Salon | Letters to the editor

_______________ FEAR OF FLYING WITH CHILDREN BY CHITRA DIVAKARUNI (01/05/98)

Chitra Divakaruni's parenting ideas, as expressed in her articles for Salon, are claptrap.
Ms. Divakaruni appears to be one of the new breed of parents who believe that it's "disrespectful" to teach kids how to act appropriately in public, or to display good manners and concern for others.
In the "Fear of flying" article, she scorns the man who insisted her child stop kicking the back of his airline seat. She goes on to complain that she's had to turn down invitations to parties because her children weren't welcome. And in an earlier essay, she wonders why her kids need to feign gratitude for gifts they don't like.
The following observations will be obvious to everyone -- except, perhaps, for Ms. Divakaruni and others who may well consider them to be repressive choke holds on their children's spirits.

Children have no inherent right to annoy others, as Ms. Divakaruni's son did when he kicked the businessman's seat.
Children have no right to make a ruckus in places such as movie theaters, as the two preschoolers did the other night at our local art-house venue. Their parents took them to see "The Ice Storm" (!), then sat placidly while fellow patrons made hushing noises at the bored, babbling tots. Finally, the manager had to intervene.
And children must learn to show respect and concern for others, even if it sometimes means telling a little lie when Aunt Betty gives you a particularly lame birthday present.

If Ms. Divakaruni's kids are as obnoxious as she described them in her "Flying" piece, I feel sorry for anyone who must endure their presence. But I feel more sorry for her kids. If their mom habitually ignores, laughs off or excuses their rudeness and inappropriate behavior, what kind of adults will they become?
-- Mark Carlson
Perhaps the man was rude in the manner he phrased his request for Ms. Divakaruni's child to stop kicking his seat, but his request was NOT unreasonable. Why should children be present at every experience life has to offer? What about the feeling of others, many of whom have left their children behind? Specifically, I'm thinking of a very expensive gift of theater tickets I was given for my birthday when I didn't hear a line of dialogue throughout the performance and only the off-key warbling of the 3-year-old seated to the rear of me whenever the orchestra struck up. My $200-plus experience was ruined and I didn't even have the option of going another evening to find out what I missed as I was leaving New York the next day. As Ms. Divakaruni stated, children "behaved like children usually do," and that behavior can be annoying to those of us without children, who are only endeavoring to enjoy themselves and are kept from doing this because some kid insists on screaming!
Now I realize that the parents of the little tyke paid just as much for their tickets as I, more, in fact, due to their larger party, but was my wanting to hear the actors too much to ask? Is it unreasonable to ask parents to forgo some types of entertainment during the years when their children are too small to consistently act in a socially acceptable manner? I don't think so. If the person behind me at the theater had been a drunken adult instead of a small child and had behaved in the same way, the ushers would have kicked him/her out of the audience quickly. Because it was a child doing it, I and all of the others sitting near were expected to grin and bear it.
-- Cassia Van Arsdale
Pittsburgh, Pa.
Chitra Divakaruni does not provide a good example of mothers who think.
To spend "years of savings" on international business-class tickets for children aged 2 and 4 (still small enough to settle comfortably in a coach class seat and way too young to remember the experience) is stupid enough, but to expect other business-class passengers to support her decision strikes me as, well, extra stupid. The whole point of business class is to afford harried travelers some level of tranquillity -- in that environment, young children can ONLY be seen as interlopers.
In regard to the man who asked her not to allow the children to kick his seat, Ms. Divakaruni doesn't mention whether or not they had already kicked it, but I can understand his addressing the matter prophylactically, since one can reasonably assume that a mother insensitive enough to subject business-class passengers to her kids might also be oblivious to their behavior during the flight. One might consider his sneer uncivil, but at the same time, the man seems to have succeeded in keeping the mother mindful of her children's actions. And maybe, also, he discouraged her from doing something that dumb in the future.
-- Tim Alevizos
SALON | Jan. 21, 1998

