Salon Money | Separate checkbooks

T A B L E__T A L K
Are big banks inherently evil? Weigh in on the behemoth financial institutions in the Business and Personal Finance area of Table Talk

R E C E N T L Y

How far will Wall Street fall?
By Jonathan Broder
Russia's economic turmoil may spread, says one stock analyst, but the fundamentals of the American economy are still strong
(08/28/98)
Dis Capital
By Heather Chaplin
Capitalism bashing or pedophilia: which is a greater taboo?
(08/28/98)
Bull marketing
By Anita Bartholomew
While Wade Cook rides high on lucrative investment seminars, its customers' portfolios take a tumble
(08/21/98)
Hip! Hip! Hooray! Anyone remember who we're boycotting today?
By Kevin Kelleher
Boycotts are more effective than ever -- but the public's role in them is becoming increasingly irrelevant
(08/07/98)
The economy of fake fat
By Heather Chaplin
Olestra: the oil that leaves you running for the bathroom
(07/31/98)
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SEPARATE CHECKBOOKS | PAGE 1, 2
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C A R O L : I perused several books on the topic, assuming I'd find support for my "sharing" inclinations. My first surprise came when I discovered that Hank and I don't follow the gender rules: "It is usually the man who wants to merge the money and the woman who wants some or all separate money," say Olivia Mellan and Warren Farrell in "Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships."
Another shock followed. Almost every author -- all of whom were working therapists specializing in couples' counseling -- seemed to favor Hank's point of view. In "Love, Honor, and Negotiate: Making Your Marriage Work," co-authors Betty Carter and Joan K. Peters assert, "For a marriage to thrive, both partners must be mature, autonomous ... (This) usually requires financial independence." Naomi Wolf in "Fire With Fire" bluntly declares: "Women must own and use the money they have." And Grace W. Weinstein, author of "Men, Women & Money: New Roles, New Rules," states that "there's no reason in the world why one adult has to consult another about spending money on personal pleasure ... keeping separate accounts minimizes some conflicts." Weinstein was the only writer to exhibit any pro-sharing perspective, when she concluded that: "Ideally ... some income and assets should be pooled, others kept separate." But even her concession to sharing was qualified enough to make me hesitate. Her emphasis seemed like a moderate solution to empower women who might depend on their husbands to lead the way.
H A N K : I also examined these books -- all written by women, I noticed. My favorite was "Peer Marriage: How Love Between Equals Really Works," by Pepper Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington who also writes a sex and health column for Glamour magazine.
"Having separate money is one way partners feel that they have a separate identity, that they have not so merged that they cannot find themselves," Schwartz tells me by phone. She's reading my mind, speaking to my inner paranoid child. "I have never shared money with my husband in 18 years," she adds. "It's very important for women to have their own money to go to. Otherwise, it's infantilizing, and dangerous."
According to her estimates, however, "About 80 percent of all married couples pool their money," which puts Carol and me in the avant-garde 20 percent. Pepper admits that although she's an expert on the topic, her friends don't necessarily buy her reasoning. "Some people think our arrangement is crazy, ungenerous, uncommitted," she says. "They think marriage is only about monogamy and money." But as women's economic situation improves, she predicts, more and more women will want to keep their finances separate.
C A R O L : One day I answered the phone and heard a choking sound, a gurgle of my name, then ominous silence. "Mom? What's the matter?" Although I had come to embrace our marital accounting system, my mother still regarded it as just short of wife abuse. "The Joy Luck Club" had spurred her tearful phone call, because the architect in the movie -- who buys his girlfriend a cat but refuses to share the cost of cat food -- reminded her of Hank.
"Mom, I don't want to share money anymore either."
"You don't?" she said.
I lowered my voice conspiratorially: "It's much more lucrative not to."
"No kidding," she chortled, and quickly changed her tune. Lately, my mother has taken to advising me to file separate tax returns. "You want your own paper trail," has become a maternal mantra from a woman who learned too late the dangers of throwing in your financial selfhood with a man. For though her business ventures had earned a fair amount of money, their male accountant had always thought it best to roll the two incomes together and list my mother as my father's dependent. Now there are no state records of my mother's financial wherewithal: She cannot get a loan from a bank without my father, and her Social Security payments will be those of a fully dependent spouse: that is, 65 percent of his check.
I never intended to be the kind of woman who depended on her husband for breadwinning, but I don't think many women nowadays do. Rather, it's something that just "happens." Along with mounting expenditures of grown-up life -- like children, housing, reliable cars, insurance -- the man's career often takes on a growing importance within the family, either because it's better-paying or because the woman takes time off for child rearing. Gradually, the woman loses her financial footing and ends up feeling that economic independence is something essentially impractical. Looking back, I realize that Hank's perspective has actually helped me. While many of my female friends have grown more economically dependent on their husbands, I've had to hone my sense of business and learn about the workings of filthy lucre. Revenge is sweet. Today, I make twice as much money as my husband.
H A N K : That's not exactly a tall order, given my inability to make money. Only my frugality and inheritance keep me from destitution. I'm always self-employed in backbreaking businesses that yield meager rewards, and my investments are a disaster. The God of Finance is cruel to me. Meanwhile, my beloved mate has been blessed: Dinero flows magically toward her from shrewd business hunches, successful mutual funds and extravagant job offers. Very annoying. But her income doesn't tempt me to suggest we begin to share. If I was spending her money, she'd have the power. I can't have that; the power must be equal. Just as I couldn't love and respect someone if she were financially dependent on me, if I were dependent on her, I'd lose respect for myself.
Although Carol earns more than me, her spending habits cancel this out. Clothes, for example. She buys them. Plus lunches, lattes, Thai dinners, presents for friends and family members, a gym membership that she never uses, furniture and kitchen accessories, weird bathroom things and new books and magazine subscriptions -- her list of must-have possessions is monstrously longer than mine. If we shared money, I'd be constantly screaming, "Why are you wasting our future on this garbage?" We'd fight eternally. Sure, we argue about not sharing, but these arguments are like the jangle of change in your pocket. It always sounds the same, but I never get tired of listening.

