Operating Instructions: Every time you see the word "feminist" in the mainstream press, please erase and replace with the following phrase: "Democratic Party Hack."

I can't take it anymore! Every time another pundit or reporter claims to describe what feminists are or aren't doing about the White House scandals, I want to scream, "That's no feminist you're talking about, buddy, that's a Gutless Wonder with a Vagina." And when they say feminists aren't talking about the issues, I'm like: "YOO HOO! I'm talking, and I was a feminist when many of these bozos were still Cosmo girls."

Take the National Organization for Women -- please! They've embarrassed me enough over the years, and now I'm going to give them a taste of their own medicine. They were always so holier-than-thou, systematically getting rid of everyone who wasn't just like them: white, upper-middle class, straight (or closeted), sex-phobic Democratic party apologists. As you can imagine, that's not a huge group anymore -- but they still manage to hang onto a name that insists that they represent half the population!

Well, it's all over, sweethearts. I'm taking away your library card, I'm stripping badges and I'm not returning phone calls. Calling NOW feminists is like calling the People's Republic of China communist: Marx and Emma Goldman are both rolling in their graves.

The label "feminist" has been exploited by people who wouldn't know a shameless hussy if she fell on top of them. The right wing correctly points out that the "feminist leadership" are hypocrites to get upset about Democratic victims, but not about Republican ones. The right has always seen feminism as a partisan complaint center, and the way these flacks of the Democratic Party act, I can see why.

Too many political eras have passed since anyone saw a grass-roots feminist movement in action. Let's look at what roots feminist theory is really all about. With the current "Bill and Monica and Ken and Hillary" melodrama, there's plenty of raw material for acute feminist insight:

IF a feminist is someone who believes in a woman's sexual self-determination, then feminists know Monica Lewinsky is plenty old enough to carry on consensual affairs.

IF a feminist is someone who sees the clitoris as the seat of female sexual pleasure, then feminists think that Monica is getting a raw deal if all that's going down are blow jobs.

IF a feminist is someone who analyzes monogamy as a romanticized property arrangement, then feminists don't care how the Clintons organize their marital arrangements.

IF feminists think that the personal is political, then feminists would appreciate the president and first lady sharing their candid views on how couples can survive as lovers and companions over the years.

IF feminists are for sisterhood, then Linda Tripp is no friend to anyone.

IF feminists are pissed off at the way older women are rendered invisible when they don't have a man to represent them, then feminists wonder if the Linda Tripps of the world are having their little revenge.

IF feminists look at the big picture of how women rarely rise above second-class citizenship, then feminists are appalled at the few opportunities for women to be somebody in the White House who doesn't support a lesser man in a suit.

IF feminists are amazed at the everyday pettiness of sexism, the White House just looks like Any-Office, USA, writ large.

IF a feminist thinks that the leaders she votes for will fight like hell for equal rights, against discrimination and for women's power, then Clinton has been a big disappointment to all who supported him.

IF feminists hold their noses sometimes and vote for somebody just because that person promises to hold the line on abortion, then feminists have got what they paid for haven't they?

IF a feminist is someone who gets off on strong female symbols, then feminists are inevitably attracted to Hillary's poise.

IF a feminist is someone who believes that standing by your man can bury you, then feminists are appalled that Hillary puts up with Bill's bullshit.

AND IF a feminist is someone who'll be damned if she doesn't see her daughter have a better life then she did, then a feminist would gladly take every penny of the 40 MILLION DOLLARS we're paying Ken Starr (think about it!) to use instead for women's education, health, athletics, child care, sexual enhancement and artistic development. To paraphrase a great old Another Mother for Peace slogan, "If Ken Starr had to throw a bake sale to pay for his indictments ..."

It's a sad time for roots feminists, and it's not because somebody might have perjured themselves on the question of adultery. It's because of the role models we see before us: an arrogant husband who is hostage to his own double standard, a first wife who is determined to hold onto power through her husband at all costs, a young woman who thinks the height of prestige is to suck off your hero, a prosecutor who thinks this country should be run by a literal translation of the Old Testament -- plus a cast of thousands who apparently would sell anyone out to get 15 minutes on "Hard Copy."

Isn't that just a priceless vision for the next generation? Give me a braless, ball-busting, hussy bitch bulldagger any day of the week.