Perhaps the one surprise left in the ongoing, slow motion, almost guaranteed to end in divorce court disaster that is the Tiger Woods scandal is that it's taken this long to turn it into a porn movie. Maybe it's because this story came with porn stars pre-installed.
While Holly Sampson revealed recently that her own adult version of the Tiger tale is "in the works," Adam & Eve Pictures are already on the job with an"official" porn parody, under the inevitable title "Tiger's Wood."
That's right, pornography is at last going to explore the issue of black men getting it on with well-endowed blondes. Adult star Tyler Knight, who's playing the title role, is currently merrily tweeting his updates from the set. And Kayden Kross, who's playing the Elin role, self-deprecatingly describes herself as "adding yet another blond pantyless spray tanned breakdown to the list." Potentially kookiest aspect of the whole thing? There's a buttoned-up Gloria Allred character -- though no word yet on whether she'll be on the receiving end of what the film refers to as his "long drive." All we do know is that at the rate Woods's conquests are coming forward, this thing had better have a cast of thousands.
Below, our beloved Sarah Haskins recaps the lessons in womanhood offered by advertisers in 2009, and explains how to "make yourself a better lady in 2010." First step: "Stop asking dumb questions like, 'Is Congress using us as a pawn in the healthcare debate?' and start asking, 'Are my boobs jealous of my butt?"
Whoever said money can't buy happiness must have been talking about men, people. Watch and learn.
A year and a half after her approval rating hit a low of 44 percent, Michelle Obama is now enjoying the "overall favorable" opinion of many more Americans -- 68 percent, according to a recent Marist College Institute for Public Opinion poll. Even 67 percent of Republican women gave the first lady a thumbs-up in an April Pew poll. Lynn Sweet at Politics Daily says the reason for the change is clear: "She has done this by framing herself as a wife, mother, daughter and sister, not trying to redefine the role of first lady, limiting interviews and staying militantly noncontroversial. "
It's not like this analysis comes as a surprise, but seeing it all spelled out -- with the implication that it's a brilliant strategy future first ladies would do well to take note of -- was a kick in the gut nonetheless. Consider: "Mrs. Obama has become a fashion plate, a mom who attends the soccer and basketball games of daughters Malia and Sasha, a woman who works on her tennis game, and an executive who presides over a staff of around two dozen in the East Wing" -- but don't get excited about that last part, because the staff is there to "help her execute her limited, but safe agenda." Also: "The only new ground Mrs. Obama has broken has been her wildly successful White House kitchen garden." And then there's this approving quote from presidential historian Douglas Brinkley: "She hasn't gone the Hillary Clinton or Eleanor Roosevelt route of becoming a shrill policy advocate." Yes, he said "shrill." But thankfully, Michelle and her two ivy league degrees and decades of professional experience are not! They are far too busy planting vegetables and delivering toys to needy children and working on their tennis game to go shrilly meddling in manly business.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that people love Michelle now; it's a lot better than the alternative. And I understand that the combination of racism, sexism and widespread hatred of all things vaguely liberal leave her little choice but to fly under the radar as much as possible, lest she become a disproportionate distraction. But the more I see this narrative recycled -- Michelle is so smart for recasting herself as non-threatening, maternal and basically empty-headed! -- the more I toggle between anger and despair. What's left out is that she was forced to work overtime establishing herself as a caricature of traditional femininity because when she acted like herself, too many people missed the obvious: that she never was threatening, that she always had an apparently wonderful relationship with her daughters -- cultivated while her husband was constantly traveling to build his political career -- and that her brains were a major asset to the whole family. Also left out: How she feels about being at the mercy of image consultants who apparently decided there was nothing wrong with her that a belted cardigan and a lobotomy wouldn't fix.
"Happy Mrs. Obama should be," writes Sweet, based entirely on those approval numbers. And maybe she is, even. But I can't read a story like this without thinking back to the New York Times magazine profile of the first marriage, in which Jodi Kantor asks both Obamas "how any couple can have a truly equal partnership when one member is president." The president hems and haws, then jokes that "My staff worries a lot more about what the first lady thinks than they worry about what I think." But Michelle doesn't settle for blowing off the question. "Clearly Barack's career decisions are leading us," she says. "They're not mine; that's obvious. I'm married to the president of the United States. I don't have another job, and it would be problematic in this role. So that -- you can't even measure that."
