The Holy Roller

Your friend answers to a higher power. And so will your gift choices.

By Lauren Sandler

It's time to put the "fun" into "fundamentalist" this holiday season. Let's face it, that bacon-of-the-month subscription backfired last year when you forgot that "haram" and "traif" weren't arcane expressions of gratitude. Your Buddha-bearing "Rub My Belly" T-shirt wasn't the hit with your yogi, after all. When it comes to finding gifts for your very religious friends, you need a divine intervention. These ideas may just answer your prayers.

Illustrations by Ryan Germick

The Coupon:

Accompany your pal to a service of his or her choice. Don the requisite slippers/yarmulke/chador/hair shirt, open your mind, and take in a little of your friend's spiritual life. And drop that attitude -- nobody's trying to convert you. It's not always about you, you know. (Geesh, maybe you need more of a spiritual life.)
Send your coupon now.

The Bargain:

It's not officially approved by the Vatican, but the 12 doe-eyed priests who star in the Calendario Romano 2007 seem to offer us redemption in their tranquil gazes ... and oh so much more (don't get us started on Father June, who cradles a cat in his arms while giving us one devil-dog stare). Plus, if you order it (10 pounds; about $15 each) through this clever retailer, 1 pound ($1.80) is donated to the Food Chain, a London-based HIV charity.

Low-cost:

The Hindu goddess in your life needs something practical to cart her silken tofu and yoga pants around. How about this "Ganesh Is My Om Boy" tote ($16.99).

For that neurotic and bespectacled aspiring comedian in your life, whom you can always count on to add the "cha-cha" to Chanukah, here's the Old Testament of the Catskill set, "The Big Book of Jewish Humor" ($16.47).

Mid-range:

In today's modern workplace, it's hard enough to make every meeting on time; just try praying five times a day. This stylish modern Azan clock will alert your devout Muslim with the call to prayer in one of five different dialects: Makkah, Madina, Egyptian, Al-Aqsa or Turkish according to either the Hijira or Gregorian calendars -- plus, it tells the temperature -- all for just $44.95. There may be no God but Allah, but there are a million tacky prayer clocks. Choose one with style.

For that Zionist in your life who can redirect every conversation back to a screed about protecting the motherland, a menorah with a message: the Israeli Defense Force Menorah ($80). Light 'em and weep.

They've got a personal relationship with Jesus, so why not make it official? Enough of that second person "thee" or "thou" garbage -- if they say God is speaking directly to them through the Bible, why not make it so? Give them the Personal Promise Bible ($55 bonded leather New Testament), which adds their own name into every message from God.

Luxury:

Give money in your friend's name to Habitat for Humanity. It's a Christian ministry "dedicated to eliminating substandard housing and homelessness worldwide and to making adequate, affordable shelter a matter of conscience and action." What on earth, you heartless cur, is so wrong with that? Your friend will love you for it -- and God will, too. Do it here. And give as much as you think your soul is worth, sinner.

Why should the hajji in your life sleep with the masses on his yearly pilgrimage? Instead, buy him a royal suite connected directly to the Holy Mosque -- through King Abdul Aziz Tunnels -- at Le Meridien Towers in Makkah (price negotiable).