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Wednesday, Dec 23, 2009
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There's only one thing on their mind, and you can't give that. Or can you?
By Lauren Sandler
She's the queen of Too Much Information, the only one who can bring a flush to your neck and a giant vibrator to the bridal shower your aunt hosted. You live vicariously through his sexploits -- and shudder at his dinner party faux pas. They see sex in everything -- and everyone sees it in them. They live for it. So toss the Applebee's coupons -- give them what they want already.
Illustrations by Ryan Germick
What you want to promise your Nympho friend
surely depends on what he or she -- and you -- um ... want out of
your relationship. But we'd suggest playing wing person for a naughty
night out -- wherever, under the cover of dark, your Nympho's
daylight friends wouldn't normally want to go.
Send your coupon now.
She can sit on Santa's lap -- or anyone else's -- and talk about how
she's been very, very bad this year, in these red, marabou-ringed,
bell-tinkling thigh highs ($4.99).
Business or pleasure? For your frequent flier, this Mini Mile High Club gift set ($24) was designed with the "occupied" light in mind.
From French kissing to French ticklers, Gallic pleasures have long been synonymous with la vie erotique. The stories of "oh, oh, oh" are collected in "Ooh La La!" a new anthology by French women writers ($10.85).
Kama Sutra's massage oils ($14.99) are sure to give any erotic massage a happy ending.
The three words "sexy men's underwear" conjure up some pretty vile images, let's be honest. American men, at least, have thankfully not embraced the euro bikini, and the stout-hearted who brave the thong are, frankly, going to get all the sex they deserve. As any self- respecting Nympho knows, there's nothing sexier than a well-sculpted pair of basic white briefs. And when we have to choose, nothing comes between us and our Calvins ($19.50 for a four-pack).
Today's horny little buggers don't know how lucky they have it; the Internet has made satisfying your porn jones as easy as point-and-click. But it wasn't that long ago that skin seekers would be cloistered in front of a TV, volume down, waiting for Showtime to turn raunchy. And the queen of all that soft-focus and saxophone- heavy soft-core was undoubtedly "Emmanuelle." Starring the luscious and willowy Dutch actress Sylvia Kristel, the 1974 film tracks the erotic awakening of one young woman living in a French expatriate community in Thailand. With its artful direction, intimations of violence, and tender lesbianism, "Emmanuelle" offered a vision of sexuality that seems far more dangerous, adult and, yes, hotter, than that on display in "Ass Intake 4." The best of the "Emmanuelle" films (they continued making them into the '90s, though not with Kristel) are available as part of the import-only box set "The Emmanuelle Collection." It's the perfect pick for the Nympho in your life -- or anyone else who, in the words of one of Emmanuelle's swarthy seducers, seeks a journey to "the dernieres limites of erotisme" ($56 and up).
Emmanuelle, sadly, won't offer your gay male Nympho more than mild bemusement. We suggest one of the many Dark Alley productions, which are well-produced and lean toward the outré ("Quickies" is a modest $29.95). Let's face it, your Nympho's no newbie, and a glossy Michael Lucas production would probably bore him to tears.
For those who want to put their porn to practice, the Liberator Wedge ($85, and a perfect 27-degree angle, its manufacturers swoon) can accomplish in a small pillow what giant triangle-shaped ottomans aspire to do, and can be tucked discreetly under a bed or behind a couch cushion.
This fine leather Restraining Arts Kit, from Kiki (read: "kinky") de Montparnasse is perhaps what James
Bond may have packed alongside his shaving brush ($595).
There's something elegantly direct about the Little Gold Vibrator ($295). It certainly doesn't have the beige, medical look that some of those sensitive, sisterly vibes suffer from, nor does it have the garish colors (or ghoulish sizes) of those "fun" toys. It's also lovely without being the sort of scary art sex toy that would send us running out of the room faster than Kathleen Turner in "Crimes of Passion." It's just sexy, confident and useful for about any predilection imaginable.
For five-star hedonism with a view, the private spa room, high atop the Mandarin Hotel overlooking Central Park, can't be beat -- and is available for three-hour rental ($1,090). With its kang bed, elevated bath, fireplace, steam and herbal treatments, and bento box service, your Nympho should have all the privacy and relaxation she (or he) and a partner could crave.