He's running the free world, she's co-starring in public service announcements with Elmo. And time and again, as her image becomes more traditionally feminine and toothless, we're told not only that this is a turn of events worth celebrating, but that she should be applauded for recognizing the danger of stating an opinion more controversial than "Exercise is good for you." The primary evidence of her intelligence and political savvy is that she now knows better than to offer any evidence of her intelligence and political savvy -- and the more she behaves in a relentlessy ladylike and "militantly non-controversial" manner, the more she's lauded as an excellent role model for young girls. Fantastic.
If a pollster called me right now, I would count myself among those with an overall favorable impression of the first lady, but it's not because of how she's changed -- it's because I hope that secretly, she hasn't. It's because I hope this Donna Reed veneer is artificial and temporary, that she's just riding out the presidency without making waves, so she can say, "Now it's my turn" when it's over. It's entirely possible that I'm wrong about that and projecting way too much onto a woman I will never know. But since that's all any of us are really doing, I like my version a lot better than the one that's made her so uncontroversially adored.
The "you don't fuck with Rihanna" world domination campaign continues apace. In the superstar/domestic violence survivor's new video for "Hard," which debuted Thursdaay evening, she commandeers an all-male army that looks ready to deploy to "Project Runway," blows stuff up, and straddles a pink tank. In a Minnie Mouse-eared helmet. And in a clip chock full of arresting imagery, the must-see moment comes after the two minute mark, when she sings, "Hope that ain't all you got" and forms her thumb and forefinger into the devastating, universally understood "tiny penis" gesture. That's our girl – the one who last week got a brand new tattoo that reads, "Never a failure, always a lesson" because, she says, "It's okay to make a mistake, just don't make them twice." She's tough, feminine, kind of nuts, and utterly unafraid -- no wonder, as she sings it herself, "the Rihanna reign just won't let up."
When I heard Wednesday that Sen. Charles Schumer had called a flight attendant a "bitch" under his breath, my response was to figuratively shrug my shoulders. I couldn't even muster so much as a literal shrug. It's not that I thought it appropriate for Schumer to call the flight attendant a "bitch" for asking him to simply comply with federal law like everyone else on the plane and turn off his cellphone; nor did I think it was a particularly pleasant comment for his female colleague and seat mate, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, to overhear. Still, I felt rather "meh" about it.
Then the feminist guilt started to set in. Even the National Republican Senatorial Committee had come out of the woodwork to demand that Gillibrand and women's rights organizations stand up "for women in the workplace" and admonish Schumer. Was I being a hypocrite? Would I have had the same apathetic response to a Republican bad mouthing a flight attendant with a sexist slur? Had I been so completely sucked into the feminist appropriation of the word that I'd completely forgotten why the word needed to be reclaimed in the first place?
I was mulling all of this on my lunch break today, when I walked by a homeless man blitzed out of his mind who flashed me a lecherous grin. When I didn't respond in kind, he hurled a choice word at me, and I bet you can guess just what it was: "Bitch," he snarled. Then he added, "I'll piss on you." Well, okay, then. That right there is why I'm desensitized to the word -- if I wasn't, I would be crying in a bathroom stall right now instead of writing this post. In fact, if I hadn't been anesthetized to the word "bitch" quite a long time ago, I'd hardly be able to leave my house alone.
So, the reason this feminist isn't frothing at the mouth over Schumer's brutish behavior isn't because he's a Democrat, but because it's all too numbingly familiar.
In 1999, Time magazine changed its "Man of the Year" title to "Person of the Year," but the linguistic switch had no apparent effect on the magazine's long and rarely interrupted stretch of honoring male persons at year's end. In fact, there hasn't been a stand-alone female honoree since Corazon Aquino was "Man of the Year" in 1986. "The Whistleblowers" of 2002 featured three women; 2003's winner was "The American soldier"; and Melinda Gates was one of 2005's "Good Samaritans," along with her husband and Bono. Oh, and I suppose female persons share in the 2006 "We couldn't really think of anybody this year" award. (They literally covered every woman who saw the cover with that one! What am I complaining about?) But Jeff Bezos, George W. Bush, Rudy Giuliani, Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama and, as of yesterday, Ben Bernanke have all earned solo "Person of the Year" covers since the language was changed -- as have Mikhail Gorbachev and Bill Clinton (twice each), George H.W. Bush, Ted Turner, Pope John Paul II, Newt Gingrich, David Ho, Andy Grove and Kenneth freakin' Starr, since Aquino's win. I am detecting a pattern.
