I Like to Watch

July 2, 2006 | Let freedom ring!
Happy Fourth of July, fellow countrymen! Just think, it was a mere 230 years ago that the founders of this great nation broke free from our greedy, arrogant overlords by making a formal announcement of our intention to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted to do it. This "Declaration of Independence" not only served as a great big "Nanny nanny boo boo, stick your head in doo-doo" to the British Empire, it strengthened our resolve and commitment to remain free, beholden to neither kings nor stuffy lords nor their intolerable associates.

Nearing the 50th-anniversary celebration of the drafting of this formal "See ya, wouldn't want to be ya" note to our oppressors, Thomas Jefferson wrote, in his last letter ever, of the importance of "the free right to the unbounded exercise of reason and freedom of opinion." He continued:

"All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man ... For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them."

Fascinating, isn't it? As great as this man Jefferson was, his odd obsession with these little things called "rights" feels more than a tiny bit outdated! In today's rapidly changing world, we now know that "rights" make it incredibly inconvenient to secure the safety of our people from terrorists and other malevolent forces in the world. If we really fostered an "undiminished devotion" to said rights -- and frankly, that sounds a wee bit obsessive, the stomping ground of radicals and hippies and such -- Lord only knows what would become of us! Guantánamo Bay would be more like some kind of frivolous terrorist Disneyland, while Abu Ghraib would merely resemble a Mr. Toad's Wild Ride of Iraqi amusements. Do you really think we're going to stop radical Islam in its tracks by treating it to some cotton candy, holding its hand, and singing "It's a Small World After All" in its ear?

Indeed, the "unbounded exercise of reason and freedom of opinion" is all well and good, as long as we agree with that reasoning and those opinions. If we don't, then the parties in question should have no more rights than a stray dog with a biting problem. And once such a dog is deemed dangerous, let's face it, it requires the presence of a greedy, arrogant overlord to police its every move henceforth. Luckily, we're just the nation for the job!

I'm proud of us, aren't you, chickens? We've evolved from headstrong, scrappy rebels burdened by unnecessary ideals to greedy, arrogant overlords unfettered by the shackles of conscience in just a little more than two centuries! That's some serious overachieving if you ask me. Where would all of those nasty, biting dogs of the Middle East be without the shining example of freedom and independence we set for them? Who could possibly lead them to the promised land of reason and freedom, besides us, with our sophisticated navigational systems and our many drive-thrus serving up freedom fries 24 hours a day?

This weekend, freedom is ringing across the land! Can you hear it ring? Yeah, that's it! It comes in one of four different Shakira ring tones!

Jefferson, I think we're lost
But even with freedom ringing in my ears like an exquisite, historically notable migraine, I find myself, one month into the summer schedule, questioning the reasoning and opinions of the networks these days. While there are plenty of new shows, which I know is an improvement over the summer reruns that dominated the small screen just a few years ago, I've become fat and spoiled in the same manner that those scrappy, headstrong rebels of yore grew fat and spoiled from the fertile lands of this great nation -- you know, after they stole the best, most fertile lands from the Indians, but before they covered those lands over with cement and put up TCBYs and Long John Silvers.

Aside from "Deadwood," and "So You Think You Can Dance," I find myself flipping through my TiVo list with the same impatient anger one of our forefathers might have felt while thumbing through the latest bills from his British overlords. "Why bother?" he must've thought. "Why not just throw these in a pile and go shoot squirrels or polish off the rabbit stew from last night's supper?"

I've tried to get into some of the summer dramas, but whether it's "The 4400" or "The Closer," I just can't seem to get up to speed fast enough. Procedural dramas leave me cold no matter how many moon pies their Southern heroines charmingly stash in the drawers of their desks, and while I've heard the alien-probing suspense of "The 4400" is truly worth the time, catching up on the twists and turns feels effortful and thankless to me -- sort of like taxation without representation, except without the violent mobs and with lots of little cups of chocolate pudding to ease my pain.

Then again, I once felt just as wishy-washy about "Battlestar Galactica," and boy, was that stupid of me. I just assumed that a remake of a crappy show was bound to be even crappier, and I couldn't imagine getting wrapped up in some third-rate sci-fi drama. While Jefferson might cringe today at how silly and passé "the rights of man" have become in the face of today's global socioeconomic landscape, personally, I'm annoyed by my faulty assumptions about this show now, particularly since I'm currently soothing my disappointment with the summer schedule by catching up on the miniseries and the first season of "Battlestar." If you haven't seen much of this show and you're still suffering under the delusion that it's not worth your time, I urge you once again to run out and rent the miniseries and then the first season, both of which are fantastic and might save you from turning to "The Simple Life" or "How to Get the Guy" out of sheer desperation.

Next page: A dark "Sopranos"-esque tale of two Irish-American brothers