I  H A T E  V - D A Y   |   B Y   C A R O L  L L O Y D

It's time to reclaim V-Day
from the love fascists.

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all holidays exclude some people. Christmas excludes Jews. Thanksgiving excludes anorexics and Albanians. Even Halloween excludes fanatical Christians and people who can't be bothered. But Valentine's Day -- splashed across billboards and nestled into intimate window displays -- seems to be a holiday for everyone. After all, love has no religion or national identity. We all get candy, kisses, flowers; we all spend the evening sipping wine and whispering sweet nothings to our lovers, right? No? Oh. Well, maybe you're just a loser. Maybe you're one of those people who trade heart-shaped mints inscribed with insipid quips with co-workers at the water cooler. Maybe no one loves you. Maybe your spouse forgot all about it, or you are newly separated or you haven't got your braces off yet ... Before you decide that this is the cruelest commentary you've ever heard, take heart -- your own bloody beating organ, that is -- and know that you are not alone. Practically everyone I know hates Valentine's Day. For some it means being reminded that they are single, for others it means being reminded of the time when their relationships didn't need an earmarked day on the calendar for romance. For kids it can be a nightmarish popularity contest. No matter the reason, know that several million other hearts are pounding out the same lonely beat on the day when being alone or being "just friends," being divorced or even happily (i.e. boringly) married, is not simply your life, but the thing that makes you a victim of the nation's mythic dungeon master, St. Valentine. Indeed, the roots of Valentine's Day have a decidedly sadomasochistic flavor. Owing little to its martyred namesake, Valentine's Day is speculated to be the Catholic bastard of Lupercalia, the pagan festival of mid-February. During these sacred rites, the men whipped their wives with animal hides as they ran through the streets while boys drew cards with the names of local girls that they were then compelled to court. If a boy did not like his partner, he deserted her and the girl was forced to remain in shameful isolation for eight days. On the final day, the boy was burned in effigy in a public bonfire while onlookers shouted abuse. Humiliation, public retribution and a nice whipping: Does that sound like your love life? We need not be ruled by our history, however. We could take back Valentine's Day and make it a day about all modes of love -- between family and friends, pets and opposing political candidates. We could stop worshiping at the altar of Eros -- a God whose chocolate coating melts away only to reveal a shrewd marketing executive with a bulging bank book and a sadist's smile. Given America's obsession with all things erotic, however, my Platonic Pollyanna proposal is hardly likely to be adopted. Instead, signs show that Valentine's Day is returning to its darker roots: the precarious celebration of love's pleasures and pain. Like Halloween -- once a holiday almost exclusively geared toward suburban children -- Valentine's Day is fast becoming an "adults only" holiday. The urban underground has embraced it as a time for airing dirty lingerie. After a glance through the Valentine section of the local newspaper, I found a "Festish Fair and Valentine's Ball," an erotic shadow show called "Puppet Love" and a pornographic poetry reading called "My Sucky Valentine," as well as workshops in talking dirty and S/M parlor discounts. Do you still feel excluded? I'll admit that this naughty face of St. Valentine may not seduce me much more than the mainstream's patron saint of coupledom, but at least I know -- given a little black lipstick and a riding crop -- that anyone can join in the fun. I won't be excluded for want of romance, just for want of leather. But I still wish the whole thing would just go away. Feb. 12, 1997 Should Valentine's Day be abolished or embraced? Join the discussion in Table Talk.