As Rachael Larimore said at Double X, it's not like there's "a burning need for affirmative action in the meaningless-year-ending-attention-grabbing awards department. I don't care who Time picks. (And, believe me, I'm not sad it wasn't Nancy Pelosi this year.) But if Time is so uncomfortable with itself because its 'Carbon-Based Life Form of the Year' award comes across as sexist, it should, you know, give the honor to a woman once in a while." Time did award Pelosi runner-up status for 2009, but like Larimore, we knew there were even better candidates going ignored. "If ladybloggers were in charge," we asked ourselves, "who would be the Female Person of the Year?" And then we set about answering that question.
Four women tied for the most nominations (three each) in a highly scientific poll of noted women writers who responded promptly to my e-mail. "I know it's an obvious answer, but I must vote for Hillary Clinton," said Double X's Jessica Grose. "She's just done a fantastic job as Secretary of State. She hasn't showboated, she's just put her head down and worked -- without compromising any of her core beliefs. No wonder her approval rating is soaring. Also, I think Americans don't put enough stock in being able to handle defeat gracefully. It's all about the winners. Clinton lost the election and yet has become the consummate team player." Shakesville's Melissa McEwan added, "she gave us a hell of a gander at what a feminist looks like during her first year in President Obama's cabinet, whether it was delivering some major pwnage on reproductive rights or speaking out against sexual and gender-based violence while doing a little globetrotting awareness-raising. She also showed what it looks like to keep a campaign promise, by making good on her vow to make global gay rights an active 'part of American foreign policy,' in response to proposed legislation in Uganda to make homosexuality a crime punishable by death." "The Curse of the Good Girl" author Rachel Simmons also called Clinton the "duh" answer, but Bitch Ph.D's M. LeBlanc countered, "Duh! It's fucking Sonia Sotomayor. Obviously" -- a sentiment reinforced by Veronica I. Arreola, director of Women in Science and Engineering at University of Illinois at Chicago (and Viva la Feminista owner) and Pamela Merritt, the Angry Black Bitch.
Jessica Valenti of Feministing went with yet a third "duh": "Um, Maddow. That is all," and her colleague Ann Friedman elaborated, "Over the past year, Rachel Maddow has proved that there is still an audience for substantive television. She balances a serious news-anchor persona with a friendly and down-to-earth off-camera image. Plus, she manages to be openly and proudly gay, but not defined by her sexuality. It's a feat far too few people have managed to pull off. She is truly a journalist for the Obama era." Friedman was also among the three who named Neda Agha-Soltan -- "the young Iranian woman who died on YouTube a million times over," in Simmons' words -- as a contender for woman of the year. In fact, she expanded that nomination to encompass all "Iranian Women Activists. Yes, that includes Neda Agha-Soltan -- but is certainly not limited to her. When Iranians rose up to demand democracy and rights in June, women led the charge. And they paid the price -- the government is cracking down on women's rights organizers now more than ever. I know this isn't a stand-alone woman nomination, but -- despite the attention Neda garnered -- this just goes to show that sometimes women can't stand alone. We are more effective when we fight together."
