In my early 20s, I bought a book called "The Intimate Kiss," a tract on the art of cunnilingus, which I studied diligently in hopes of becoming a great lover. Over the years, I read other books on lovemaking techniques and, on the whole, have left behind many well-loved, satisfied women. I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging: I am suggesting that the men reading this article can consciously improve their love lives by learning a few things and paying attention to their partners.

Despite my studies, I never gave spanking much thought and I was totally unaware of the generation and transmission of erotic power inherent in the act. Although I always enjoyed pictures of women in leather and rubber fetish gear, the actuality of bondage, submission, discipline seemed quite scary. Spanking, giving and receiving, was relegated to "too kinky" whenever I thought about it, which wasn't often.

The first time I spanked someone, it was not out of erotic play or intent. My then-wife and I were having a terrible argument. Our marriage was almost over -- actually it had been for a while. The passion was gone, she wanted me to move out. For a couple of years, sex had been perfunctory at best.

We were in the bedroom. She was being absolutely unreasonable and would not listen to me. Out of sheer frustration, I grabbed her, threw her over my knee and administered a thorough bare-handed disciplining ... after which she jumped up, attacked me and tore off my clothes. We had the hottest, most passionate sex we had had in years.

The connection between the two acts was not lost on me. But I was too busy suffering through our separation and divorce over the next couple years to think about it much.

I belong to a small mailing list on the Internet dedicated to analog synthesizers, their upkeep, market value, use, repairs, modifications: traditional Internet geek speak, in other words. For the most part these discussions remain tame and technical, but several years ago, an Australian named Robin Whittle, legendary in synthesizer circles for the modifications he developed for a little synth known as the Roland TB-303, reminded me of my spanking experience with a rather unorthodox letter he posted to the list.

At first the letter seemed unremarkable -- he was describing the genesis of his modifications, the intent and the results. And then, as the piece progressed, odd tidbits popped up. Discussing the TB-303 as fetish, he wrote: "Some people have to have the pure, original machine, so they can sound like their heroes. This is fetishism of a boring, narrowing kind." (Fetishism, presumably for Whittle, is fine when it leads to fresh combinations -- as in, I have a substantial collection of exotic corsetry and bonzai trees.)

We hadn't seen anything like this on the list before. Whittle developed the spanking/discipline/synthesizer theme for the rest of the piece, stressing the erotic act of pushing one's synthesizer to its limits.

"Investigate feedback loops [in the studio] and tweak them beyond stability. Dim the lights, flex your arms, turn on the tape-recorder, and deliver the punishment your studio/synthesizer needs to find its true voice -- wailing into new musical territory."

On visiting his Web site, I discovered several lengthy essays about spanking, discipline, masculinity, as well as the TB-303 and various and sundry other topics. Whittle's interest is not so much in spanking as erotic foreplay, although that is part of it, but as a necessary component of male-female relationships. The implication in his writings is that women by nature get out of line and men must assert themselves for the health of the relationship, because they care for and love their women.

This is rather strange turf we enter at this point -- the turf across which the archetypal cartoon caveman is dragging his beloved, whom he has just clubbed, to his cave. The older I get the less I know about fundamental motivations for human behavior. God knows I can barely explain my own behavior sometimes.

Do women act out of line? Without a doubt. Are they testing their mates? Perhaps. Right now, this moment, I find myself wondering if regular spankings might have saved my marriage, had I cared enough, had I had the will, courage and conviction to demonstrate that care. I don't think so -- it was over. You go down that path a few more steps and you are O.J. Simpson. Nonetheless, Whittle very eloquently makes his case for spanking, for the emotional, as opposed to erotic, leverage it brings to a relationship as a stabilizing force. While I cannot vouch for their authenticity, he posts many letters from women who share his views. Here is an excerpt:

"Women cannot, and will not, respect perceived weakness or any man that will not fight for their relationship," wrote one of his many adulatory female correspondents. "So, I want you to understand that I really believe you have tapped into a pulsing, unseen vein in society that needs to be oxygenated, explored and put out there in print. Spanking is not simply some strange fetish used for sexual arousal and enjoyment! ... I have said for years that spanking was an emotional issue -- a heart issue that has very little to do with sex to start. Now to have a deep need met with a spanking will definitely endear you LUSTILY to the one you now see as a savior of your insecurities, but it still starts, in my opinion, with basic, unmet, emotional needs. Perhaps it is too embarrassing for many to take spanking out of the sexual realm."

