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alt

-------TWO! FOUR! SIX! EIGHT!
Who do we love to hate? Alternative-weekly
journalists share their true feelings on SUVs,
cell phones, minks, celebrities and others.

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By Jenn Shreve

Jan. 14, 2000 | I come across many an article seething with hatred during my weekly perusal of the alternative press. And why not? There are few reading pleasures more delightful than a well-aimed, passionately argued diatribe.

As the poet Ogden Nash once said, "Any kiddies in school can love like a fool,/But hating, my boy, is an art." Indeed, to hate and hate well is a difficult task. The object of rancor must be chosen with a sharp eye for deep and complex flaws, to fuel your burning abhorrence. And one must be absolutely certain that the object of ire is indeed deserving; much scorn is misdirected, and hence wasted.

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Salt Lake City Weekly, Jan. 6-12

"SUV Luv" by Andrew Haley

Andrew Haley rehashes all the usual arguments in this essay about why he hates SUVs. These monster trucks are environmentally destructive, pretentious and unnecessary. Worst of all, according to Haley, they're inauthentic." He writes: "While these vehicles are designed to look like off-roading vehicles ... they are not the four-wheel-drive vehicles made to ply the outback. Instead, they are designed to create the image that you -- the lawyer, the mom, the teacher, the banker -- still have the youth, desire and time to go out into the rugged world and be a primitive man." To which I say, so what? So middle-aged businessmen and soccer moms want to own something that fools them into thinking their lives are slightly less ordinary? That should make us sad, not angry.

The environmental argument is a good one to run with if you want to have any strength to your argument, but Haley barely touches on it. Indeed, the real object of his disaffection, I suspect, is not Joe SUV-owner per se, but his father. (That's right, kids, I'm playing pop-psychologist.) Much of Haley's rant addresses the fact that his father owned a Ford Explorer and once got angry with his son for taking it off-road. He concludes the piece with this Oedipal gem: "This craze is a lie. It is another token of status in this society of conspicuous consumption. These vehicles were marketed to make people like my father believe they would still look tough and young and outdoorsy if they drove one." Hey Haley, there but by the grace of God go you.

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New York Press, Jan. 12-18

"My Life in Furs: Hate Me If It Makes You Feel Good" by Jessica Willis

With politically incorrect aplomb that you just have to sit back and admire, Jessica Willis visits a mink farm and discusses the feminist benefits of wearing fur. ("Fur makes a woman look fierce.") "The sapphire male squirms in its small cage and shits some more," Willis writes of one doomed creature. "Fuck you, you little creep, I think happily. You're a little devil animal, useful to no one, save for your skin. Unfortunately, you've been born wearing the pubic thatch of the gods. He gets my drift and hurls himself against the wire peephole." It only gets better from here. Willis can look forward to an abundance of hysterical hate mail in the weeks to come.

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Detroit Metro Times

"Feeling the heat" by Curt Guyette

Here's an organization deserving of hatred: The Global Climate Coalition, according to reporter Curt Guyette, has organized a "decade-long attempt to induce public skepticism and confusion over global warming." Just who belongs to this coalition? Don't let the warm 'n' fuzzy name fool you. Auto industry and fossil fuel bigwigs are running this public relations road show.

In this well-researched, balanced piece, Guyette avoids jumping to obvious conclusions. Ford Motor Co. and DaimlerChrysler have both withdrawn from the organization, he reports early on. But he also notes that while these companies have abandoned their green-washing P.R. ways, they are still responsible for producing a large percentage of the gas-guzzlers currently clogging freeways.

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The New York Observer, week of Jan. 17

"It Feels Good to Hate Gwyneth And Matt!" by George Gurley

They're beautiful. They're famous. They're rich, and they have Oscars. Let's hate them! In this brain-dead piece on hating Gwyneth Paltrow and Matt Damon, George Gurley just quotes a bunch of ne'er-do-wells bitching about the stars of "The Talented Mr. Ripley," as well as Robin Williams, Winona Ryder (well, can't blame them there) and Al Pacino. This isn't hatred, it's jealousy; and it's petty and dull at that.

The Village Voice adds to this anti-celebrity mania with this revelatory (ha!) piece on how celebrity-bashing -- get this -- thrives on the Web. Another case of an old phenomenon getting the "gee whiz" treatment just because it happens to be occurring online.

. Next page | Phish fans and those jerks who dare talk on cell phones in public


 
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