T O D A Y

Drama Queen candidates:
Diets of doom

Contestant No. 1
Contestant No. 2
Contestant No. 3

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TABLE TALK

Share home birthing tales and experiences in the Mothers Who Think discussion area of Table Talk

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R E C E N T L Y

Breaking the surface
By Anne Lamott
I think you should get to have your true authentic healed whole self and buns of steel, but redemption just doesn't work that way
(04/01/99)

This sorcery isn't just for kids
By Charles Taylor
"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone," like all great escapist reading, takes you happily back to where you already were
(03/31/99)

Of magic and single motherhood
By Margaret Weir
An interview with "Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling
(03/31/99)

Conned by a Jewish mother
By Inda Schaenen
I thought if I cooked like Molly Goldberg, I could land myself and my family in her warm, loving, safe world
(03/30/99)

One big dysfunctional family
By Fiona Morgan
Former cult member can laugh about it now
(03/29/99)

ARCHIVES

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Mamafesto
By Camille Peri
Why it's time
for Mothers Who Think

Ode to hard-burned wisdom
BY JANE JOHNSON

Before I reached
the age of three,
my formula was made
with milk fat-free.

When I took
my lunches at school,
they were small,
dinky and cruel.

I was still seen
as a chubby gal,
so before I was 12
I was drinking "Metra Cal."

Amphetamines
were then prescribed.
Ants crawled under my skin
until I cried.

I could go to the doctor
and demand, "no pills,"
but he would call them vitamins
and wire me up still.

Eating all protein
would work, I'd find.
So I ate meat and for crunch,
good old fried pork rinds.

No carbo at all
would do the trick.
Did you know "Cool Whip"
has no milk in it?

Eat no carbs
and plenty of meat
your breath starts to smell
just like your feet.

I went to college
and in the dorm
I learned that "binge-purge"
was the norm.

In my twenties,
I ate fresh fruits.
Eaten in a certain order,
they sure make you toot!

Weight Watchers, TOPS,
Overeaters Anonymous
Then I found creeps lurk in the
group to pounce on us.

At thirty I needed surgery,
so on a dare,
I said to the doc, "staple it
while you're in there."

I had a stomach
the size of a cap.
I sure lost weight
but had skin like a map.

Hanging all loose,
flabby and wrinkled,
I flapped in the wind and
with lots of crinkles.

I hated my body.
Needed a girdle more than ever.
Liars said if I lost
I'd be happy ever after!

Optifast, NutriSystem
I've tried them all.
I've eaten fat free
and tried diets plans all.

You can't judge me.
I'm not lazy.
I've had 50 years
of being driven crazy!

I will enjoy the rest of my time
with pleasure and ease.
Go ahead and suffer,
but I'll eat as I please.

My hips are wide,
and so is my smile at last.
Ben and Jerry are pals.
My days of dieting are past.
SALON | April 2, 1999

Contestant No. 1 | Contestant No. 2 | Contestant No. 3