"OK, the essay's done, Carol. Let's talk about the gas bill."
"What about it?"
"I never turn on the gas heater so why should I pay any of it?"
"You get the benefits of my turning it on. You get to be warm."
"I'd rather shiver than pay for heat."
"OK, you can pay for all the Vitamin C pills that we bought together but you ate all of them because you got sick. How about I pay for 60 percent of the gas, cheapskate?"
"It's a deal, if you promise not to call me that."
SALON | Sept. 4, 1998
Hank Hyena is a columnist for S.F. Gate; Carol Lloyd is a senior editor at Salon.
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B O O K S+I N F O R M A T I O N
MONEY HARMONY: RESOLVING MONEY CONFLICTS IN YOUR LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS
BY OLIVIA MELLAN AND WARREN FARRELL | WALKER & COMPANY, 236 PAGES
LOVE, HONOR, AND NEGOTIATE: MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE WORK
BY BETTY CARTER AND JOAN K. PETERS | POCKET BOOKS, 352 PAGES
FIRE WITH FIRE: THE NEW FEMALE POWER AND HOW TO USE IT
BY NAOMI WOLF | FAWCETT
MEN, WOMEN AND MONEY: NEW ROLES, NEW RULES
BY GRACE W. WEINSTEIN | PENGUIN
PEER MARRIAGE: HOW LOVE BETWEEN EQUALS REALLY WORKS
BY PEPPER SCHWARTZ | THE FREE PRESS, 205 PAGES




