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T A B L E++T A L K Is it better to have just one child, or two or more? Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of raising siblings in the Mothers area of Table Talk - - - - - - - - - - R E C E N T L Y Ask Dr. Love Turning the tables on Terry Gross Don't complain. Don't explain. Don't call me Mom Are we there yet? BROWSE THE MOTHERS WHO THINK FEATURE ARCHIVES - - - - - - - - - - Mamafesto
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MOTHERS WHO THINK TOO MUCH | PAGE 1, 2
It made sense that we would pursue our now-urgent tasks with the savvy that 30-odd years of practiced consumerism had imbued us with. Whoever invented that ovulation predictor kit knew well the end-users: What could be more alluring to a woman in a hurry to get pregnant than an efficient little test that provided her with a daily read-out of precisely what was going on in her body? I, for one, was completely taken with it. One week each month, our kitchen turned into an ersatz laboratory, papered with charts, bar graphs and historical comparisons. So preoccupied was I with the day-to-day progress of what I visualized to be this game of human pinball that I would find myself casually dropping the day's results into conversations with friends -- male or female. "It looked pretty blue today, John." "So why are you still at work?" We who are responsible for raising the average age of first motherhood are a difficult group -- and not just because, nursing our Perriers, we're no longer any fun at parties. We've got a lot to be nervous about, not the least of which is the specter of infertility and the serious medical risks often attendant to deferred pregnancy. Mostly, however, many of us are worried because our trust in the medical profession has been significantly eroded; the doctor is no longer the authority figure he was for our mothers. A woman whose mother unquestioningly took the DES that her doctor recommended to prevent miscarriage and now surveys the deleterious effects of that miracle drug on her own reproductive system is understandably wary. Fortunately, we'd had years of experience in preparing ourselves for new undertakings: How much more difficult could getting educated for motherhood be than, say, buying a major appliance? The goal was certainly the same: to make the most enlightened choices after having first evaluated the available data. Obviously, there were studies out there. If we were sufficiently informed, at a minimum we'd be able to ask the pertinent questions and make our own educated choices. As soon as my pregnancy was confirmed, I got serious. A sophisticated consumer always begins by scanning the available literature. I discovered that the bookstore pregnancy inventories tended to fall into two categories: the ubiquitous bromides, for women (usually under 30) who believe that all they have to do to pop out a baby is follow the doctor's advice and pick colors for the nursery; and the more elusive hard-facts books, for the woman who believes that growing a baby requires her full participation and unblinking vigilance, lest she fall asleep at the wheel and irresponsibly allow nature to take its course unguided. Or worse, be forced to rely on her doctor. Naturally, we older future mothers prefer the latter source. When a shoot-from-the-hip book was discovered, its information -- though often far from reassuring, even frightening -- was passed among us, like urgent gossip. Of course, sometimes the use, or misuse, that we made of the hard-facts books was the best argument for the bromides. One friend, Lisa, suffered from allergies so severe that in the early weeks of her pregnancy she took an antihistamine. Unfortunately, that was before she had read about the detrimental effects such medications could have on the developing fetus. Certain that she'd done irreparable harm to her unborn, Lisa kicked prenatal lay research up to a new level when she stormed the stacks of the local medical school library and read for herself the antihistamine studies. It took a phone call from her husband to the author of one of those studies -- pleading with him to please let him put his wife on the phone so that he could assure her that a single antihistamine could do no irreversible damage -- to calm her down. Another friend, Zini -- a Californian by birth and lifestyle, and a former gynecological nurse-practitioner -- had apparently spent much of her time in obstetrical practice contemplating the perfect pregnancy and concluded that having a baby was something best left to the mother's instincts. As the rest of us watched enviously, she bypassed the medical profession and placed herself under the care of a midwife. She then designed her own prenatal diet, declined amniocentesis and finalized plans for a home birth before setting off for eight weeks in Morocco -- during her fifth month and the height of the flu season. Hers was a textbook pregnancy, up until delivery. Although Zini's worst-case scenario must have included the possibility of a hospital rather than home birth, she certainly never expected an emergency room C-section, though that's what she got. A persistent and discomfiting counterpoint to the search for an enlightened, fail-proof pregnancy was always the attitudes of women of our mothers' generation. Lottie, one of these, laughed when I described my daily debate over the propriety of a morning cup of coffee. "I'd just relax about all of that," she'd say. "When I was pregnant, the medical thinking was that it was best to gain very little weight, so my friends and I drank pots of coffee and smoked dozens of cigarettes every day -- just to keep from eating. We were clueless that any of that was bad, but we seemed to do OK." I had to admit that Lottie's grown daughters -- one a doctor, the other a lawyer -- seemed none the worse for mom's prenatal transgressions. The news that Margaret, 36, had an amnio and tested positive for Down's syndrome sent tremors through our group: Margaret was one of our best-informed. What could have caused this hideous malfunctioning of a natural process that had been so carefully guided? After all, what was the point of all this intensive information-gathering if so much still lay beyond our control? Then, too, if it was possible to have a healthy baby on caffeine and cigarettes and a defective one without them, why bother? All of these maddening contradictions pointed up the futility of trying to influence an essentially uncontrollable outcome. Maybe I'd gotten carried away with the placental checklist I'd custom-designed to ensure my own perfect baby: holding my breath while filling the car with gas or in a room with someone who was sick; forcing myself to account for the nutritional value of every bite of food, to the point that eating became a mechanical, joyless chore. Waiting for a headache to wear off rather than take a chance on the Tylenol that my doctor assured me was perfectly safe. Thank God no one, except my husband, had seen me sitting in front of my computer wrapped in a dental-office lead apron.
What was I doing? Probably looking for the same kind of
predictability in pregnancy that the ovulation kit purported to offer for
conception. What I had neglected to factor in was the stress that would
necessarily accompany such a bid for quality control. Having a healthy
baby, it turns out, was not that much like picking the best fridge. It
gradually dawned on me that the best thing I could do for my offspring
would be to give him a relaxed, if older and wiser, mother. So I loosened
my grip. And had a cup of coffee.
Anne S. Lewis is an Austin, Texas, writer and, after eight months of trying, mother to a boy named Eli. She has written for, among others, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Texas Monthly and Lingua Franca.
Expecting the worst What to expect when you ask control freaks for advice.
Baby hunger A cynical hipster finds herself dragged inexorably down the dark tunnel of maternal longing by a goofy-faced toddler.
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