R E C E N T L Y+| YUCKY WOODY BY ANDREW O'HEHIR

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_______________ FEAR OF FLYING WITH CHILDREN BY CHITRA DIVAKARUNI (01/05/98)
	Chitra Divakaruni's parenting ideas, as expressed in her articles for Salon, are claptrap. Ms. Divakaruni appears to be one of the new breed of parents who believe that it's "disrespectful" to teach kids how to act appropriately in public, or to display good manners and concern for others. In the "Fear of flying" article, she scorns the man who insisted her child stop kicking the back of his airline seat. She goes on to complain that she's had to turn down invitations to parties because her children weren't welcome. And in an earlier essay, she wonders why her kids need to feign gratitude for gifts they don't like. The following observations will be obvious to everyone -- except, perhaps, for Ms. Divakaruni and others who may well consider them to be repressive choke holds on their children's spirits. Children have no inherent right to annoy others, as Ms. Divakaruni's son did when he kicked the businessman's seat. Children have no right to make a ruckus in places such as movie theaters, as the two preschoolers did the other night at our local art-house venue. Their parents took them to see "The Ice Storm" (!), then sat placidly while fellow patrons made hushing noises at the bored, babbling tots. Finally, the manager had to intervene. And children must learn to show respect and concern for others, even if it sometimes means telling a little lie when Aunt Betty gives you a particularly lame birthday present. If Ms. Divakaruni's kids are as obnoxious as she described them in her "Flying" piece, I feel sorry for anyone who must endure their presence. But I feel more sorry for her kids. If their mom habitually ignores, laughs off or excuses their rudeness and inappropriate behavior, what kind of adults will they become? -- Mark Carlson Perhaps the man was rude in the manner he phrased his request for Ms. Divakaruni's child to stop kicking his seat, but his request was NOT unreasonable. Why should children be present at every experience life has to offer? What about the feeling of others, many of whom have left their children behind? Specifically, I'm thinking of a very expensive gift of theater tickets I was given for my birthday when I didn't hear a line of dialogue throughout the performance and only the off-key warbling of the 3-year-old seated to the rear of me whenever the orchestra struck up. My $200-plus experience was ruined and I didn't even have the option of going another evening to find out what I missed as I was leaving New York the next day. As Ms. Divakaruni stated, children "behaved like children usually do," and that behavior can be annoying to those of us without children, who are only endeavoring to enjoy themselves and are kept from doing this because some kid insists on screaming! Now I realize that the parents of the little tyke paid just as much for their tickets as I, more, in fact, due to their larger party, but was my wanting to hear the actors too much to ask? Is it unreasonable to ask parents to forgo some types of entertainment during the years when their children are too small to consistently act in a socially acceptable manner? I don't think so. If the person behind me at the theater had been a drunken adult instead of a small child and had behaved in the same way, the ushers would have kicked him/her out of the audience quickly. Because it was a child doing it, I and all of the others sitting near were expected to grin and bear it. -- Cassia Van Arsdale Pittsburgh, Pa. Chitra Divakaruni does not provide a good example of mothers who think. To spend "years of savings" on international business-class tickets for children aged 2 and 4 (still small enough to settle comfortably in a coach class seat and way too young to remember the experience) is stupid enough, but to expect other business-class passengers to support her decision strikes me as, well, extra stupid. The whole point of business class is to afford harried travelers some level of tranquillity -- in that environment, young children can ONLY be seen as interlopers. In regard to the man who asked her not to allow the children to kick his seat, Ms. Divakaruni doesn't mention whether or not they had already kicked it, but I can understand his addressing the matter prophylactically, since one can reasonably assume that a mother insensitive enough to subject business-class passengers to her kids might also be oblivious to their behavior during the flight. One might consider his sneer uncivil, but at the same time, the man seems to have succeeded in keeping the mother mindful of her children's actions. And maybe, also, he discouraged her from doing something that dumb in the future. -- Tim Alevizos SALON \| Jan. 21, 1998