B Y   I A N   S H O A L E S

the Age of Aquarius dawned in January, did you hear? Break out the love beads and Quaaludes, children! Any day now, allegedly, peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. But what signs and portents have we seen that could function as peace/love indicators? Well, the godmother of newspaper astrologers, Jeanne Dixon, passed away in January, aged 79. Her obituary, courtesy of Reuters, noted that she was the "author of seven books, including an autobiography, an astrological cookbook and a horoscope book for dogs. Ms. Dixon was a leading exponent of extra-sensory perception, as well as an influential Washington socialite." ESP supporter, high-tone party animal, reader of canine fates — the old babe had quite the life. But she was eclipsed by Joan Quigley for the attentions of Nancy Reagan, and she missed the Age of Aquarius. Isn't that a cruel destiny for this quintessential stargazer? What kind of portent is that? And Richard Berry, who wrote the immortal "Louie Louie," also passed away. If you look up "ultimate party song" in the dictionary, you will find "Louie Louie" (unless LSD is being served at the party, in which case it's "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"; if smack is part of the buffet, the ultimate party song is Lou Reed's "Heroin" — thanks for asking!). Shouldn't he still be around as well? And four more years of Bill Clinton? He didn't even inhale! Not only doesn't he hippie-dance, he golfs! If that's not enough, the co-chairman of the Presidential Inaugural Committee informed us that "One of the more exciting aspects of this inauguration is the agreement that we have with QVC." If shopping by phone is now an essential part of the electoral process, it's certainly millennial, but I wouldn't call it Aquarian exactly. Oh sure, there are some signs that harmony and understanding may drop on us like a ton of bricks. An outfit called Double Xxposure, for example, is taking on the task of teaching basic etiquette to hip-hoppers and rappers. It's too late for Tupac Shakur, but if even one gangsta learns where the fork is supposed to go, it's worth it. And Disneyland's Pirates of the Caribbean has altered certain portions of its presentation. No longer do audioanimatronic buccaneers run lustily after buxom wenches with intention to ravish. Instead, I'm given to understand, the pirates go after hunks of meat. So they've evolved enough to forego viewing simulated women as objects of desire, but they're still not vegans. As an Age-of-Aquarius harbinger, then, Pirates of the Caribbean is pretty much a wash. What about Pat Boone? Here's a figure who can make any hippie shudder. Yet he's gone way out on a limb for our cultural benefit. He went into the studio and cut new versions of heavy metal favorites, including Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water," Black Sabbath's "Holy Diver," Ozzy Osborne's "Crazy Train" and Alice Cooper's "No More Mr. Nice Guy." He might even be covering "Stairway to Heaven," "Freebird," "I Wanna be Sedated" and "Purple Haze." I don't know. I just don't know. One looks at Pat Boone with a certain amount of suspicion, however. (By "one," of course, I mean "I.") I know we're in a postmodern age. (By "postmodern," of course, I mean "Aquarian.") But didn't Pat Boone used to be derided for whiting up black songs (thus making them even more popular among young people, presumably because their parents approved of the sanctimonious crooner and allowed them to snap up his 45s by the dozen)? Next thing you know he'll be teaching etiquette to Cypress Hill, and the whole culture will go to hell in a handcart (or heaven, depending on your point of view). Look. Bottom line? Sergio Martini, a garbage man in New York, just won the lottery, and he didn't quit his job. Oh, he's going to stop working double shifts, and he's not going to work nights driving his brother's taxi, but — this is the important point — even with a $10 million jackpot, he can't afford to quit his day job. Hippies didn't have these troubles. They just chewed mushrooms in their teepees, had tantric sex with women named Starcluster and sold hash pipes to suburban teenagers to make ends meet. If we're going to make the Age of Aquarius viable, we're going to have to get proactive. We've got to learn how to grok again, like we did that summer, the summer of love. Newt Gingrich needs to team up with William Bennett and Jeane Kirkpatrick to do a folk version of Tupac Shakur's "2pacalypse Now." (Informed sources claim that Mr. Gingrich plucks a mean banjo.) Arnold Schwarzenegger must star in a new production of "Hair." He'll play a young hippie/bodyguard from Austria who stumbles on a CIA plot to hook the protest movement on hallucinogens. (As it happens, I have a screenplay.) I think that Miss Manners should marry Don Rickles, or at least shack up with him. Despite what Dr. Laura would say, I think it would do them both some good. I think "Louie Louie" should be the national anthem, pronto. But what do I know? I'm shopping without a list. That's a no-no in any age, especially an age as lean as the Age of Aquarius. Feb. 6, 1997

---

Last 5 columns: 48 | 46 | 45 | 43 | 41 | Ill Humor archive
NEW Bookmark: http://www.salon1999.com/columnists/shoales.html