A L S O_.T O D A Y Blue Glow PBS's new "Mystery!": Mischief in Kenya; Debbie Harry profiled ___________________ Embrace a darker vision of the world -- buy Matt Groening's books at barnesandnoble.com ___________________   Y E S T E R D A Y Playing by Heart Reviewed by Charles Taylor Trite take on love and relationships leaves a bad aftertaste (01/22/99) My Name is Joe Reviewed by Andrew O'Hehir British filmmaker Ken Loach returns to working-class Glasgow in his dark masterpiece (01/22/99) Teacher's pet By Chris Lee "Rushmore" director Wes Anderson talks about his first "collaborative" writing effort, his recent pilgrimage to the home of Pauline Kael and New York telephone booths (01/21/99) Home Movies By Charles Taylor Dino De Laurentiis' much-maligned "King Kong" improves on the original by making it a comedy of epic sexual frustration (01/18/99) Penned in By Paul Sherman Sean Penn talks about the hurly-burly of Hollywood and why, despite his recent spate of great films, he wants to quit acting -- again (01/14/99)   BROWSE THE MOVIE ARCHIVES COLUMNS FEATURES REVIEWS INTERVIEWS

THIS DREAM BROUGHT TO YOU BY DIESEL JEANS | PAGE 1, 2 - - - - - - - - - - Are you for the V-chip, which helps parents control what their kids are watching? It's an anachronism already, like eight-track tapes or the Betamax or clean air -- a thing of the past. Remember a few years ago when President Clinton was talking about school uniforms, whatever happened to that? The V-chip is the same thing. It's a completely bogus, momentary fad, where a problem seems to be all-consuming for about a month and a half. I'm sure the cycle will repeat itself and people will jump up and down about the V-chip one more time before everybody forgets it. It will be another remote to lose behind the couch. In your comic strip, "Life in Hell," you pose the question "Why is TV so cool?" Then answer: "It allows several people who hate each other's guts to sit peacefully together in the same room for years on end without murdering each other." Make the argument for the elimination of television. People come up to me at parties and puff out their chests and say, "I don't watch television." I say, "You're missing nothing. Whatever you do, don't watch." And of course I go home that night and watch Jerry Springer. How do you criticize the aquarium water that you swim in? We're immersed in it. The ultimate message of media today is that nothing matters whatsoever. If you think that it does it's only because the person ranting at you for the moment is trying to keep you from changing the channel so you'll stay tuned for the commercial in about two minutes. No matter how important something is, it's going to be interrupted by something else if you wait another few minutes. That has infected our national discourse and the way we think. Do your children receive creative punishments? I believe in justified exasperation. I've confined the kids to the VG room. My wife does not like video games, so my kids think they are putting one over on her by going to the "VG" room. When they get punished, that's where they go. I don't know why, but they seem pretty satisfied with that. So how much Ritalin do you give your kids? A few years ago my mother told me that she had a terrible confession to make: "When you were in the fifth grade I slipped some Ritalin in your orange juice one morning." I said "How did I do?" And she said, "You came home from school that day complaining that you had the worst day of your entire life." I'm almost sure I can remember that day. I couldn't think straight. I took a math test and got all the multiplication tables wrong. It was like being on a drug. As a hell aficionado, design a Dantean version of the underworld. Describe the different circles, and where, if at all, would you put your boss, Rupert Murdoch? Where would you put your boss? I was in the Fox commissary a couple of years ago, and I saw Rupert Murdoch having lunch with Dan Quayle, and I thought, "You know, that could go on for all eternity as far as I'm concerned." The Simpsons never explained the Lewinsky scandal to their kids. Why? There is no self-respecting comedy writer who feels like making a joke on the subject. There's nothing else to say. What I think is interesting is that this particular scandal happened at the right time in history. Because we've already seen it. Everybody knows about Hugh Grant, Rob Lowe, celebrity porno videos and Gary Hart, so it's just more of the same. But it was forbidden and taboo enough for the American public to go, "Yeah, I could fantasize about that." Residents of the Springfield Retirement Castle seem to live a pretty miserable existence. Are you afraid of growing old in America? "The Simpsons" is a catalog of the biggest anxieties of mostly male writers. There are jokes about getting fat, going bald and eating way too many doughnuts. Growing old is part of that. The older I get, the more I think we ought to treat the elderly better. When I was younger, it didn't bother me so much. Despite a brief separation, Marge and Homer Simpson have a pretty loving relationship. Any tips on keeping the flame alive? I don't have an answer, but it reminds me of something Marge once said to Homer: "You know, Homer, it's true what they say. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus." Homer says, "Great Marge, give me the one with all the monsters." Say something kind about the Taliban. The what? The Taliban, the fundamentalists who now rule most of Afghanistan. Oh c'mon. Yeah, do you have any jokes about Islam? SALON | Jan. 28, 1998 David Wallis, a New York freelance journalist, writes for the New Yorker, the New York Times and other publications. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Become a Salon member. Click here.