_______________FAMILY MYTHS, FAMILY REALITIES BY STEPHANIE COONTZ (12/23/97)

Thank you for running Stephanie Coontz's balanced and rational look at women's changing roles in American families. Too often, family and women's issues are covered by yet another talking head with an agenda, content only with setting up and knocking down a series of straw man arguments (or is it straw woman arguments?). American mothers, as Coontz points out, are the new scapegoats. Our children, family lives and marriages are supposed to be perfect. If they're not, it's all our fault. We're criticized for being bad mothers if we go back to work while our children are young, and we're criticized for wasting our expensive educations if we stay at home. We're criticized for being materialistic greed-heads if we work, and we're criticized for jeopardizing our family's economic stability if we stay at home. We're criticized for wanting to control our own fertility by groups that are against abortion and contraception, and we're criticized for not wanting to control our own fertility by zero population growth activists! We're criticized for being too quick to divorce, and we're criticized for trying "for too long" to patch up abusive marriages. Not to mention that virtually all mothers -- stay at home AND working -- are being criticized for not raising their children properly. Poor mothers are criticized for going on welfare to support their children. They are praised for putting their kids in day care and working long hours with minimal pay (usually with long commutes due to this country's lousy public transportation system). At the same time, non-poor mothers are criticized for putting their kids in day care and working "when they don't need to." They are praised for giving up their careers. Both groups -- mothers on welfare and mothers who work -- are accused of destroying the American family. Sadly, I don't see any signs that these nasty double standards are going to disappear. Pundits still trumpet a single cookie-cutter solution for all families, while ignoring the fact that each family's situation is different. The politicians who bray about "family values" the loudest are the ones who are most reluctant to do anything that might actually help American families deal with the realities of modern life. Many men pay lip service to getting more involved with their families, but never act on it. Companies claim to offer family-friendly workplaces, yet penalize men and women who actually want to use the policies that are on the books. Men and women who place a higher priority on spending time with their families than spending "face time" at the office are also penalized by our workaholic corporations. And unfortunately, we women are our own worst enemies. We all agree that our children's health, intellectual and emotional development, safety and security come first. Yet instead of looking for common ground, we tear each other to pieces because we have different ideas about how to do our best for our kids! Is it any wonder that mothers are the most stressed-out people in America? -- Nancy Ott SALON | Dec. 24, 1997

R E C E N T L Y+| WERE THE '60S A FRAUD? BY GARY KAMIYA

If you'd like to submit a letter to the editor for publication,
please e-mail us at salon@salonmagazine.com.
Letters may be edited for clarity and conciseness.
If you do not wish the letter to be published, please say so.