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Now, I must admit that I went on a bit of a binge in the days immediately preceding the appointed day. And although there were plenty of times when I almost fell off the wagon, I made it.

But it was hard. There were many stumbling blocks. Consider the plight of a diet soda addict: Soda is just about everywhere. It seems like every street corner has a mini-market or vending machine. And to make things worse, at my office, the fridge is perpetually stocked with soda. It's free to all employees. Needless to say, a workplace perk to others was my personal hell this week. I felt like an alcoholic assigned to work in a bar. The cooler mocked me wickedly.

Part of the reason the week was so hard is that I don't really like other beverages. For starters, I hate milk, and as for juice, tea and coffee -- none of them do it for me on an everyday basis. In my experience, they all deposit a bitter, almost rancid aftertaste on my palate. Others, however, contend that diet sodas actually have a bad aftertaste, due to the aspartame used to sweeten them. And is this artificial sweetener really going to give me cancer, or worse, as the fanatics at www.aspartamekills.com argue?

No. Aspartame, found in both NutraSweet and Equal brands, is made of two amino acids: aspartic acid and phenylalanine. We consume these same amino acids in foods every day -- from milk and fruits to vegetables. Regardless of the source and of the amount consumed, the body simply digests them. (Although there are some people who lack the necessary enzyme to do so. For the one in 16,000 people born with this serious condition -- phenylketonuria, or PKU -- foods with phenylalanine can cause mental retardation and seizures. All foods or beverages containing aspartame bear labels warning about this ingredient.)

But since 1967, more than 200 studies have been conducted on aspartame. While there have been false alarms along the way, all of these studies have boiled down to one thing, say the folks at NutraSweet: The sweetener is safe -- even for pregnant and breast-feeding women.

And many reputable organizations agree. While they are hardly handing out diet colas, the American Medical Association, American Cancer Society, National Cancer Institute, the American Diabetes Association and the Food and Drug Administration all consider aspartame a safe sugar substitute.

So NutraSweet is not going to kill me. But what about dehydration? I drink so much soda and so little water that I worry my blood may be more brown than red. But with all due respect to Mother Nature, water bores me.

Anyway, there's plenty of water in soda, right? (It's the first ingredient, after all.) That rationalization was quickly shot down. It's both carbonated and caffeinated. While there is nothing inherently bad about carbonated water, said Edith Howard Hogan, a nutritionist and spokeswoman for the American Dietetic Association, it does have a propensity to cause bloating and gas.

Suffice it to say, I know a bit about bloating. I spent my week anxiously awaiting the appearance of my simply stifled washboard abs. Not only did I cut out carbonation, but by virtue of doing so, I actually ate less salt. To me, the two are inseparable. So without a diet coke, I had little appetite for pretzels or chips, to say nothing of the ultimate combination: popcorn and soda. You don't see them selling guava juice at the movies, do you?

But at the end of the week I still had that paunch. And I still felt a tad bloated. Perhaps my stomach just looks like that. Maybe I should just do some sit-ups. What's more, said Hogan, the caffeine in most sodas has a diuretic effect that pretty much negates all that water. (She also told me that if I really want a flat stomach I would not only stretch daily, but I'd start wearing better "foundations." A girdle, I thought, does not constitute an organically flat stomach, but Hogan was insistent that a simple panty with support paneling would do me a world of good.)

I expected a terrible caffeine-withdrawal headache, but it was only on the third day that I felt a slight one. But the whole caffeine issue doesn't end with headaches. Over the years, caffeine has been linked to myriad health problems, from cancer and cardiovascular disease, miscarriages and other fertility problems to aggravated PMS symptoms and migraine headaches.

While the stuff about PMS and migraines seems to be true, many of the more dire reports have been discounted, or have unreplicated findings at best. In fact, even experts at the prestigious Mayo clinic admit that "if you are going to a have a vice, [it] is probably one of the least harmful. As long as you drink it in moderation."

But we don't. According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, teenage boys drink an average of three sodas a day, and girls don't trail far behind. As a whole, Americans drink about two times as much soda as milk, and six times a much as fruit juice.

And who can blame them? But still, I was curious: How much caffeine are we really getting every time we crack open a can? Turns out that just one cup of drip coffee can have about 140 milligrams of caffeine, whereas a diet soda usually has about 45. So even if I drink five caffeinated cans, I'll still be getting less caffeine than if I had two eight-ounce cups of coffee. And these are not the overflowing grandes most people knock back these days.

But having too much caffeine -- even if it is less than the amount in coffee -- is not the only drawback to soda. The phosphoric acid used in most dark colas, added for taste and acidity, can double-cross you.

Here's how, explained NYU's Sharron Dalton: "Phosphorus and calcium are both critical minerals for bone growth and maintenance. In healthy bones, there's an equilibrium of the two. Get too much phosphoric acid in the body, and calcium reserves are called in to neutralize the acid and restore the balance."

But the nefariousness of phosphoric acid doesn't stop there. The kidneys (in my case, probably already craving water) must bear the brunt of all this work. What's more, some studies have linked soda drinking, and the surfeit of minerals tumbling through the kidneys, with the formation of kidney stones.

More than "brittle bones" or "hip fractures," "kidney stones" are two words that terrify me. Having kidney stones is one of the most painful experiences possible, I hear. They'll bring you to your knees, victims warn. While there's been sparse research on the precise relationship between kidney stones and soda, it seems significant to me that the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases has relegated sodas to its "to be avoided" pantry.

So Hogan tried to strike another deal with me: "Why don't you, every time you drink a soda, also have a glass of water." If I follow Hogan's advice I'll spend my weekend in the bathroom. Trying to wrestle with a girdle, no doubt.

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I wish I could say that when I woke up on the first day after my diet soda detox, I didn't think about soda, but the truth is, I did. And around 11 a.m., I opened my first can of soda in one week. The sound was a decidedly melodious hiss, followed by a joyful, crisp POP. And the taste was equally splendid. But then something funny happened. I guess I got distracted, because the next thing I knew, it was hours later and I hadn't touched it. Now that is surely progress, right? Perhaps the week had chipped away, if only just a little bit, at the force of my habit.

But come Monday, I noticed myself easing right back into my old chain-drinking ways. So I sent a quick e-mail to the person in charge of the bulk junk-food supply at our office.

"I have a special request," I began. "Could we get some diet Sprite or diet 7-Up in our next shipment?" (Neither of those contain phosphoric acid or caffeine.) "No problem," she said. "Expect delivery by next week." And, at Edith Howard Hogan's suggestion, I've started to sneak more water and milk into my day. I now mix hot chocolate packets with water, and if there is any milk around, I dump some of that in, too. It may be my only vice, but I am trying to rein it in.

But, at the risk of being an overzealous spokeswoman for either Coke or Pepsi, I will always, always appreciate the tremendous Joy of Cola, and the unparalleled taste of the Real Thing.
salon.com | Sept. 30, 1999

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