T A B L E__T A L K Are big banks inherently evil? Weigh in on the behemoth financial institutions in the Business and Personal Finance area of Table Talk R E C E N T L Y How far will Wall Street fall? By Jonathan Broder Russia's economic turmoil may spread, says one stock analyst, but the fundamentals of the American economy are still strong (08/28/98) Dis Capital By Heather Chaplin Capitalism bashing or pedophilia: which is a greater taboo? (08/28/98) Bull marketing By Anita Bartholomew While Wade Cook rides high on lucrative investment seminars, its customers' portfolios take a tumble (08/21/98) Hip! Hip! Hooray! Anyone remember who we're boycotting today? By Kevin Kelleher Boycotts are more effective than ever -- but the public's role in them is becoming increasingly irrelevant (08/07/98) The economy of fake fat By Heather Chaplin Olestra: the oil that leaves you running for the bathroom (07/31/98) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Browse the Money feature archives		SEPARATE CHECKBOOKS \| PAGE 1, 2 - - - - - - - - - - C A R O L : I perused several books on the topic, assuming I'd find support for my "sharing" inclinations. My first surprise came when I discovered that Hank and I don't follow the gender rules: "It is usually the man who wants to merge the money and the woman who wants some or all separate money," say Olivia Mellan and Warren Farrell in "Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships." Another shock followed. Almost every author -- all of whom were working therapists specializing in couples' counseling -- seemed to favor Hank's point of view. In "Love, Honor, and Negotiate: Making Your Marriage Work," co-authors Betty Carter and Joan K. Peters assert, "For a marriage to thrive, both partners must be mature, autonomous ... (This) usually requires financial independence." Naomi Wolf in "Fire With Fire" bluntly declares: "Women must own and use the money they have." And Grace W. Weinstein, author of "Men, Women & Money: New Roles, New Rules," states that "there's no reason in the world why one adult has to consult another about spending money on personal pleasure ... keeping separate accounts minimizes some conflicts." Weinstein was the only writer to exhibit any pro-sharing perspective, when she concluded that: "Ideally ... some income and assets should be pooled, others kept separate." But even her concession to sharing was qualified enough to make me hesitate. Her emphasis seemed like a moderate solution to empower women who might depend on their husbands to lead the way. H A N K : I also examined these books -- all written by women, I noticed. My favorite was "Peer Marriage: How Love Between Equals Really Works," by Pepper Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington who also writes a sex and health column for Glamour magazine. "Having separate money is one way partners feel that they have a separate identity, that they have not so merged that they cannot find themselves," Schwartz tells me by phone. She's reading my mind, speaking to my inner paranoid child. "I have never shared money with my husband in 18 years," she adds. "It's very important for women to have their own money to go to. Otherwise, it's infantilizing, and dangerous." According to her estimates, however, "About 80 percent of all married couples pool their money," which puts Carol and me in the avant-garde 20 percent. Pepper admits that although she's an expert on the topic, her friends don't necessarily buy her reasoning. "Some people think our arrangement is crazy, ungenerous, uncommitted," she says. "They think marriage is only about monogamy and money." But as women's economic situation improves, she predicts, more and more women will want to keep their finances separate. C A R O L : One day I answered the phone and heard a choking sound, a gurgle of my name, then ominous silence. "Mom? What's the matter?" Although I had come to embrace our marital accounting system, my mother still regarded it as just short of wife abuse. "The Joy Luck Club" had spurred her tearful phone call, because the architect in the movie -- who buys his girlfriend a cat but refuses to share the cost of cat food -- reminded her of Hank. "Mom, I don't want to share money anymore either." "You don't?" she said. I lowered my voice conspiratorially: "It's much more lucrative not to." "No kidding," she chortled, and quickly changed her tune. Lately, my mother has taken to advising me to file separate tax returns. "You want your own paper trail," has become a maternal mantra from a woman who learned too late the dangers of throwing in your financial selfhood with a man. For though her business ventures had earned a fair amount of money, their male accountant had always thought it best to roll the two incomes together and list my mother as my father's dependent. Now there are no state records of my mother's financial wherewithal: She cannot get a loan from a bank without my father, and her Social Security payments will be those of a fully dependent spouse: that is, 65 percent of his check. I never intended to be the kind of woman who depended on her husband for breadwinning, but I don't think many women nowadays do. Rather, it's something that just "happens." Along with mounting expenditures of grown-up life -- like children, housing, reliable cars, insurance -- the man's career often takes on a growing importance within the family, either because it's better-paying or because the woman takes time off for child rearing. Gradually, the woman loses her financial footing and ends up feeling that economic independence is something essentially impractical. Looking back, I realize that Hank's perspective has actually helped me. While many of my female friends have grown more economically dependent on their husbands, I've had to hone my sense of business and learn about the workings of filthy lucre. Revenge is sweet. Today, I make twice as much money as my husband. H A N K : That's not exactly a tall order, given my inability to make money. Only my frugality and inheritance keep me from destitution. I'm always self-employed in backbreaking businesses that yield meager rewards, and my investments are a disaster. The God of Finance is cruel to me. Meanwhile, my beloved mate has been blessed: Dinero flows magically toward her from shrewd business hunches, successful mutual funds and extravagant job offers. Very annoying. But her income doesn't tempt me to suggest we begin to share. If I was spending her money, she'd have the power. I can't have that; the power must be equal. Just as I couldn't love and respect someone if she were financially dependent on me, if I were dependent on her, I'd lose respect for myself. Although Carol earns more than me, her spending habits cancel this out. Clothes, for example. She buys them. Plus lunches, lattes, Thai dinners, presents for friends and family members, a gym membership that she never uses, furniture and kitchen accessories, weird bathroom things and new books and magazine subscriptions -- her list of must-have possessions is monstrously longer than mine. If we shared money, I'd be constantly screaming, "Why are you wasting our future on this garbage?" We'd fight eternally. Sure, we argue about not sharing, but these arguments are like the jangle of change in your pocket. It always sounds the same, but I never get tired of listening. "OK, the essay's done, Carol. Let's talk about the gas bill." "What about it?" "I never turn on the gas heater so why should I pay any of it?" "You get the benefits of my turning it on. You get to be warm." "I'd rather shiver than pay for heat." "OK, you can pay for all the Vitamin C pills that we bought together but you ate all of them because you got sick. How about I pay for 60 percent of the gas, cheapskate?" "It's a deal, if you promise not to call me that." SALON \| Sept. 4, 1998 Hank Hyena is a columnist for S.F. Gate; Carol Lloyd is a senior editor at Salon. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - B O O K S+I N F O R M A T I O N MONEY HARMONY: RESOLVING MONEY CONFLICTS IN YOUR LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS BY OLIVIA MELLAN AND WARREN FARRELL \| WALKER & COMPANY, 236 PAGES LOVE, HONOR, AND NEGOTIATE: MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE WORK BY BETTY CARTER AND JOAN K. PETERS \| POCKET BOOKS, 352 PAGES FIRE WITH FIRE: THE NEW FEMALE POWER AND HOW TO USE IT BY NAOMI WOLF \| FAWCETT MEN, WOMEN AND MONEY: NEW ROLES, NEW RULES BY GRACE W. WEINSTEIN \| PENGUIN PEER MARRIAGE: HOW LOVE BETWEEN EQUALS REALLY WORKS BY PEPPER SCHWARTZ \| THE FREE PRESS, 205 PAGES