For the fifth issue of his zine of "First-person tales of everyday living," Chris Baty had several friends condense their love-lives into resumé form. Aside from being a hilarious read, I suspect this exercise is highly therapeutic. Some choice selections:

• Freelancer February 1997-August 1997
  Period of satisfying self-employment interspersed with occasional temporary work assignments. Memorable contracts included a man I met in a bar whose name I never knew, and a 19-year-old surfer.

One time assignment with a close friend.
Duties included letting him down gently and enduring guilt for the remainder of my college years.

Ineffable Productions, Supervisor: Kristinha M.
Title: Jouissance Administrator
Primary function was to ensure that life remained a beautiful fiction for my employer. Engaged in intriguing conversations, entertained nightly, lent emotional support and stimulated and fulfilled fantasy for my employer. Conflicts resolved in a timely and satisfactory manner.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

New City Chicago, "I Lost on 'Jeopardy'" by Carl Kozlowski

Loser numero dos: Journalist goes on "Jeopardy." Embarrasses self by answering "What is oil?" to the clue "This is thicker than water" in the Familiar Phrases category. Feels compelled to divulge the details of his humiliation in predictable prose.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Willamette Week (Portland), May 19-25

Beervana and vinotopia by Willamette Week staff

Apparently the staff at the Willamette Week have been taking swigs from the same editorial bucket as Seattle's The Stranger. Like their neighbors to the north, Portland's alternative weekly presents a springtime special section on drinking, only this one's about hops and vines instead of the hard stuff, and it's more a guide to drinking in the area -- including a list of bars for old drunks, hipsters and yuppies -- than a tribute to emptied shot-glasses past. So if you're going to Portland and have it in for your liver, print this out and spill booze all over it. Otherwise, I recommend Liz Brown's outstanding article questioning the tired premise: "Beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, you're in the clear" and this vocabulary list for oenophiles-in-training.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

New York Observer, May 24

"This Man is Worth $200 Million ... on Paper" by Nick Paumgarten and Gabriel Snyder

Nick Paumgarten and Gabriel Snyder illustrate the absurdity of the new economy and over-inflated technology stocks in this sharp, humorous piece. As a cynic grown weary of reading uncritical plaudits of ever-ascending tech stock prices, I am refreshed, jubilant, nay thrilled as a spared turkey on Thanksgiving to read such a cynical, dark take.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Orlando Weekly, May 13-19

"Watered-down Celebration" by Theresa Everline

In the town of Celebration, a Florida suburb created by Disney to serve as suburbtopia-on-earth, residents who miss a badly designed (not in our town!) turn in the road plunge into a retention pond that has so far claimed more than seven vehicles, one life and possibly three missing tourists. While I do not wish death-by-drowning on anyone, you have to admit that the image of SUVs driven by Stepford wives and husbands being consumed by a pond in the land of manicured lawns and punitive zoning laws does restore a sense of divine justice. To her credit, Theresa Everline does not give in to such gloating in her report on the car-sucking pond. I, however, can't help it.

------------------------------------

Women who inject their butts with silicon. Women who are excluded from theater. Women who eat SlimFast to attend prom seven years too late. Women poisoned by tampons. Evil, soul-sucking phone companies. And I didn't even get to Barbie's 40th anniversary... Let us pause a moment and meditate on some zines that have nice things to say when they talk about women, shall we?

Bust Uncynical, exuberant boasting about the joys of being female, with a generous dollop of sex-positive dirty talk to cut through the self-love fest.

Hipmama Fun, snarky and highly unusual essays on motherhood.

Maxi Co-founded and co-edited by Salon's own Janelle Brown, Maxi proves that being a woman in no way means being weak.

Disgruntled Housewife A celebration of female snarkiness.

Chick Click The portal, if you will, to all the best Web sites for women.
salon.com | May 21, 1999

- - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - -

  Get a printer-friendly version

  E-mail a friend about this article

  Backflip this article to find it again

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Search Salon