And here's to you, Mrs. Johnson!

"Survivor" surprises again! Big Tom blows it; Lex takes a walk; and Brandon snarls one last time for the cameras.

Jan 10, 2002 | When Tolstoy wrote that unhappy families are all unhappy in their own way, he was really saying that happy families are boring.

The same thing goes for individuals -- not necessarily the ones that you want as friends or to fall in love with, but certainly the ones you'd want to read about or watch bumble through Africa on a diet of corn mush and Jeff Probst.

The "Survivor" producers know this.

One of the things that's made the third season of "Survivor" such a drag is that there hasn't been enough of the kind of conflict that makes characters grow and change. Tonight, on the two-hour final episode, we'll see a last-ditch attempt to show us one who did.

And then at final Tribal Council that transformation will drift away, like so much elephant dung at a watering hole.

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We'll revisit some forgettable moments, and see survivors whom we've already banished from memory. We'll share some canned emotions, watch Big Tom make an ass out of himself on a scale that dwarfs his previous attempts, and be shown once again that you can take the boy out of the bar, but you can't take the bartender out of the boy.

But we won't get a story that will justify the 15 hours we've spent watching the show this season.

In the end, we'll have a new "Survivor" winner.

And we'll feel like losers.

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Four survivors remain. The former members of the Boran tribe have made it this far with the advantages of their personality traits.

Tattooed Lex is still around because his brute force wins immunity challenges and his predatory paranoia rooted out potential enemies.

Soccer stud Ethan is strong and nice, offending no one.

Big Tom the goat farmer is homophobic, objectifies women and holds a grudge, but he's managed to make it this far because he keeps his word and he's a world-class buffoon. No one takes him seriously.

And passive 56-year-old Kim J. has been essentially ineffectual since Day 1 -- but that makes her non-threatening. Along the way, she's agreeably done what she's told, which either makes her a great strategist (and it did get her this far) or a good little soldier (passively acquiescing in the dirty deeds of the men she's thrown in with).

But, of course, we're expecting to see her booted off tonight's show first.

Next Page: Lex is still gunning for Tom

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