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T O D A Y

Boyfriend in a box
He's handsome, faithful, rich and recyclable

Self-indulgent stocking stuffers
Who else would think to give you gifts like these?

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T A B L E++T A L K

BECAUSE YOU'RE WORTH IT.
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BY LORI LEIBOVICH | 'Tis the season to be jolly, unless you're somebody's wife, mother, girlfriend, daughter, daughter-in-law, grandmother, sister or aunt. Then 'tis the season for you to be the jolly designated shopper, the overburdened Ms. Claus who trudges from store to store trying your darndest to make everyone's season bright. But what about you? Is anybody devoting that much time to finding you the kinds of cool gifts you're always buying other people? No. Here are a couple more sumptuous gift ideas to bring home with your Boyfriend-In-A-Box.

The Devil's candy

Remember when women ate chocolate with abandon? When they savored the rich nectar, reveled in its endorphin-massaging goodness without giving a hoot about calories or fat? Neither do I. But the folks at Kitchen Sink Press in Northampton, Mass., realize there is a time, a place and a need for chocolate in any self-respecting female's life -- and in her Christmas stocking. The Devil Girl Choco-Bar is a no-guilt affair, simply because its sinfulness is spelled right out. The winking, diabolical-looking R. Crumb comic heroine on the wrapper screams, "Eat me!" and the label plainly reads, "It's bad for you!" On the back, some of the evils of the creamy creation are laid bare, including "quick, cheap buzz," "bad for your health," "leads to hard drugs" and "made by sleazy businessmen." Gobble down the 2.25 ounces of pure milk chocolate, lick your lips and get on with your life. To order, call (800) 365-7465.

Talk dirty to me, baby -- en Español

With all your free time this holiday season, why not take up a new language? If that sounds too daunting, how about learning only some of its steamiest phrases? "Spanish For Adults Only" is a set of three sizzling audio tapes that promise to "have you talking dirty like a native in no time." If the sprightly Salsa music at the beginning doesn't put you in the mood, then the voices of native speakers prompting you to say things like "She gave me a French kiss in front of her boyfriend" and "He wanted to screw me at his parents' house" will. The tapes are conveniently organized into 13 categories including "heavy petting," "the rear end" and "womanizers, sluts and prostitutes." While the tapes are hilariously racy, they have one big flaw: They are narrated by a nasal-voiced man, rather than, say, a dusty-voiced seductress. The producers promise that the tapes offer "sexual slang as it is actually spoken in the bedrooms, locker rooms and beauty salons of the Spanish-speaking world" and suggest that even if you find the content offensive, listening to them is crucial for anyone looking to gain a true mastery of the language. To order call Bacchus Learning Tools at (415) 386-8542.

-- Lori Leibovich
SALON | Dec. 5, 1997