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By Lily Burana

Aug. 14, 1999 | Who hasn't gone through a period in their adult life when they thought about sex and then thought, "Eh, why bother?" There are many compelling reasons to have sex -- the need for affection, arousal, the desire to get pregnant, to get off, to get over someone by getting under someone else. Sex can be sublime and meaningful, or at the very least, something to do to pass the time. Sometimes, though, it just doesn't seem worth the effort -- either the motivations aren't clear, the feelings aren't there or the potential hurt and disappointment outweigh any potential heat-of-the-moment benefit.

Is celibacy a solution for sexual ennui and confusion?

Author Donna Marie Williams thinks so. In her book, "Sensual Celibacy: The Sexy Woman's Guide to Using Abstinence for Recharging Your Spirit, Discovering Your Passions, Achieving Greater Intimacy in Your Next Relationship," she makes a case for consciously curtailing sexual activity for better peace of mind. Not that everyone needs that. We all know that some people can just naturally balance love, sex, work, family, friendship and spiritual growth. Others, however, find that time and time again, their lives are totally eaten up by their romantic and sexual pursuits -- even when they're certain to be dead ends. Those are the people Williams is trying to reach in part because she's been there herself.

Also Today Heavy petting For the born-again virgin, abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.

Williams, a stunning 40-ish African-American woman, is candid enough to admit, "I had no identity or sense of worth outside my male-female relationships." Without several periods of celibacy, she writes that she "could never have developed identity and self-worth within a relationship. I needed the time alone. Although I perceived celibacy as sexual famine and karmic punishment, the times alone were gold mines of opportunities to discover the real me."

Williams is hardly the lone wolf of modern celibacy -- her contemporaries include authors Wendy Shalit ("The Return to Modesty") and Wendy Keller ("The Cult of the Born-Again Virgin: How Single Women Can Reclaim Their Sexuality"). While statistics about the increase in celibacy-by-choice are sketchy at best (none of the aforementioned authors can cite a definitive study), its proponents insist that a whole lot of people are opting out of sex, and that an "underground movement" is indeed afoot.

The rise in American fundamentalism -- Jewish, Christian and Islamic -- is no doubt fueling much of the new passion for celibacy. From screaming girls at Christian rock concerts claiming they are reborn virgins to Shalit's orthodox long-skirted "refusniks," pockets of women are being touted in the media as scions of a new sexual conservativism. But what's interesting is that none of these writers comes from a religious perspective. They may admire the attitudes of certain religions toward erotic restraint but they're not practicing religious people themselves.

Next page | Is secular celibacy simply a fancy term for prudery?