A lot of people think it's a shame Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, R-Miss., made such a spectacle of himself recently on "The Armstrong Williams Show," a cable TV talk show -- carrying on in about the sin of homosexuality and urging the afflicted to seek the treatment they need.

Trent is a very powerful man in American politics, and it's not often that you get to hear a man of his stature reveal his most private thoughts on sexuality, from gay sex to adultery to the new Baptist edict on wifely submission to one's husband. (Trent says "no" to that last command, by the way, and I was disappointed that the interviewer didn't follow up by asking whether Trent is partial to submission himself.)

Lott not only angered gays and lesbians with his remarks, he also embarrassed a lot of those show-me-the-money Republicans whose main interest in human nature is how we can squeeze one more nickel out of those irritating poor people. There are lots of nice, conservative, wealthy gay men, and even a handful of eccentric lesbian millionaires, who would gladly support Republican candidates if Little Trenty Preacher Boy would shut up and stop annoying everybody with his quaint religious beliefs.

Lott was defended by comrades like his old friend, the House Majority Leader Dick Armey, R-Texas -- the guy who called openly gay Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., a "fag" and then claimed everybody had heard him wrong -- who stuck out his lower lip and told the press that if nothing else Trent and he were both firm believers in the Bible.

Lott is such a Bible cultist that he has been holding up the nomination of openly gay San Francisco philanthropist James Hormel to the ambassadorship of Luxembourg, simply because he does not want to send some sinner to represent the interests of United States on foreign soil. Heaven knows, the people in Luxembourg have been through enough without having to suffer some Yankee pervert.

When I hear someone defending their political positions by saying they "believe in the Bible," my initial response is: So what? Thanks to the foresight of our founding fathers, you can believe in little green men if you want to, but you sure don't see anyone defending that position in the Senate by waving Whitley Strieber's "Communion" around.

Many Americans who are not fastened at the temples to a Christian prayer book are offended by politicians who justify their decisions by piously quoting the Old Testament. The Bible is simply not where it's at as far as the constitution is concerned, Mr. Lott, and you should be as embarrassed to use scriptures as your sword of truth in Congress as I would be to wave a wand and say I was following the Tooth Fairy's instructions.

The thing is, content aside, it's really awkward these days to say you "believe" in a book -- or any media for that matter. Does Mr. Lott have any idea how many editors went over that thing he's holding in his hands and calling "God's word"? Trust me, right now, God's probably crying on the phone to his agent about how his publisher completely mangled Leviticus. Savvy readers these days would do well to treat everything between two covers as utter fiction, with more than a few typos to boot.

Lott says that there are plenty of homosexuals who manage to lead productive lives because they repress their urges and remain abstinent. Sorry, sir, we already know about that; it's called being a closet case. An unusually large number of gay people, in fact, have been so unhappy and persecuted for their sexual orientation that they've opted for suicide, the ultimate in abstinence. Nonexistence is probably the only way to make sure that you never have a sinful human feeling ever again.

I'd really like to talk to the gays, bisexuals, lesbians and other "sinners" in Trent Lott's blood family and see if we could organize an intervention. You see, it goes without saying that someone who Lott loves dearly is gay -- just as sure as Phyllis Schlafley's son is queer. One in 10 covers a lot of ground, as Alfred Kinsey and most American families have found out over the years.

Trent's nonheterosexual loved ones are probably more than a little hurt that he is so painfully ignorant. They've no doubt been avoiding the subject with him because he gets so upset, being confused about the differences between alcoholism, kleptomania and sodomy. Let's hope he doesn't call the Betty Ford Center in a panic and order a lavender bed jacket -- or perform a strip search to ferret out the k.d. lang CDs they might have shoplifted. "Stop it, Trent! We're largely sober and have massive credit card debt!"

The wackiest thing about Trent's public airing of his lunacy was that the White House actually condemned it. Press Secretary Mike McCurry went so far as to express exasperation that extreme beliefs like Lott's were making it impossible to have rational discussions in government. I find it plausible that McCurry himself is nauseated by the fact that our government is held captive to fundamentalist chauvinists, but how could our president allow such frankness? Everyone knows that Clinton would rather give up blow jobs forever than be publicly allied with gay causes like nondiscrimination, the legalization of all forms of consensual sex or, heaven forbid, sinfests like same-sex marriage. This is a guy who can go to China and get tears in his eyes about human rights, but when it comes to being brave on the home front, honey, don't ask me and I won't tell you how horrible it really is.

Aw, I know I'm hard on Clinton -- he's just another coward in a system that rewards the most charming hypocrites. Bigotry and conceit are the order of the day, and Bible book-worshippers are among the few folks who still show up at the ballot box. My own neighborhood polling place is set up in a conservative church where we have to stare at posters ranting about God's Special Rangers just to punch our ticket.

Those of us who believe in fairies can only try to cast our spells with a little bit more deliberation and see if we can come up with some unexpected magic. Submit to me, Trent! -- I know you're hearing voices.