This was interesting -- especially since it was so contrary to much of what we have heard from women over the past 30 years of the "I prefer kind men who can express their feelings" ilk. But it wasn't something around which I was going to plan a new erotic life. On the synth mailing list, we made lots of jokes about spanking synths for a while. A year later, I met someone who asked me to spank her during our lovemaking.

Much to my surprise, I found myself enjoying watching the crimson flush spread across her smooth white butt, my hand meeting her rounded flesh, the sound of the smack bouncing sharply off the bedroom wall, her gasps, the intensity of her sexual response geometrically increasing with each slap, the heat, physical, emotional, primal, generated, juices flowing like lava, a feedback loop of pure sexual energy, nova time.

It was as if a world of intense sexual possibility, hitherto hidden, or at least unexplored, revealed itself to me that night. Mind you, she had been spanked before, but it was all new to me. I cannot offer any psychological analysis here. But as a man who has always loved sex with women, the incredible moment of a woman's orgasm -- being there with it, in it (Tennessee Williams once pointed out that homosexual men never experience that with a man) -- I was amazed by the all-around intensity my bare-handed paddling generated. Imagine my surprise this late in life.

Was this sadism on my part, masochism on hers? Of course not -- sadomasochism implies fetishism, guilt, transference of real sexual feelings to objects, rituals and other stuff not normally connected to sex. Spanking seemed only an addition to what had hitherto been my rather orthodox approach to sex.

Cut to my high school reunion a few months ago. I hadn't seen Cheryl since the last one, five years ago. She still looked cute. Single, like me. She asked me to dance, early on. By night's end, we were pretty friendly. We ended up necking at my place. Swatted her bottom lightly. She said harder. I obliged. Things progressed. Nova time again.

Later she explained, "I love getting spanked. It makes my whole body just vibrate. I had a lover who used a belt and just the sound of it coming out of his pants and being folded over was completely exciting."

So I'm turning into quite the enthusiastic spanker by this time, not that I'm going to Bondage a-Go-Go every week -- I went once years ago and it wasn't the public paddling that shocked me (after a while anyway) -- it was a guy kneeling by the bar with a line of women in front of him, waiting to have their boots licked clean by him, one at a time, resting on his raised knee, their conversations as they stood there, drinks and cigarettes in hand, as banal as anything you might hear in a suburban beauty parlor on any given afternoon.

I want to know more about spanking: I guess my pride as a great lover has taken a blow. I asked a gay friend, quite knowledgeable about sexual matters, gay and straight, why women like to get spanked. He said, without hesitation, "The same reason men like to get spanked."

This didn't quite resonate with yours truly. Nonetheless, in the search for erotic possibility and truth, a short time later I asked my friend Mary if she wanted to try spanking me. Yes she did, and did so ... but no major heat was generated. No explanation here. I cannot attribute it to cultural conditioning ... or whatever. Perhaps I was just too uptight to enjoy it ... most likely not -- I think getting spanked is just not going to do it for me, ever. Biting, scratching, pinching ... yes.

Later, after checking the spanking personal ads on the Web (there are lots), I determined to take a poll about spanking among my women friends.

Although a couple of women dismissed it as "creepy," a majority of them admitted that during the act of lovemaking, they enjoy it. Maybe it's just the circles I run in, but I don't think so.

A 40-year-old writer at a major daily newspaper confessed, "I was having a fight with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he spanked me, and then took me by force. It was absolutely one of the hottest sexual encounters of my life. It was like my body took over, responding on its own, counter to everything I had believed I would and should like, especially considering my feminist sensibilities." She then counseled me that if I were going to write a balanced piece on spanking that I had to survey my male friends as well.

So I asked a few. One friend admitted to getting spanked by a dominatrix in public at a fetish club in San Francisco. He said it didn't really turn him on. Another friend will not speak about something that happened at the same club, nor will he return there. None of my close straight male friends expressed any interest in being the spankee, much preferring to be the spanker. There are men, I am sure, who like to be spanked.

This is everything I know today about spanking.

Conclusion: By a margin of 3-1, women enjoy getting spanked (by someone they trust) as a part of lovemaking, taking spanking out of the area of kink and putting it squarely into the realm of normal sexual behavior. Men: Are you up to it?

Conclusion: Bottoms are well-padded for a good reason.

Conclusion: Well-rounded butts appeal to me quite differently these days.

Conclusion: Further study is recommended.