The Ebert

Choice screenings for the culture vulture who has seen everything -- 10 times already.

By David Marchese

Don't count on slipping just any DVD or CD into the stocking of your favorite armchair critic. Not unless you want to hear complaints about muddy remastering or the evils of pan-and-scan. To avoid getting a thumbs down from this finicky culture vulture, you're going to have to dig past the blockbusters and chart toppers. And the "Scarface" platinum edition -- which, of course, is better than the widescreen anniversary, full-screen anniversary or no- anniversary version -- just won't do.

Illustrations by Ryan Germick

The Coupon:

No one goes to the movies as often as an Ebert, which means he sometimes gets stuck going alone. Help him out by committing to one short-notice, drop-everything-and-go movie coupon. Midnight madness or matinee -- it doesn't matter. One time next year, when your Ebert calls, you promise to play Roeper.
Send your coupon now.

The Bargain:

With all those DVDs and CDs lying around, it's inevitable that a few of them will accidentally double as a coaster at some point. But even though that lovely special edition of "Rushmore" looks scratched beyond repair, there's still hope. The aptly named SkipDoctor may look like some sort of cumbersome sanding tool, but its current $17.99 sale price on Amazon.com ($39.99 list) is nothing compared to the money you'll save by not having to replace those CDs and DVDs.

Low-cost:

Featuring comedy, tragedy, drama and some sweet schadenfreude, "The Man Who Heard Voices" ($27.50), Michael Bamberger's account of M. Night Shyamalan's effort to bring this year's "Lady in the Water" to the big screen, reads like a really good bad movie. See Shyamalan act like a petulant baby when an actor doesn't return his call! See Shyamalan demand that a studio exec skip taking his kid to a birthday party and read his script instead! Enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that the critically panned movie went bust at the box office!

Most of popcorn sold at the theaters these days does a pretty good impression of packing foam. But the Ebert has a discerning palate for food as well as culture, so why not treat her to a bucket of something better? Johnson's caramel corn, long a New Jersey boardwalk tradition, delivers tubs of the salty-sweet goodness (ranging from $15.95 to $28.95) anywhere in the country. And you don't have to deal with any lineups.

Mid-range:

As much as the aesthetes you're buying for like to see themselves as having both cutting-edge and classical tastes, there's a part of them that still carries a torch for the trashy faves of their childhood. So to satisfy the child inside the pooh-poohing adult, what could be better than the just-released box set of the original "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe" ($49.98). Because sometimes even the most astute cultural critics would rather ponder the secrets of Castle Grayskull than parse the politics of Godard.

The critically inclined are often the type to get fed up with the Yule cheer being bandied about at this time of the year. So why not let them get their grinch on with "Orphans," a three-CD set ($49.98) of previously unreleased Tom Waits material? Divided into three discs of brawlers, bawlers and bastards, the album is the perfect salty antidote to all the sticky-sweet holiday sentiment. That said, there are a handful of achingly beautiful lullabies scattered among the 54 tracks, but those aren't what our hardhearted critic will savor. At least not in public.

No longer shall your Ebert be deprived of seeing Christopher Lee play Fu Manchu! Not if you buy him a multiregion DVD player ($149.99), that is. Because no one should ever have to sit through the shoddy VHS transfer of "The Face of Fu Manchu" for a seventh time.

You hear it all the time: Nothing's as good now as it was then. That may or not be true, but a retrospective gem like "Forever Changing: The Golden Age of Elektra 1963-1973" makes a compelling argument for all those rock 'n' roll nostalgists. Ranging from folk acts like Judy Collins and Fred Neil to rock legends like the Doors and underground faves such as the Stooges and Love, this box set ($199.98) covers the golden era of one of rock's great labels at a time when it had no idea what would work -- so everyone got a record deal. The rockists in your life might look down their noses and tell you they've heard it all before, but that doesn't mean they won't love having it all in one place.

Luxury:

Part of what separates someone who merely likes movies from a full-on fanatic is the desire to see everything. For the true cineaste, it's hard to imagine a more attractive gift than the new box, "Essential Art House: 50 Years of Janus Films." From murderously clever comedies to Scandinavian existentialism, and including films by such cinema legends as Kurosawa, Bergman and Truffaut, the 50 films collected here are essential to any serious film library. It ain't cheap ($850), but the cost of having your friend actually watch Italian neorealist or French New Wave masterpieces instead of just talking about them is, most certainly, priceless.

Everyone's gaga about the iPod, but critics love to be contrary. Enter the Zune ($249.99), Microsoft's foray into the portable media market. In addition to storing songs and movies, the Zune offers wireless networking for sharing files. You know, in case someone hasn't actually heard the Tapes 'n Tapes album.