D R A M A++Q U E E N

What's the sleaziest thing you've ever done? Come clean in Drama Queen for a Day
(04/14/98)

T A B L E++T A L K

TV and kids: How much is too much? Share your thoughts in the Mothers area of Table Talk

R E C E N T L Y

Can you hold? I've got sobbing on Line 2
By Susan McCarthy
Working at home means trying to sound professional on the phone while your kids yell, "You big sucky poophead!" in the background
(04/14/98)

Boys without men
By Celeste Fremon
When a middle-class mom needs fatherly advice for her son, she turns to a gang member named Crazy Ace
(04/13/98)

Peep show
By Kate Moses
A passion for Peeps led to my loss of innocence
(04/10/98)

Not waiting to inhale
By Dawn MacKeen
Joycelyn Elders on why teens are going up in smoke
(04/09/98)

The water lilies look splotchy up close
By Polly Shulman
The artist is the hero in these sensuous children's books
(04/07/98)

BROWSE THE MOTHERS WHO THINK ARCHIVES

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Mamafesto
By Camille Peri
Why it's time
for Mothers Who Think

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_________________For more than six years, Kim Kluger-Bell tried to have a second child. After six in vitro fertilization failures and two ectopic pregnancies that ruptured her fallopian tubes, she gave up. But the grief she was feeling wouldn't go away. She combed bookstores for resources to help her cope, but found none. She took this to mean that her grief was abnormal, that pregnancy losses must be minor events, that grieving them bordered on the pathological.

In fact, pregnancy losses are not uncommon. According to a 1996 U.S. Census Bureau study, every year, 20 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, and 25 percent end in abortion. That's a lot of potential grief.

Kluger-Bell was determined to write the book she hadn't been able to find so other women wouldn't find themselves in the same quandary. A psychotherapist, she spent a year interviewing patients, colleagues and friends who had experienced pregnancy loss of all kinds -- from ectopic pregnancies and failed in vitro fertilization attempts to miscarriages, stillbirths and abortions. Her new book, "Unspeakable Losses," pierces the silence surrounding the emotional fallout from pregnancy loss and abortion. Kluger-Bell spoke with Salon in her office in Berkeley, Calif.

Why do people tend to gloss over pregnancy losses?

Pregnancy loss, by its nature, is very intangible. It's not the loss of a known person. That makes it more difficult to define and therefore talk about. We also have so much controversy right now around abortion, and there's a real reluctance to talk about the grief that can accompany abortion.

Is there a difference in how a person grieves if they've had an abortion or miscarriage?

There is a difference. In abortion, the loss is chosen, and that often adds an extra layer of guilt for people to emotionally resolve. But I haven't seen any difference in the intensity of the grieving between the two. Especially in the case of genetic abortion or multi-fetal reduction, where people choose to abort a wanted child. People are often very torn about the decision.

In your book, you encourage people to make their losses more tangible.

It's a critical part of beginning the grieving process. I like to ask my clients to recall the fantasies they had about this particular baby. For example, did they think they were going to have a boy or a girl, and what did they think life was going to be like with this particular child?

But it's often painful and difficult for people to remember these things. And often people don't want to remember. But once they are able to get in touch with that, they are likely to be very relieved afterward. People need reassurance that it's possible to get through grief. That there's an end to it.

How do people begin to grieve?

The first step is to become conscious of the fantasy you had about the child you lost. I also recommend, especially in the case of early losses, that people make something to focus on, like the Jizo figure in Japanese culture.

Which is what?

The Jizo is a Japanese Buddhist deity -- a guardian of children from this world to the next. In the past, Jizos were used only for children who died shortly after birth and those who had been miscarried. But since World War II, the Japanese have had a huge increase in abortions and they have adapted this old tradition to accommodate their new needs.

Parents set up little Jizo statues in their homes or temples and visit them on a regular basis. They bring gifts and toys. People often visit with their other children. It's a much more conscious way of dealing with all this than how we do it in our country.

I imagine many Americans would find these figures morbid -- they might think that dwelling on a lost pregnancy might only make things worse.

I'm not surprised when people say, "Isn't talking about it just going to make it worse? Dwelling on it is going to make me feel bad. Shouldn't I just get over it and get on with my life?" I agree that dwelling on losses interminably is pathological. But it's crucial to process our grief before we can let it go. Otherwise, it starts to affect you in ways that are not very clear, like becoming depressed. The whole emphasis to move on and lead your day-to-day life is such a strong impulse for Americans.

Do women who choose abortion receive even less support than those who miscarry?

Of all the people silenced around pregnancy loss, those who have had abortions have the least support in our culture. They have even more hesitancy to speak out about their experiences.

Is this because of the strength of the anti-abortion movement?

Yes. There is a strong reluctance to talk about any negative emotional fallout from abortion.

Because people fear that speaking out could be used rhetorically by the anti-abortion movement?

Yes -- it certainly could be and is. When I was writing the book, it was almost impossible to find any data on the psychological impact of abortion, except data used as propaganda by the anti-abortion movement, which is highly inflammatory.

Then it's understandable that people who are pro-choice would not want to open that door. So why do you think they should?

Because there are a lot of people who are not getting the help they need precisely because of that fear. They need a place to be able to talk about their experiences too. I don't think anyone approaches abortion lightly. There is a big myth within the pro-life movement that women have abortions callously, flippantly, without any second thoughts.

But there probably are those for whom having an abortion is not a big deal.

Yes, and this is where the issue gets tricky. There's a huge range of experiences. There are people who have miscarriages and are happy about it. They don't want to be pregnant, and it's not a major loss. For another person it can be devastating.

N E X T__P A G E: Hopes and dreams