Sadly for Morris, companies contacted by Forbes rebuffed his innovative suggestions. "That's why he's a consultant, and we have our own ad agency," a Reebok spokesman scoffed to Androshick.

Largely unreported, however, is the fact that other, more forward-thinking clients have apparently taken Morris' advice to heart. In a rare coup, Salon has obtained draft scripts for several consumer ads written and directed by Madison Avenue's new wizard of darkness. The ads are still in storyboard form, and air dates have yet to be determined. But Morris' corporate converts are said to be so enthusiastic about the new strategy, several of them are already thinking Super Bowl.

Client: Rogaine

Opponent: Propecia

Title: "Side effects"

ANNOUNCER: You've seen those TV ads for the hair-growth drug Propecia.

Maybe you've noticed that cryptic warning about "certain types of sexual side effects."

Certain types?

Merck is telling you only part of the story.

Here are the facts.

Those side effects can include:

• less desire for sex

• softer erections

• less semen

[Cut to close facial shot of middle-aged man seated with his chin resting in his hand. The man sports a luxuriant mane of hair, yet his face is pinched, and expresses deep uncertainty.]

ANNOUNCER: If you want less semen in your life, Propecia may be for you.

[Switch to intercutting pictures of couples walking along the beach and clinking glasses over dinner. Heroic music starts gently, then builds.]

ANNOUNCER (voice brightening): Rogaine promises robust erections. And plenty of semen.

Propecia. Put it down if you want to get it up.

Client: Burger King

Opponent: McDonald's

Title: "Furlough"

OPEN: A steady procession of convicts circling through a revolving gate, and marching forward -- toward the viewer.

ANNOUNCER: Remember Michael Dukakis?

He vetoed the death penalty. Then he gave furloughs to first-degree murderers not eligible for parole.

One of them was Willie Horton.

[Blurry black-and-white photo of Horton being arrested.]

ANNOUNCER: Horton was sentenced to life without parole, but Dukakis gave him a furlough. Horton went on to rape and torture others.

[Cut to close-up mug shot of Horton's scowling, unshaven face.]

ANNOUNCER: And what did Willie Horton request for his last meal?

A McDonald's Filet o' Fish.

[We see Horton's face morphing into a Filet o' Fish sandwich.]

ANNOUNCER: At Burger King, we DON'T believe violent career criminals deserve a break today -- or ever.

That's why Burger King supports the death penalty for first-degree murderers.

[Cut to another procession of convicts circling through the Golden Arches, which have been converted into a revolving turnstile.]

ANNOUNCER: McDonald's on crime. We are all victims.

Next page | Taco Bell -- dangerous ideas out of the torrid South!