Two women who changed the American pop culture landscape in 2009 garnered two nominations apiece. Women and Hollywood's Melissa Silverstein and Tiger Beatdown's Sady Doyle both picked "The Hurt Locker" director Kathryn Bigelow, for, in Doyle's words, "making a really great movie, blasting down stereotypes about which movies women can and cannot direct, and presenting us with a future in which a woman, FINALLY, might win a Best Director Oscar. For an action movie!" Doyle also suggested Lady Gaga, "for winning over all haters, claiming her feminism, being perhaps the only non-runway model in the history of the world to successfully wear those terrifying lobster-looking McQueen heels, and turning pop music into a venue for a funny, fun, powerful, daring expression of female sexuality that doesn't just recycle the same handful of boring old sexy-virgin tropes." Friedman adds, "Rah rah ah ah ah roma romama gaga ooh lala. Duh." (To recap: We are now at four wildly different nominees who have earned a "Duh.") Silverstein gave an additional nod to Meryl Streep, "for making 60 look fantastic on the screen," and Salon's Sarah Hepola offered a love letter to "Twilight's" Kristen Stewart: "She may be famous for playing an irritating heroine -- hey, even she makes fun of "Twilight"! -- but at 19 years old, she's on the cover of every tabloid, starring in the biggest movie so far this year, and has rammed a stake into a boring rut of bubbly, gleamy-toothed teen queens like the (I'm sure she's lovely) Vanessa Hudgens and the (does a lot for charity) Hayden Panettierre. Kristen Stewart is smart, talented, dark, slightly pained by gobs of attention and hugely successful. She's playing Joan Jett, OK? I don't give a damn about her bad reputation."
Friedman wasn't the only one to violate the "stand-alone" rule. Arreola's second choice was "The Nobel Prize winning women, especially the women who won the Nobel in Medicine. When I heard that Elizabeth H. Blackburn and Carol W. Greider had been awarded the Nobel Prize and that Greider had been Blackburn's graduate assistant, I immediately sent it out to my students. The win is not just a win for women but also a win for mentoring." And after acknowledging that Sonia Sotomayor was the first name to spring to mind, Merritt added, "But there is a huge part of me that thinks the woman of the year is the re-awakened feminist -- the women who pulled together in coalition to protest Stupak and defeat Nelson, the women who are now organized to demand reproductive justice in a way that has never happened before."
Simmons had two other picks, "The retroactive: Claudette Colvin, the woman who was the 'real Rosa Parks' but who has lived her life in anonymity even though she was the first to refuse to move to the back of the bus. An award-winning children's book was published about her this year" and "The slightly undeserved but so was Barack's Nobel: Michelle Obama." Lesley Kinzel of Fatshionista suggested breakout star Gabourey Sidibe, who's consistently charmed audiences in interviews just as much as she moved them in "Precious." M. LeBlanc and The Frisky's Jessica Wakeman agreed with Time that Nancy Pelosi deserved a nod; said LeBlanc, "The house has passed all manner of incredible legislation this year." Most of my selections have been mentioned at least once, but I'll throw two more into the mix: Laura Ling and Euna Lee, the journalists who, while reporting on trafficking of women along the North Korean border, accidentally crossed it themselves and spent nearly five months in prison there.
Who, then, is Broadsheet's official pick for Female Person of the Year? None of them. Which is to say, all of them -- and undoubtedly many more we and our prompt responders didn't immediately think of. (If more responses come in, I'll update the post throughout the day.) But we can agree on one thing: as Friedman put it, "these are my Person of the Year nominations," not just women of the year. Too bad Time didn't consult us.
Updates: Nona Willis Aronowitz, co-author of "Girldrive," checked in to say, "I second Rachel Maddow and Sonia Sotomayor, but I'd also like to give a nod to Sarah Palin, solely for providing a platform for feminist writers and activists everywhere to call out exactly what's wrong with the GOP's opportunistic, hypocritical co-opting of feminism. (I guess that's 2008, too, but her memoir just drove the nail in deeper.)" Dodai Stewart of Jezebel made a similarly contrarian choice: "Most of my picks -- HRC, Lady Gaga -- are in there, but instead of Kristen Stewart, I'd say Stephenie Meyer -- I don't think the "Twilight" books are very well written, but she had the ability to energize a huge fanbase and get girls and moms reading and going to the movies. We haven't seen that since, well, J.K. Rowling, ha!"
Finally, two other nominations came in via Twitter and Facebook: Canadian activist Muriel Duckworth, who passed away in August, and Elouise Cobell, lead plaintiff in a suit against the U.S. federal government for mismanagement of the Individual Indian Trust. After 13 years of litigation, the suit was finally settled this month, and according to Mother Jones, although Cobell says "Indians did not receive the full financial Settlement they deserved," what they did receive is "believed to be the largest ever against the federal government and dwarfs the combined value of all judgments and settlements of all Indian cases since the founding of this nation."
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