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*!!!!zzzzz*

_Mundane Titillation
This week's stories prove that a good writer can make
the most mundane subject riveting, while a hack can turn
the sexiest topic into a colossal snooze.


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By Jenn Shreve

July 16, 1999 | The mundane stuff of life -- speed bumps, insects, baldness -- doesn't make good headlines. We want prostitutes, jails, celebrities, junkie masseurs. These are the things that make pages turn, links click, profits soar. But occasionally a writer can transform the most mundane of topics into a masterpiece -- or at least something worth skimming. On the other hand, even the sexiest story can be remarkably boring in the hands of an inept wordsmith.

Today, in my never-ending quest to evaluate, ponder and rate the offerings of America's alternative press, I give you the snooze-o-meter, my personal method of measuring the liveliness, or deadliness, of stories lurid and mundane.

  • Insomnia: Will keep you awake after that long, carb-intensive lunch.
  • Amusement: Heh heh. That's nice. Think I'll forward it to my cousin in Vermont.
  • Drowsiness: I try to care, I really do.
  • Zzzzzzzzzzz: Zzzzzzzzzzz.

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Minneapolis/St. Paul City Pages, July 14-20

"Bump and Grind" by Katy Reckdahl

Speed bumps. What are they? A mere annoyance to impatient drivers? A valuable safeguard of suburban toddlers? Nay! Speed bumps are the center of a swirling controversy, a Catch-22, one person's misery and another's peace of mind. They are, according to reporter Katy Reckdahl, the nemesis of pizza deliverymen. Thanks to the annoying bumps, those who deliver pepperoni with mushrooms can no longer navigate the streets of sleepy suburbia with Andretti-like speed. Alas, Reckdahl must leave the piping-hot pizza-delivery universe for the politics of speed bumps -- the ordinances, the tiresome neighborhood bickering. The story that begins with a roar lands with a thud, but it made me consider speed bumps in an entirely new way and may guilt-trip me into tipping pizza delivery people more generously in the future.

TOPIC: Mundane

TREATMENT: Creative

RATING: Amusement

"The Gene Sifters" by Andrew Carter

DNA testing involves crime, blood, death, murder, suspicion, lives on the verge, O.J. Simpson. Not bad for a subject dominated by people in white coats hunched over test tubes in sterile labs. Andrew Carter reports on Minnesota's DNA database, improved technology in testing and why blood samples are becoming the fingerprints of the new millennium. He manages to squeeze the terms "mummified samples," "corpse" and "lip cells on a cigarette butt" into one thrilling paragraph.

TOPIC: Titillating

TREATMENT: Bland

RATING: Amusement

"Sandy Berman's Last Stand" by Burl Gilyard

Sandy Burman, 65, head cataloger for the Hennepin County Library since 1973, gets sacked by callous management for speaking his mind. The story leads with a lengthy discussion of his typewriter and the inflammatory memo he typed on it. That's pages 1 and 2. There are four more. Zzzzzzzz.

TOPIC: Mundane (Libraries are dull, even if free-speech struggles are involved)

TREATMENT: Slow

RATING: Zzzzzzzz

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Long Island Voice, July 15-21

"Living and dining on Long Island" by Andrew Friedman

The setup: Two guys hit 24 diners in 24 hours. The subtext: "We eat at 24 diners in 24 hours so you don't have to." Why would we have to? Andrew Friedman, a talented stylist who deserves better material than this, sums up the problem with his piece well: "Diners look numbingly the same. As if we are stuck in a loop, a labyrinth, where we keep entering the same diner, over and over and over again, seeing our reflection in the same multiplying mirrors." Marathon pieces like these are hard to keep entertaining. Believe me. I know. The trick is selecting a topic that contains some inherent mystery.

TOPIC: Mundane to the point of madness

TREATMENT: Smart and sassy

RATING: Drowsiness

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Orlando Weekly, July 15-21

"Declining Years" by Steve Helling

"When St. Cloud police responded to a recent domestic dispute, the scene was a surreal mix between 'Cops' and 'Cocoon.' A 66-year-old woman had allegedly punched and pushed her 75-year-old husband after tying him to his bed with a dog collar and leash." Steve Helling does an excellent job with this story about the rise of domestic abuse among Florida's senior citizens.

TOPIC: Titillating

TREATMENT: Fine balance of smut and serious journalism

RATING: Insomnia

. Next page | Comparing Ted Hughes' poetry to "Xena" fans'. Plus: Baldness, Y2K, Lyme disease and Monica's shrink



 

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