Dubadubaduba dance!
I, too, might be in a truly desperate situation, with very little televised fun to look forward to until the sixth episode of "Deadwood," if not for one show. Ahem. Yes, one show has saved me from utter despair and blah feelings toward the summer TV schedule, one show that's buoyant and passionate and foolish and invigorating enough to hold my attention: "So You Think You Can Dance."
You heard me right, piglets. OK, you hate the title and you don't trust that this show could possibly be worth watching. I don't blame you. But even if you never, ever tune in, please trust me that, cheesy as it is, it's one of the more dramatic and compelling reality shows you'll find on TV this summer.
The contestants, first of all, are as lovable as they are flexible. What is it with dancers? They have sweet, affectionate natures and asses the size and shape of basketballs. Forced to partner up and learn complicated, extremely difficult new styles of dance that are as unfamiliar to most of them as sweet, affectionate natures and asses the size and shape of basketballs are to the rest of us, they refuse to insult each other. Take Joy, an excellent dancer who gets stuck with Dmitry as her partner on the first routine, an athletic, impossibly aggressive hip-hop number that Dmitry, a ballroom dancer, doesn't have a chance of mastering. Instead of saying, "Trying to get this guy to shake his money maker convincingly is like asking the abominable snowman to dance on toe," Joy smiles sweetly and says, "He's doing really good. I definitely think we can work together to make each other's weak points stronger." The choreographer, Shane Sparks, is less enthusiastic: "I don't care what [Joy] thinks or what she says or how she acts right now, she's thinking, 'I wish I had a different partner.'"
And that's one of the undeniable charms of this show: You take masters of Latin dance, ballerinas, hip-hop dancers, swing dancers, etc., and you ask them to throw themselves into different styles each week. Most of them have never even danced with a partner. Some of them are street dancers and have never, ever learned choreography before. Learning a dance is like learning a foreign language -- you can be a genius, but if you've never done it before, you're going to struggle like hell at first. People who have taken class after class are used to memorizing movement, but those who freestyle? Sadly, half of the really amazing street dancers were sent packing in the first few weeks of the contest.
But that also means that the contestants who are left are incredibly talented, far more skilled than the dancers chosen for the first season. This past week, Benji, the peppy little swing dancer that could, absolutely kicked ass in hip-hop. And Jason, a hip-hop dancer, wowed the judges with a fluid, breathtaking contemporary routine that one judge said was like "a floodlight from heaven." Honestly, that wasn't an exaggeration -- some of these performances are so heartfelt and inspired, I have to watch them a second time to see the parts I missed.
I know I sound utterly possessed, so I personally challenge you to sit through a full, two-hour episode (9 p.m. Wednesdays on Fox) to see if you don't end up chatting amiably about who did better than expected, or smiling broadly in spite of yourself over some absurd gymnastics or some graceful, moving routine by a dancer you didn't think had it in him. I swear, whether it's the unabashed squeals of goofy judge Mary Murphy or the teary-eyed pride of another dancer who rose to the occasion, "So You Think You Can Dance" has me thoroughly engaged for two solid hours every week (I speed through Thursday's results show, with its tedious "American Idol"-style suspense-building, in about 10 minutes). This show always puts me in a great mood. How many things can you say that about?
Let's review!
1. What's more exciting?
a. The melted dregs of a triple-shot frappuccino that's been simmering in the summer sun for a full hour
b. Watching young, half-naked men in ass pants dance on TV
c. A woman who winks, stares incessantly, invades your personal space, hints that you should ask for her number instead of offering it up, and grabs your hand with one of her clammy mitts and won't let go of it, in a way that growls, "You're my brand new boyfriend and I'll cry really hard and then stalk you if you don't marry me soon."
d. The prospect of hiring a "manny" and making dirty, clandestine laundry-room love to him while your skanky white rapper husband is on tour in foreign lands
2. What, if anything, spoils the mood?
a. The thought of the germs that could accumulate in a sweet, warm substance over the course of an hour. Why, it's a veritable petri dish of bacterial threats!
b. The fact that the nubile young bucks on "So You Think You Can Dance" never get completely naked
c. The thought of having to hold hands with the same person for the rest of your life when their hands seem to have a habit of sweating profusely
d. The fact that Britney Spears is something like seven months pregnant with that skanky white rapper's child -- that makes her laundry-room lovemaking with a hired hand even sexier, of course, but the fact that it does makes you feel all guilty and dirty inside
3. When will the little third-world peoples get the pricey designer cigarettes and modern appliances that they deserve?
a. First they need to get some storage space, then there'll be room for those modern appliances.
b. When Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie move to a two-room bungalow in Venice, Calif., demonstrating that they're just as happy living like your average absurdly privileged Americans, freeing up their millions to keep flies off the faces of children everywhere.
c. When they learn to create really cool-looking PowerPoint presentations the way you can. That's right, you deserve your five walk-in closets packed to the gills with stuff!
d. When Britney Spears has her baby in Namibia, officially signaling the emergence of the Third World as the ultimate birthing spa.
Answer Key: 1. d, 2. a, 3. c
Next week: How many Jimi Hendrix songs can TNT pack into one episode of "Saved"? Plus: How did the not-so-amazing race of "Treasure Hunters" get the green light?
About the writer
Heather Havrilesky is Salon's TV critic. She also maintains the rabbit blog. You can find more of her columns in the I Like To Watch directory.
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