WORD'S WORTH BY AMY WALLACE The first person to e-mail us with the correct answers will win a $25 gift certificate from Borders Books & Music.

I was perusing the personals the other day -- strictly for linguistic research, of course -- and I was struck by the secret code of foreign terms for sex practices. For example: "Strict English training sought by comely young man, highly educated in advanced French" "Greek a specialty! Call Orpheus at 1-800-CUM!" Why, I wondered, does no one offer Polish lessons? What would Israeli love entail? And what about the Belgians? My research led me to the following startling conclusions: racial slurs run rampant in the lingo of love. Everybody blames everybody else for everything. The English call a condom a "French letter" -- the French call it a "capot Anglaise" -- an "English raincoat." But the fingerpointing really goes wild when it comes to venereal disease. In the 15th century, we find "the Turkish disease." In the 16th century, the English were mad at the Spanish, so they called syphilis "Spanish needle," "Spanish pox" or "Spanish gout." But by the 18th century it was "the malady of France." To be "Frenchified" meant to be diseased, and to be "knocked with a French faggot" described a person who had lost his nose to VD. Blaming the Italians was not unheard of -- there was the "Neapolitan disease" and the "Naples canker." In the 17th century, we find the "Scotch fiddle" and the "Polish disease." Two oddities are "the Chinese evil," which refers not to syphilis but to leprosy, and "Hawaiian disease," referring to an absence of women. ("Hawaiian eye" also stands for anus, and a "pineapple princess" is a Hawaiian homosexual.) The Irish come in for the worst beating. "Irish draperies" are pendulous breasts, the vagina is an "Irish fortune," an "Irish toothpick" is a penis and an "Irish shave" is an act of defecation. My favorite euphemism for sexual intercourse is the relatively recent "Ugandan discussions" or "talking about Uganda." These terms were first used in the satirical British magazine Private Eye. Apparently Uganda's female minister of foreign affairs was discovered in flagrante delicto in an airport lavatory, and the thing just caught on. So the next time you're dawdling over your cappuccino and biscotti and you happen to read "Comely pineapple princess, vegetarian, seeks hirsute partner for Ugandan discussions" -- you'll be in the know. Can you match the following with the activities they describe? 1. Tell a French joke 2. Irish wedding 3. Jamaica discipline 4. Go to Copenhagen 5. Hindustani jig 6. Dutch fuck 7. Russian salad party 8. Scotch screw 9. Roman engagement A. Anal intercourse with a virgin girl B. Masturbation C. Nocturnal emission D. Oral stimulation of the anus E. Orgy in which all participants are greasy F. Have a sex-change operation G. An act of lighting one cigarette from another H. A wife's denial of sexual favors to her husband I. Anal intercourse 2. Which of the following does not refer to genitalia? 1. Roman candle 2. Jew's lance 3. French fare 4. English sentry 5. Welsh flagpole 6. Canadian bacon Are your answers and other information all filled in? Then press the SUBMIT ANSWERS button below. This quickly sends your answers back to Salon. There is no need to press this button twice. Please enter your e-mail address: Please enter your full name: July 25, 1997 The winner of the last Word's Worth was Charles E. Minihan, who was the first to answer the following questions correctly: 1. Match these vernacular descriptions with the foods they describe. Here's a list of American words. Name their British equivalents: 1. billboard 2. bobby pin 3. nauseated 4. panty hose 5. scallions 6. sweater 7. thumbtack 8. zipper Answers: 1. hoarding 2. kirby grip 3. sick 4. tights 5. spring onions 6. jumper 7. drawing pin 8. zip Here's a list of words in their American spellings. Write them as they are spelled in Britain: 1. color 2. center 3. jewelry 4. aluminum 5. check 6. jail 7. whisky 8. maneuver 9. license Answers: 1. colour 2. centre 3. jewellery 4. aluminium 5. cheque 6. gaol 7. whiskey 8. manoeuvre 9. licence Amy Wallace is the co-author of many books, including "The Book of Lists," and the author of "The Prodigy," a biography, "Desire," a novel, and Salon's Listress quiz. She lives in Los Angeles.