I Like to Watch

Teen and herd
Vic might want to start recruiting at Neptune High, where agitators and dissenters roam freely among wealthy, conformist teens. Survey this season's lineup of misfits and rebels on "Veronica Mars" (9 p.m. EST Wednesdays on UPN) and you'll find a gaggle of strong-willed teenagers screwing with the system well before their time.

Veronica (Kristen Bell) breaks the law more often than Tony Soprano, mostly to help teens in peril, including those who perished in the terrible bus crash at the start of the season (a crash that Veronica herself narrowly escaped). But Veronica isn't the only rebel in the bunch. Of Veronica's ex-boyfriends, one (Duncan) kidnapped a baby and escaped to Mexico, the other (Logan) is being investigated for murder and is currently tangled up in manipulating a potential witness by sleeping with his daughter. Yes, Logan (Jason Dohring) is probably innocent, he probably does like the little blonde Veronica doppelgänger ... Or maybe he doesn't. I think with high school boys, it's safe to use the word "like" rather loosely to indicate "would like to get into the pants of." Those poor girls!

But if any show isn't a "Those poor girls!" kind of show, "Veronica Mars" is it. My favorite recent twist involved a pretty cheerleader (played by Kristen from "Laguna Beach"! Eww!) declaring that she was gay during one of those televised school announcements broadcast to each classroom. (Can public high schools really afford a plasma screen in every room? Maybe they should give a few underpaid teachers a raise first.) If I had a dime for every cheerleader I knew in high school who turned out to be gay, I'd have ... a few dimes.

Anyway, who can't get behind a snarky blonde champion of the outsiders like Veronica? She demonstrates exactly how exciting and sexy working outside the system can be, particularly when you're still young and cute and the worst thing any of your high jinks can bring you is an uncomfortably awkward conversation with the geeky high school principal. Yes, it'll be years before Veronica becomes a lawyer, gets married, has a few kids, gets divorced and then goes off the rails again, only this time she won't be as cute and spunky, and people will just shrug and point and she'll feel like a nutcase, which will drive her to drink, which will drive her to cut corners, which will drive her to move that line in the sand, which will land her in jail.

Nah, that's not what'll happen to Veronica! She'll quit her high-ranking FBI job to focus on her kids and her herb garden and her jewelry-making hobby, and her life will be totally happy and wonderful! Yay! At least until she gets bored and starts acting out at PTA meetings and drinking, which will drive her to cut corners, which will drive her to move that line in the sand, which will land her in jail.

See how the renegade's story always ends the same way? Let that be a lesson to you, aspiring rebels!

The doctor isn't in
But despite appearances, some agitators and provocateurs don't end up in jail or in the nuthouse or choking people left and right like Jack Bauer. One really good way to avoid the common pitfalls of subverting the dominant paradigm is by subverting some other dominant paradigms -- namely, time and space.

By defying the laws of time and space, the good doctor of "Doctor Who" (9 p.m. EST Fridays on SciFi) finds himself free from the consequences of both The Man as he exists on earth, and the more universal "man" who rules the remotest reaches of space. Sounds like a carefree life, doesn't it? Well, it's actually not much fun, thanks to the constant encroachment of malevolent forces, from huge plastic blobs to evil robotic insects to ancient human skin, pressed into glass, hell-bent on destruction.

The story of this transplanted BBC hit begins when The Doctor (Christopher Eccleston) arrives in London just in time to save Rose (Billie Piper), a young woman who works in a department store. She's being chased by the mannequins when The Doctor shows up and ushers her out of harm's way, speaking in quips and snarky asides all the while. Later, he explains that all of the plastic in the world is being controlled by an evil plastic demigod who's about to send out a signal and rally the plastic to take over the world. Soon, mannequins are attacking citizens in the streets, and Rose and The Doctor have to overcome the evil plastic blob, which looks like a strange face molded into some Silly Putty, then filmed with a stop-motion camera. They stop the blob, of course, and The Doctor persuades Rose to come along with him on his travels, even though she'll have to leave her mom and boyfriend behind forever, even though she has no real proof that The Doctor isn't just a intergalactic sex offender twice her age.

Are you beginning to sense that I'm not loving this show? Honestly, I was alarmed at how hokey "Doctor Who" turned out to be, given the many e-mails I received from readers urging me to watch it. Now, granted, if you adored the hokey "Doctor Who" TV series of the '60s, you might feel that this modern update does the classic justice. (And look! In keeping with our theme today, the IMDb entry for the '60s-era "Doctor Who" describes it as "The adventures of an eccentric renegade time-traveling alien and his companions.")

I can barely remember the old "Doctor Who." In fact, when I look at the list of actors who played The Doctor over the years, I can't even recall which one I watched. I think he looked a little bit like Kramer from "Seinfeld," but much shorter and with darker hair. And then he changed, and I didn't like the new guy as much because he was nerdier and less odd.

I know what you "Doctor Who" fans are thinking: "What?!! Who didn't love and embrace and remember every single thing about the old 'Doctor Who'?!" Look, back then I watched "Love Boat" and "Dynasty" and made ashtrays out of clay and painted "I (heart) Harrison Ford" on them. Cut me some frackin' slack.

Plus, I have to say, this new series feels to me about as sophisticated and smart as an episode of "Love Boat." The tone is vaguely tongue-in-cheek so that the serious drama, when it does arrive, feels overblown and melodramatic. The main characters aren't all that compelling or likable. The world is always about to end at the hands of some poorly costumed aliens. I don't see the appeal. When I first heard the raves about this show, I thought it might serve as a tolerable substitute for "Battlestar Galactica" in my weekly lineup. Imagine, swapping out menacing Cylons for actors in bright blue makeup! Honestly, someone explain what's so good about this show before I lose all faith in humanity and start to secretly hope that the Silly Putty agitator returns to rule the earth henceforth.

We can't be heroes
There's no clear path for the aspiring renegade, or even for the rugged conformist, staunchly determined to color within the lines. Sometimes taking whatever The Man dishes out is good for you, affords you some structure, sets limits on your ego and your dirty urges, and keeps you from blowing your good buddy to smithereens just to avoid doing hard time. Obeying The Man's orders just might bring you all of the martini glasses and overstuffed couches and plastic baby equipment that you so richly deserve. Or, it could give you an ulcer.

But working outside the system might also do you in: You could end up like Vic Mackey, eternally seething and clenching your jaw and fearing a life in the slammer, or like The Doctor, reduced to luring girls half your age into your spaceship. In the end, it comes down to what you prefer: a) conforming to the rules and standards of corporate America by living a life of silent, stifled stress and trying to appear docile and polite when deep inside, you're enraged, or b) blowing your buddy's face off just to save your own sorry, guilt-ridden ass.

OK, fine. You can also choose to be a poorly paid outsider with a mediocre non-corporate job, and that way, you can fancy yourself as untouched by The Man when, in truth, he touches you all the time. He's touching you right now, in fact. See? Yeah. That's where those deep feelings of shame and self-loathing come from.

The point is, kids, that whether you follow the rules or break them, you'll probably land in the same place. Even the hero is only a hero for about half a second. Ask any hero: Set foot on the moon, save some strangers from a burning skyscraper, and all you'll end up with is a few dusty medals, a shoddy pension and cirrhosis of the liver.

Next week: A bunch of brand-new shows to take your mind off your liver transplant!

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