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Ah, Beavis, what a wonderful world that would be. Of course, women think the same of men. The difference is that women generally desire a package involving a dozen roses, candlelit dinner and a foot massage. Whereas men want to make the naked pretzel with Jennifer Lopez.

It's the great yawning chasm that lies between Hustler and Cosmo's sex tips. The sex tips of the former involve complete carnal depravity, while the latter's, inexplicably to Maxim readers, almost always seem to include, you guessed it, a dozen roses, candlelit dinner and a foot massage.

Unfortunately, ladies, technology seems to have advanced no further toward netting that dreamboat willing to whisper sweet nothings in your ear while snuggling through an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

But for the fellas, there's Abyss Creations, makers of the Realdoll.

For a cool $5,000, scrubs of all shapes and sizes can obtain unlimited access to all three orifices on a bootilicious bombshell fashioned from high-grade silicone flesh.

Sure, your local porn palace offers any number of disembodied vaginas sculpted after those of adult film vixens, and the plastic blow-up doll has been around for decades. And Abyss Creations has a number of competitors: Triple-X-Sextoys, for instance, offers a silicone love doll modeled after pornstress Chasey Lain for $259.

But Realdoll is the Cadillac of the club. With five anatomically correct body types; nine head styles, including a Japanese cutie named Mai; and a wide choice of characteristics including eye and hair colors as well as breast size, the company has gone a long way toward fulfilling the promise of that prescient 1975 flick, "The Stepford Wives." You know, the one where a cabal of yupper-crust executives take over a Connecticut town and replace their wives with oversexed androids who dig housework.

At present, Realdolls contain no animated parts. But plans for blinking eyelids, vaginas that contract and voice boxes that respond to sensors in the doll's body are in research and development.

The following comes verbatim from the Web site:

We are happy to introduce Stephanie. Complete with a new body (#5) and a head (#8). This body is an alternative for large breast lovers who do not wish to go with heavier body three. Body 5 weighs in at just 105 lbs, and has 34E cup breasts. Click the picture to the left to see more of Stephanie.

For accessories, Abyss Creations offers extra wigs, so you can mix and match her hair with what she's wearing. (Remember Garanimals, anyone?) And there's even a Realdoll CD with 20 minutes of moaning and groaning to make you feel like the stud-muffin you always dreamed of being.

Crikey, what have we come to? After all, $5,000 can buy a lot of trips to the local brothel for sex with an actual woman, not a lifeless puppet. Apparently some guys would rather own a trailer than rent a penthouse.

Well, according to Dr. Timothy Taylor, author of "The Prehistory of Sex: Four Million Years of Human Sexual Culture," this Realdoll business is just par for the course.

"Non-reproductive sex seems to have been a part of the human sexual repertoire from the time of our divergence from our common primate ancestor," asserts Taylor. "Human sexuality is more a cultural phenomenon than a biological drive."

Taylor says that Ice Age people of 25,000 years ago carved functional dildoes and female figures with detailed vaginas, but whether either was used in sex play remains unknown. And full-body phallic sculptures existed in ancient Greece and Egypt, but were more for religious ceremonies than masturbation.

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