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T A B L E++T A L K Positive day care experiences: Share yours in the Mothers area of Table Talk - - - - - - - - - - R E C E N T L Y Mothers who think too much Ask Dr. Love Turning the tables on Terry Gross Don't complain. Don't explain. Don't call me Mom BROWSE THE SALLIE TISDALE ARCHIVES - - - - - - - - - - Mamafesto
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SPOILED ROTTEN | PAGE 1, 2
I do believe, in fact, in the purity of children, and the importance of pouring love and acceptance into them. But for a few years I mistook love for lack of boundaries. For a while, my son and I were both confused about whether or not I was his mother or his friend. I've since watched one person after another in our generation do the same thing. I used to live next door to a woman who was terrified that her children wouldn't like her. At a very early age, her son had learned the magic power of those words "I hate you!" I told her once that every child said this sometimes, and in fact that they meant it completely when they said it. She was shocked that I believed such a thing, that I believed her son ever felt a moment of dislike for her. It was vitally important to her that her child see her as a friend. Every act had to be negotiated to his satisfaction. She spoke to him only in questions ("Would you like to go to bed now?" "When will you pick up your toys?") and never used any form of physical control. Even if he bit or hit her, she hesitated to stop him. If he screamed or threw a fit, she would say, "Let's talk about it." If he interrupted our conversations with a tantrum, the conversation would end so she could sit down with him and "work it out." When I remodeled my kitchen and had a locked cupboard put in, she couldn't imagine why. For my own stash, I told her. I had teenagers; I wanted to keep liquor, chocolate and various other temptations out of reach, as well as my own treats. She was appalled. There was nothing in her house, she said, that her children couldn't have. She thought this was a good thing. I thought it was one reason she took Prozac. I see the same kind of thing all the time -- parents in grocery stores, at the bank, downtown, with screaming, whining, hollering children, demanding and unhappy, throwing tantrums and physically lashing out, while their parents try to negotiate the behavior away, explain it away, offer alternatives, all the while desperately protecting the "self-esteem" of children who are learning that mayhem and the desire for instant gratification are how one gets ahead in the world. Sometimes, the lesson comes from the parent's self-involved concern with his or her own gratification. Last week, my next-door neighbors, Cindy and Michael, were hanging out in their backyard, listening to an odd banging sound from the yard behind them. Suddenly a large knife came sailing over the fence and hit the grass next to Cindy. And then another knife -- swish, thunk. Two 8-year-old boys, at target practice with dad's good kitchen knives. An upsetting incident -- especially for Cindy -- but one that can be solved with a few sharp words and some direct consequences. But when Michael went to confront the parent in charge, he didn't answer the doorbell for a long time. When he did, he was upset -- because those were his best kitchen knives, and target practice took the edge off. When my increasingly mystified neighbor asked why the father hadn't even answered the doorbell, the man -- who is, after all, a successful lawyer and no particular fool -- replied that he had, in fact, heard the commotion and the bell.
"But I had to ignore it," he said. "I was meditating."
Part Two: It's easy to say that it takes a village to raise a child, but we don't have villages -- we have corporate day-care centers. Coming July 9 in Sallie Tisdale's "Second Thoughts." |
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