Male Archetype: Jeff Probst of "Survivor"
Nickname: Safari Boy
Likes: World travel, bug bites, thunderstorms, poisonous snakes, watching people eat live insects, watching people starve, ancient legends, local native customs, speeding on a Jet Ski from the Amazon to New York City.
Dislikes: Quitters (they never win, you know, and millions of more deserving people would give their left arm to be on this show!), whiners, belligerent dickheads, dirty hippies, manipulative liars, teams that vote off the strongest players first, nice weather, shark-free waters, shirts that don't have pockets on the chest, shorts that aren't khaki.
Best memory ever: That time when he said, "Immunity, back up for grabs!"
Benefits: Stern on the outside, but you just know he's a total softie behind closed doors, nice dimples, listens well, explains things carefully and comprehensively, romantic, adventurous, full of empathy for tough underdog types, looks good in his little safari outfits.
Drawbacks: Never, ever wears anything but safari outfits, fault-finding, prone to publicly shaming others, stubborn, opinionated, pushy, mind-blowingly repetitive, constantly reads into everything.
Emotional mantra: "The tribe has spoken. It's time for you to go."
Summary: Before you consider settling down with a guy like Safari Boy, you're going to need to know a little bit more about his plans for the future. Didn't his last marriage fail because he refused to spend time with his wife, choosing instead to run off to Africa and Thailand and wherever else? How could his poor wife possibly compete with loony Mark Burnett for Probst's affections?
And that's not to mention the girls, girls, girls -- half-dressed and sweating and suffering sexily. Do you know what 39 days of badly cooked rice does to a woman in her prime child-bearing years? Fine, I'll spell it out for you -- she gets horny with a capital H. To those starving island horndogs, Safari Boy looks like a big, juicy steak, one with dimples and a charming way of asking, "Ready to hear about today's reward challenge?" like he really wants to know the answer.
And this season on "Survivor" (8 p.m. Thursdays on CBS) there's a whole team composed only of young ladies! That's right, the survivors have been segregated into four tribes by age and sex -- older women and older men onto their own teams, and young studs and young babes on their own teams. The young-babe team name? Bayoneta, a little pun on what Probst wants to do with those juicy young things when he gets them alone on Exile Island. What do you think Exile Island is for, anyway? My God, you're so naive.
Plus, Probst keeps harping on the non-babe team, saying over and over again "Older women, falling behind!" and "The older women are pulling up the rear!" and "Look at the sagging tits on those older women!" OK, he didn't say that last thing, but how long until he does? Do you really want to hitch your wagon to a guy who's this flinchy about the natural effects of aging on women?
I know, I know. It was all Mark Burnett's idea -- Probst challenged him to the end on this one, saying that he didn't want to say those words "older women, older women," over and over and over again. Are you sure that's the whole truth, or are you letting those crazy dimples cloud your mind again?
Look, I can see why you think the guy is a serious catch. He's richer than God, his little safari shirts are always clean and pressed, and he lets you play boss when the camera's not rolling. And yes, I know that he's promised that he'll stay in one place, even going so far as to lament that he's tired of all that exciting world travel. Don't you think he fed the same line to his first wife? I mean, do you really believe Safari Boy will step back and watch some vastly inferior host utter the phrase "Immunity, back up for grabs!" without half of his chipper enthusiasm or his suspense-building smirk? Face it, Probsty would rather die than face a world without immunity idols and complicated puzzles to solve and fawning hotties with their asses hanging out of their "Survivor" buffs.
In summary
As you can see, the male characters of TV land teach us an age-old lesson: With every male-female entanglement, there is much pain, agony, second-guessing, bickering, irritation, boredom, compromise and suffering. No matter how much effort you put into trying to find Mr. Right, in the end, you'll just be left holding the shotgun, the baby, a bag of embezzled cash and last year's immunity idol. Meanwhile, your man will be off doing hard time in prison, jetting to Tahiti, or faking his own death just to get out of being tied down to you.
OK, then! See how much you can learn from television? Good luck out there, ladies!
Next week: Can Veronica start seeing Deputy Leo (Nickname: Sweet Lil' Copcake) again, now that Duncan is safely tucked away in Mexico with his love child?
About the writer
Heather Havrilesky is Salon's TV critic. She also maintains the rabbit blog. You can find more of her columns in the I Like To Watch directory.
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