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T A B L E++T A L K What do you do when you're out of ideas for ways to entertain your kids? Vent frustrations and exchange tips in the Mothers area of Table Talk - - - - - - - - - - R E C E N T L Y The Merry Recluse Mulatto millennium Second Thoughts The face of Zorro Zorro vs. Tarzana BROWSE THE MOTHERS WHO THINK HOT FLASH ARCHIVES - - - - - - - - - - Mamafesto
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SINS OF THE FATHERS | PAGE 1, 2, 3
At what age do most girls in the Kingston group marry and have children? Most girls get married at 14, 16, 18, and have a baby every year. They cannot keep up financially, and the children live in poverty, and the mothers are overwhelmed. There's arguing amongst the women, and there's a lot of eating disorders because they try to keep slim for the husband because they want to catch his attention because they don't see him very much. In the Kingston group, which has about 1,500 members, the patriarchs had multiple wives. John Daniel Kingston, the defendant, has more than 20, and you claim the leader of the group, Paul Kingston, has 30-plus. There must be many young men left single. What happens to them? They are allowed to marry someone outside of the group and she then becomes an automatic member. But if a girl married on the outside, she was out. That was it. We actually have a man who wants to become part of our group, Tapestry of Polygamy, the brother of one of our members. He's a child of polygamy. He was physically abused and he says polygamy warps a person's view of sexuality. You also said you saw quite a lot of abuse toward children from other wives, so-called sister-wives of their mother, which makes sense to me. Sort of like the wicked stepmother. My family wasn't really that way. My sister and I were strong, and we really didn't need him, our husband, although I suppose he was a good sperm donor because our children are really outstanding. But there was a lot of abuse, and I heard about it a lot in other polygamous groups. The most disciplined children were considered the best children. Mothers would threaten their children to make them obedient. They were under so much pressure themselves and everyone wanted to look good. I couldn't stand it When you were still in the church, how did you view the outside world, what members of your group sometimes call "Babylon"? We more often called them "the outsiders," and we thought they'd all go to hell. Each polygamous group, including ours, believes that it alone has the key, that their leader is the greatest prophet on the planet. And we believed if a "celestial marriage" is not sealed by the right people -- your own church leaders -- you won't have that husband or wife on the other side, for eternity. Why did you finally leave the group? I know you were eventually excommunicated, but I'm wondering what led up to that. I was taking classes in hypnotherapy and eventually realized what a lie I had been living. It's just like [mega-selling author and recovery movement guru] John Bradshaw says, you're as sick as your secrets. I went on this big spiritual quest and realized I'd never loved my husband and that I was unhappy. I thought, "OK God, all these women here are complaining about you and thinking you're not very nice to them and how could a God love women and tell them they had to live polygamy?" I was excommunicated in 1992 for writing a letter to one of the church higher-ups telling him off for never preaching love and for ruling by fear, and not many months later I left my marriage. I had been dying inside. I became sick with asthma, I was depressed and stressed out and I had so much tendinitis and bursitis in my hip, I was bedridden. I was broke, although I'd been given a house by my former husband. But I had no skills that would help me get a job. Were your children supportive? My children really encouraged me to get out, otherwise I might not have been able to. I realized that I couldn't still be a polygamist and help people get out of polygamy. When I came out, I started going to the media, and whoever else I could to point out illegal activity in the Kingston group -- the IRS, the FBI, the U.S. attorney, anywhere I could find to tell them that the church [allegedly] was cheating on its taxes, paying members less than minimum wage and stealing members' property. Are any of your children still members? They were all adults when you were kicked out, so I presume custody wasn't an issue. My daughter Stacy is also a co-founder of Tapestry of Polygamy. My children were way ahead of me. They thought polygamy was stupid all along and were waiting for me to catch on. One of my daughters did marry someone from the group. She's not a plural wife but her husband is still a group member, and he treats her like a plural wife -- he's somewhat abusive, and he can't get close or emotional to her. She has to work hard and he doesn't contribute. He has his own money but she's supposed to support the family. I don't intervene though. She has to work that out herself. Don't your husband and sister still support you, though? How do they view your founding Tapestry of Polygamy? I try to keep them out of it, as they're embarrassed by it. My sister has a business and caters to a lot of fundamentalists, so I try not to expose her. But now that the focus is on the Kingstons, because of this case, Tapestry of Polygamy is getting a lot of attention. You know the Kingstons who are on trial, right? Oh yes. John Daniel, who's married to his half-sister, he had his daughter marry his brother when she was 15 or 16. She was the 15th wife, but she couldn't do it, couldn't marry him. She kept running away so John Daniel [allegedly] beat the daylights out of her to make her do what he wanted her to do. You beat them up and threaten them. That's what polygamy's about -- coercion, fear and abuse. It's a question of power and control and a lot of sex. Polygamists are not as spiritual as you're led to believe -- there's wife-swapping, ménage à trois, use of pornography. There's no end to it. John Bradshaw came to Salt Lake City and said, "There's a high rate of incest whenever there's a patriarchal order." And I thought, "Wow John, you're pretty brave coming to Mormondom and telling them that." There's a lot of genetic problems because of the incest. Do you think polygamy should be outlawed? If the adults are consenting and there's no abuse? Some of the women in the group think that polygamists should be prosecuted, others say if you prosecute them, they will become victims and martyrs and go underground. Most of them will never change anyway. I just want the abuses prosecuted. There was a case in Colorado City, Ariz., about 15 years ago where a woman tried to run away and she was returned to her husband by the police. Utah Gov. Mike Leavitt recently commented on polygamy and even admitted that his great-great-great-grandfather had "many families," which sounded to me like a bit of a euphemism. He also said that polygamy may be a constitutional right because of religious freedom. It was a whitewash. He brushed it off. Polygamy is Utah's dirty little secret. They just don't want to deal with it because Mormons and polygamists are kissing cousins. If we have to, we'll go to Janet Reno to get the abuses prosecuted. I also want people to know that polygamy is not because of God. It can't be, because of the abuse and the deprivation of women and children. Can polygamy work? For others, if not for yourself? No. I don't think it ever works. You cannot live with polygamy, because that would mean ignoring the pain, abuse, neglect and poverty. As a friend of mine, who's in pain and agony because of polygamy, said, "It's one big eternal fuck." One big eternal fuck? Spiritually speaking, you're going to be with him and have his children to populate other worlds, for eternity. Well what does it involve? He's going to have sex forever and ever and ever. And she's going to be pregnant forever and ever and ever. So this woman said, "It's just one big eternal fuck."
Ros Davidson is a regular contributer to Salon. Editor's note: An earlier version of this story contained an error that has since been corrected. The correction notice is here.
Another former "plural" wife talks about the challenge of mothering in a polygamist marriage. |
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