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August 14, 1999 |
Two years ago, Dorothy informed me that she and Paul, her boyfriend of two years, were not having sex. I assumed she meant yet. This spring she told me that she and Paul were planning to get married, and that they were still abstaining. Abstaining? I immediately asked the obvious question: "Where are you registered?" I knew I would need a hint when it came time to buy them the most appropriate present. Dorothy grinned and named the department store. The grin was about something other than flatware. It had been five years since she last had sex, and her wedding night was two months away. Dorothy and I met 11 years ago at the University of South Carolina, on our first day of school. I was not a virgin, but she was. I continued on my planned course of action: carousing, men and a bachelor's degree ASAP. Dorothy, on the other hand, when I would crash into our dorm room late at night, kindly brought me glasses of water and ... studied. Eventually she ended up with a master's in international business, three extra languages, a romantic ski weekend in her junior year that did away with her hymen and an affair with an Italian man while she studied abroad. Then, as now, Dorothy took her time. "Why?" I asked her, over bowls of gumbo. Dorothy looked like she'd expected my question -- I suppose the abstainers of the world know how everyone else thinks. "And doesn't that mean Paul's still a virgin?" I added to make sure I was remembering correctly. Also Today Giving it up "Paul's still a virgin," she confirmed. "He grew up with an idea of the white picket fence marriage, and virginity is a part of that. I don't think he ever seriously questioned it. Even now if I were to pressure him to do it, he would not. We don't even get close." "You don't even get close?" "The physical intimacy question was hard to deal with for the first year, and it's only somewhat less difficult now," she said, avoiding the real meat of my question. "But absolutely I am glad that we waited and I can't really imagine us being together any other way. Well, on April 10th I can imagine us being together." "But, what have you been doing?" "I just got a promotion at work!" she said coyly. "No! What have you been doing instead of ..." I suddenly felt shallow, making sex sound a hobby, like tying fishing flies. All that grinding and necking doesn't really take up that much time when I think about it. "I mean, how can you marry someone you haven't had sex with, much less a virgin?" "Oh, I'm confident that our sex life after marriage will be normal. We both have normal sex drives, and we plan to fully engage in whatever activities we want to. Pre-marital sex, like infidelity, goes against the idea of devotion to one person for a lifetime. Divorce isn't an option either. So, it's not just 'no sex before marriage' but the many things that we want to be important in our marriage. And," Dorothy continued with a smart, pointed squint, "Paul has waited for 27 years, so a few more weeks won't hurt him a bit." "But, he knows you're not a virgin, right?" I couldn't imagine Dorothy faking innocence. "He knows, but so far it's don't ask, don't tell."
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