A L S O_ T O D A Y

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Tom Tomorrow

T A B L E_ T A L K

Incoming freshman seeks advice. Ask questions, give answers in the Education area of Table Talk

R E C E N T L Y

Creeps on campus
By Dawn MacKeen
Do bad guys have a right to higher education?
(10/09/98)

My crabs or yours?
By Dan Stern
Protecting yourself from the creatures of the sexual swamp
(10/07/98)

Ask Camille
By Camille Paglia
Trouncing feminist film criticism and its cadre of ass-kissing puritans
(10/07/98)

Scholars of smut
By Carina Chocano
World Pornography Conference: Academics cheer as porn stars theorize
(10/05/98)

Escaping college poverty
By Hank Hyena
If this campus parasite can make money and get laid, you can too
(10/02/98)

S A L O N
E M P O R I U M
FREE! 12-ounce bag of Salon Blend with a purchase of $30 or more. While supplies last.

BY KRISTINA BLACHERE | Forget the Great Equalizer. Thanks to modern medicine and cryogenics, it sometimes seems like the only certainties in today's world are debt and taxes. And few people know this better than those who have taken out student loans to pay for college. OK, they and the millions of Americans up to their necks in credit card debt. But at least when you're maxing out your Visa card you're getting valuable goods and services, like that Miracle Mop they sell on QVC. To the average 22-year-old leaving college, going tens of thousands of dollars into debt buys you a piece of vellum valued at over $100,000 and the option to spend even more money on an advanced degree when you realize that it's impossible to find meaningful work with a bachelor's in French poetry.

Yet more Americans are going to college now than ever, because society has successfully indoctrinated us to believe that a four-year degree opens social and economic doors. And some of us even harbor romantic notions about improving our minds and nurturing our souls. Since few people can afford the $24,000 or more yearly tuition for a private college, the only options are cheaper state colleges, taking out massive loans or praying for scholarships. So at the wise old age of 18, you solemnly swear to pay back that $20,000 plus interest, and a mere six months after graduation, reality hits. The little coupon books from the Student Loan Marketing Association (Sallie Mae) start descending upon your mailbox like crows on a wheat field -- evil omens of the inevitability of repayment. No more flipping burgers, it's time to get a real job. Preferably as an investment banker or a sex worker.

But if the thought of donning a suit (be it birthday or pin-striped) makes you feel like you're becoming what you hate most in the world, there are other ways to deal with the burden of a college education.

The most obvious tactic, and the one that seems most appealing to recent graduates who wish they'd never learned to sign their names, is simply not to pay. But here's a little analogy that you can keep and use to study for the GREs: Sallie Mae is to college graduates what the IRS is to the Mafia. She'll get you in the end, and it won't be a pleasant fate. The letters will start coming -- three and four a day. The phone will ring at all hours of the night. And your friends, family, neighbors and garbage bins will become fair game for collection agencies as ruthless as bounty hunters.

Not that the fear of reprisal stops most people from committing a crime. We all know some poor soul who's tried the "ignore it and it'll go away" tactic. It's usually the same guy who stood weeping next to a pile of pink socks and underwear in the laundry room of the freshman dorm. Now he just falls down on the floor and starts twitching every time the phone rings, and begs his roommates to answer with foreign accents. This guy will probably die of stress-related causes at the age of 27 and be buried in a casket stuffed full of unopened notices from Sallie Mae. But that's a better fate than living in fear and with bad credit, which is another thing you can count on if you default on your loans. You may have no interest in buying a house or getting a credit card now, but a lot can change in the seven years it'll take you to clear up your credit record.

N E X T_ P A G E .|. Passive resistance or indentured servitude