TODAY

Drama Queen candidates
Bad mamas

Contestant No. 1
Contestant No. 2
Contestant No. 3

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TABLE TALK

Public vs. private schools: Does it make a difference in the end? Discuss education choices in the Mothers area of Table Talk

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ARCHIVES

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Mamafesto
By Camille Peri
Why it's time
for Mothers Who Think

[ CONTESTANT No. 1 ]

ATTACK OF THE SUPERBABE
By R.F. Missus
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I had the youngest mom of all my friends. This really worked to my advantage as a youngster because she was easygoing, let me be dirty when I felt like it and allowed me to make my own decisions about things the older moms automatically decided for their children. For instance, Girl Scouts was optional. When I did go out for the Scouts, it was basically for the cookies. I fondly recall the evenings we shared on the back porch -- me eating a big bag of chips, she reading the paper and drinking some cheap wine while contemplating whether or not she should prepare dinner. No way would an older mom allow her kids to spoil their appetites like that. All in all, I was pretty happy with my youthful mom.

Then I hit puberty and all hell broke loose. I wanted to wear her clothes, which caused many problems because they were never clean for her. I talked on the phone all day and night so she could never make any plans of her own. I refused to take out the garbage on garbage night, or rather, "forgot" to do it. You know, the normal teenage stuff. So perhaps it was retaliation that inspired the demon rival she morphed into for the next few years. Just as I started to develop into a curvaceous young thing, she became SuperBabe, pushing the role of mother far, far away. She started acting like we were just friends instead of mother/daughter. She began spending the night at her young boyfriend's house. He even rode a motorcycle -- the perfect man to drive her through her rebellion. In an attempt to win me over, this guy offered to buy me my own moped if I promised to learn how to change the oil and fix it if it broke down. Why would I, as a lazy 14-year-old, want to get that grimy?

You may be wondering, why was this so bad? It wasn't at first. I got to have parties because she was hardly ever around. I could have boys over much later than before. I even took the car out and rode my friends around town. But then basic things started to deteriorate. Grocery shopping was not high on the list of priorities of a SuperBabe, so there wasn't a whole lot to eat in the house. The house was not in the best shape either, because she didn't spend much time there anymore.

When she and the biker broke up, things really hit bottom for me. She dated a string of men who were just barely men -- college-age guys who I was almost old enough to date. And the worst thing was when she tried to set me up with one of them. Like I wanted mom's leftovers!

She coyly said to me one evening, "So what do you think of John?"

Not fully understanding the scope of the question and wanting to end this kind of conversation as quickly as possible, I replied, "Oh, I like him. He's a nice guy."

"But do you 'like him' like him?"

"HUH?" I said. Still shocked, I stammered, "Well, um, isn't he, isn't he, aren't you ..."

"What? Oh heavens no! No we ... well, he asked about you the other day. He wants to go out with you. He's really cute, don't you think?"

The image of the two of them discussing me over an intimate dinner made my stomach turn. What kind of mother fixes you up with one of her exes? He wasn't that cute anyway.

This phase eventually blew over. She's become a grown-up like the rest of the moms and even drives a respectable car. Her hair is miraculously still brown. Now she is enjoying giving me motherly advice on the impending birth of my first child. However, she is adamant about not being called "Grandma."
SALON | June 10, 1998

Contestant No. 1 | Contestant No. 2 | Contestant No. 3 | Vote now!