Salon | Letters to the editor

_______________WHO NEEDS DAD? BY SUSIE BRIGHT (11/03/97)

Apparently, as with everything else in our consumer society, fathers are now disposable. Or so says Susie Bright in her latest stunningly narcissistic piece. She states that she never wanted a husband or biological father for her children, and wants representation for the mothers who "don't give a shit" about providing their children with the same. As soon as she can find one child in the entire world who doesn't "give a shit" about his or her birth father, I'll concede her point.
Until then, I'll take her article for what it is -- yet another manifestation of the infantile narcissism and consumerism of popular American culture. It seems that Bright considers the presence of a child's biological father to be simply a question of "lifestyle choice." Stated another way, marriages, and by extension fathers, are simply products that mothers may choose to consume or not to consume.
A woman can never teach a child what it is to be a man, simply because she is not. An ever-shifting procession of male friends and lovers will never be an adequate substitute for a devoted, loving male parent.
That most men have failed miserably in this role is beyond question. But the answer is not to presume the obsolescence of fatherhood. It is instead for men to look inside of themselves and ask the painful question, "What does it mean to be a man, a husband and a father in the 21st century?"
The answer to that question might surprise all of us.
-- Robert Arellano

I am a 30-year-old single mother by choice. I am a teacher, own my own home, have a life full of great friends, and am the mother of a 22-month-old. I listen, on a daily basis, about how I ought to have a man in my life to be a father for my child. Many of my co-workers try to fix me up with men so that my daughter will have a "dad" in her life. Many times I have felt that I have done a big disservice to my daughter by not marrying her father. But most of the time I think the way Susie Bright does. There are plenty of people in my life who love my daughter and give her more than her biological father ever could. How right you are when I start worrying about my child "needing a father." It is me that needs a partner, not her, she doesn't know that she needs a father.
-- Kristen Hamilton

As usual, the illustrious woman who recommended keeping a vibrator plugged in by the bed has brought to mass media real honesty and bravery. I am 19 years old, the product of 19 years of unhappy marriage (15 of which I had to witness) and four years of fabulous growth via a single mom. It seems to me that single moms have more of a chance to concentrate on family, even more than married moms do with the best husband (or wife). Marriages take a lot of energy, especially messed-up marriages. But single moms get to have their cake and eat it too! Not to mention a little liberation can hardly be a bad thing.
-- Laura Maschal

I'll tell you who needs Dad: Kids need Dad. Sure, not every kid gets a dad, and sure, not every dad is up to the job. A lot of kids who have dads would be better off without the ones they have. A lot of moms have heroically raised their kids without the help of the kids' fathers. A surrogate, male or female, can often be an adequate substitute for a dad, and may be a far superior substitute for the actual father. All that is true.
That doesn't change the fact that kids need dads, and they grow up sadder and with a lot more difficulty if they don't have a good one.
But Susie Bright's article betrays a very troubling indifference toward the needs of children. She doesn't really seem concerned about whether or not kids need dads. She's too busy proclaiming that women don't need men, and putting down women who think they do. So women don't need men; so what?
-- Jim Crutchfield
Norfolk, Va.

I did not have a "Daddy" growing up and was raised by a mother alone who worked at well-paying, white-collar, prestigious jobs. Because of my mother I attained two degrees from two different private universities, while the middle-class "nuclear" families who had such contempt for us as a single parent family are shoveling shit in Alabama.
-- Jerry Sanders

Susie Bright is setting her child/ren up for failure in her foolish quest for a brave new world of love and joy and happiness without commitment. Sure, the men in her life will father her child. Sure, her lovers will stick around and be there after their relationships with Susie go kaput. Relationships require trust. Trust takes time. Time means a commitment.
How typical. Suddenly someone with, relatively speaking, about three weeks of child-raising experience knows exactly how it should be done; the way to mothering success, in one step: Screw the father, lose the father, move on. Unfortunately for the singularly inaptly named Ms. Bright, child rearing is not so much about her needs, her desires, her fulfillment and her wish for motherhood as it is about her child's needs. Remember that child? The one you needed a man for, however temporarily?
If Ms. Bright would take a moment to peruse the research, she would find that mothers and fathers interact in significantly different ways with their children, providing love and care in a balanced, synergistic manner. The whole is more than the sum of the parts. One plus one equals three or more.
There's a phrase from a really old-fashioned book that sums up what will result from this kind of situation better than I ever could. Sorry for the old-fashioned language and lack of PC sensibility.
"The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the teeth of the children are set on edge."
-- John Koetsier

