets a tiny bit affectionate, like, say, when you're being stalked by some violent criminal.
Drawbacks: Glowering, intimidating, temperamental, controlling, full of regrets, takes work home with him. Also, he'd hold a knife to your throat if the continued immunity of his team of dirty cops depended on it.
Emotional mantra: "I'll take care of it. Here's a hundred bucks. Just sit tight."
Summary: Before you consider settling down with a guy like Sick Vic (Michael Chiklis), you need to know that this kind of a guy gets bored very fast -- he constantly needs a new hit of excitement to get his blood pumping. You also know from watching "The Shield" (10 p.m. EST Tuesdays on FX) that Vic is sneaky and slippery and smart as hell, and he can snake his way out of the most absurdly daunting scenarios imaginable. Do you really think he's not going to manipulate you as well? This guy violates every code in the book before breakfast. But don't let his devil-may-care demeanor fool you -- check out that haunted look in his eyes. He's so guilty and takes so much responsibility for the other (corrupt) members of his (corrupt) team that he barely sleeps at night.
Plus, do you really want to spend all of your time around Vic's team? Sure, Lem's an OK guy, but has there ever been a sleazier, less charismatic opportunist in the world than Shane? Why does Vic treat the guy like a brother and a son, mixed into one? Does that make any sense to you?
You also have to consider the likelihood that Vic will spend a handful of his golden years in the slammer for corruption or murder charges. IAD investigator Tom Kavanaugh (Forest Whitaker) is breathing down Vic's throat and has enough brains to have a shot at catching him red-handed. Yes, I agree, it's enjoyable to watch Vic and his boys thwart Kavanaugh's every move, and chances are Vic will figure out a way not only to beat Kavanaugh, but also set him up for some kind of a violation or crime. But remember, just because you're cheering Vic on, that doesn't mean what he's doing is right, or that you should consider spending another second with Mr. Bossy McBosserson.
But maybe, considering Vic's temperament, the looming threat of prosecution doesn't sound too bad to you: You can keep all that glaring and glowering and mean-daddy behavior at a safe distance while his boys still stop by with regular cash payments -- you know Daddy Vic is going to take care of you whether he's in the big house or not. But what happens when you go out looking for a little action while you're waiting out the last six years of Vic's 10-year term? Even if you remain unscathed, your little boyfriend is going to get pulled over for a minor traffic violation and the cops are going to discover a pound and a half of high-grade cocaine in his glove compartment. Forget that he's a music teacher with a heart condition. Tell it to the feds, little lady!
Look, I realize you have to let a guy have some fun outside of your relationship with him, even when that fun involves shooting a fellow cop in the face. But do you really want to get involved with a controlling meanie who won't let you have any fun of your own? I mean, sure, it's hard not to fall head over heels for a guy who busts down doors and blackmails witnesses into identifying the criminals, then gets all depressed and gloomy when those witnesses show up dead the next day. Naturally, it's difficult not to swoon over a guy who plants evidence and illegally hands suspects over to the Mexican police and kicks people's teeth in to get to the truth. Of course it's impossible not to be passionately in love with a guy who's so full of empathy for helpless female strangers that he helps to house and feed a young Salvadoran mom for six months straight. But eventually, no matter how cool you are with his lifestyle now, your patience is going to start wearing thin. You're going to wake up one day and you're going to be that girlfriend -- you know, the one who whines, "But you spend all your time checking up on her! I don't care if her kid is messed up and the IAD is breathing down her neck! Tell her you committed to coming to my cousin's engagement party a whole month ago!