SALON | Nov. 6, 1997

R E C E N T L Y+| MANDELA'S BAD COMPANY BY TODD PITOCK

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_______________WHO NEEDS DAD? BY SUSIE BRIGHT (11/03/97)
	Apparently, as with everything else in our consumer society, fathers are now disposable. Or so says Susie Bright in her latest stunningly narcissistic piece. She states that she never wanted a husband or biological father for her children, and wants representation for the mothers who "don't give a shit" about providing their children with the same. As soon as she can find one child in the entire world who doesn't "give a shit" about his or her birth father, I'll concede her point. Until then, I'll take her article for what it is -- yet another manifestation of the infantile narcissism and consumerism of popular American culture. It seems that Bright considers the presence of a child's biological father to be simply a question of "lifestyle choice." Stated another way, marriages, and by extension fathers, are simply products that mothers may choose to consume or not to consume. A woman can never teach a child what it is to be a man, simply because she is not. An ever-shifting procession of male friends and lovers will never be an adequate substitute for a devoted, loving male parent. That most men have failed miserably in this role is beyond question. But the answer is not to presume the obsolescence of fatherhood. It is instead for men to look inside of themselves and ask the painful question, "What does it mean to be a man, a husband and a father in the 21st century?" The answer to that question might surprise all of us. -- Robert Arellano

	I am a 30-year-old single mother by choice. I am a teacher, own my own home, have a life full of great friends, and am the mother of a 22-month-old. I listen, on a daily basis, about how I ought to have a man in my life to be a father for my child. Many of my co-workers try to fix me up with men so that my daughter will have a "dad" in her life. Many times I have felt that I have done a big disservice to my daughter by not marrying her father. But most of the time I think the way Susie Bright does. There are plenty of people in my life who love my daughter and give her more than her biological father ever could. How right you are when I start worrying about my child "needing a father." It is me that needs a partner, not her, she doesn't know that she needs a father. -- Kristen Hamilton

	As usual, the illustrious woman who recommended keeping a vibrator plugged in by the bed has brought to mass media real honesty and bravery. I am 19 years old, the product of 19 years of unhappy marriage (15 of which I had to witness) and four years of fabulous growth via a single mom. It seems to me that single moms have more of a chance to concentrate on family, even more than married moms do with the best husband (or wife). Marriages take a lot of energy, especially messed-up marriages. But single moms get to have their cake and eat it too! Not to mention a little liberation can hardly be a bad thing. -- Laura Maschal

	I'll tell you who needs Dad: Kids need Dad. Sure, not every kid gets a dad, and sure, not every dad is up to the job. A lot of kids who have dads would be better off without the ones they have. A lot of moms have heroically raised their kids without the help of the kids' fathers. A surrogate, male or female, can often be an adequate substitute for a dad, and may be a far superior substitute for the actual father. All that is true. That doesn't change the fact that kids need dads, and they grow up sadder and with a lot more difficulty if they don't have a good one. But Susie Bright's article betrays a very troubling indifference toward the needs of children. She doesn't really seem concerned about whether or not kids need dads. She's too busy proclaiming that women don't need men, and putting down women who think they do. So women don't need men; so what? -- Jim Crutchfield Norfolk, Va.

	I did not have a "Daddy" growing up and was raised by a mother alone who worked at well-paying, white-collar, prestigious jobs. Because of my mother I attained two degrees from two different private universities, while the middle-class "nuclear" families who had such contempt for us as a single parent family are shoveling shit in Alabama. -- Jerry Sanders

	Susie Bright is setting her child/ren up for failure in her foolish quest for a brave new world of love and joy and happiness without commitment. Sure, the men in her life will father her child. Sure, her lovers will stick around and be there after their relationships with Susie go kaput. Relationships require trust. Trust takes time. Time means a commitment. How typical. Suddenly someone with, relatively speaking, about three weeks of child-raising experience knows exactly how it should be done; the way to mothering success, in one step: Screw the father, lose the father, move on. Unfortunately for the singularly inaptly named Ms. Bright, child rearing is not so much about her needs, her desires, her fulfillment and her wish for motherhood as it is about her child's needs. Remember that child? The one you needed a man for, however temporarily? If Ms. Bright would take a moment to peruse the research, she would find that mothers and fathers interact in significantly different ways with their children, providing love and care in a balanced, synergistic manner. The whole is more than the sum of the parts. One plus one equals three or more. There's a phrase from a really old-fashioned book that sums up what will result from this kind of situation better than I ever could. Sorry for the old-fashioned language and lack of PC sensibility. "The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the teeth of the children are set on edge." -- John Koetsier SALON \| Nov. 6, 1997