Salon Money | Help! I have portfolio deficit disorder!

T A B L E__T A L K
Is widening income disparity the real economic crisis we're facing? Weigh in on rich and poor in Table Talk's Business and Personal Finance area

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Feed your stock market addiction with great books on personal finance from barnesandnoble.com
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R E C E N T L Y

Consumer retorts
By Heather Chaplin
The motto of the consumer warrior must be: Never surrender, never apologize and never forget there is no rational justification for $28 bank charges
(01/08/99)
Money talks
By Heather Chaplin
If you want to know if a woman is wealthy, check her pores, not her pearls
(12/18/98)
God rest ye merry, shoppers
By Fiona Morgan
Author Bill McKibben preaches a "Hundred Dollar Holiday"
(12/11/98)
Exxon-Mobil: Bigger than Monica?
By Heather Chaplin
While the media and Congress blather about the Clinton sex scandal, these former competitors just created the biggest corporation in the world
(12/04/98)
The last hurrah for West Coast finance
By Kevin Kelleher
The departure of the last of the titans from San Francisco's biggest investment bank was marked by a disastrous frat party that time forgot
(11/25/98)
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Browse the
Money feature archives

HELP! I HAVE PORTFOLIO DEFICIT DISORDER! | PAGE 1, 2
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But each morning when I returned to work, I stayed on the sidelines, repeating the financial mantras: The market always goes up long term; timing the market never works; buy and hold -- it made Warren Buffett a billionaire.
I started caring about what once seemed like abstract concepts: diluted earnings per share, revenue growth, cost of sales. I scoured my companies' balance sheets for projections, read about products slated to become "the next big thing." I started to get possessive about my companies, defensive if a friend or colleague questioned them. So the shoemaker I own stock in uses prison labor in China? Who cares! I'm a stockholder now! Talk to me about bottom lines. Are we going to meet first-quarter expectations? Show me the good news, baby, my stocks need it now!
Soon enough, I brought my addiction home. I began reading articles about market direction, hoping to parse the words of sages like Alan Greenspan and Abby Joseph Cohen. When they expressed exuberance, so did I. When Cohen -- Goldman Sachs' mightiest bull -- projected robust corporate earnings and a Dow of 10,000, I blessed her sweet soul.
Slowly, my television habits changed too. Instead of watching "Seinfeld" reruns at 11 p.m., I tuned to CNN's "MoneyLine With Lou Dobbs." Lou was gruff, raw, not nearly as witty as Jerry, but I hankered for his recap of the day's business news. One night in bed I confessed to my girlfriend that I had a crush on CNN Financial News' Terry Keenan, that I fantasized about romping around with her while she breathed stock quotes in my ear. The next morning I woke up alone. "Call me, you #@$@$#, when you get a life," read my girlfriend's note.
Things only got worse: I developed a fondness for Myron Kandel. His voice -- which I had once found so whiny -- now seemed mellifluous. My portfolioitis was spreading. My girlfriend had left me, my values had crumbled -- entropy was setting in. I knew my portfolio was responsible. But I was too hooked to care.
What stopped my downward spiral? Eventually it dawned on me that no amount of obsessing would save my anemic holdings and I accepted the harsh truth: After a few too many bad decisions, my portfolio was dead. I'd bet on a South Korean utility after my mom, whose husband worked there, said it was headed for big gains. Then the Asian crisis hit, the stock tanked and my slim profits were history.
Another dud I clung to was a Silicon Valley computer maker I'd scooped up after a magazine said it was poised for "explosive growth." A few months later it fell 40 percent. Then, genius that I was, I'd doubled my shares, thinking, hey, it only needs to go up 20 percent for me to recoup. The stock skidded another 30 percent. With those two pearls alone my portfolio would take years to recover.
There is no moral to this tale. I offer no cautionary wisdom. Many amateur traders may tell similar stories, some more sorrowful, many with happier bottom lines. Last fall, with help from a therapist who specializes in financial disorders, I began the painful process of weaning myself from my portfolio. I changed my home page back to Yahoo. I stopped paying attention to the magazine analysts and heard-on-the-street pitch men. My girlfriend came back after I agreed never to mention Terry Keenan's name again. I began clicking by Myron Kandel and returned to watching "Seinfeld." Sure, I still own stocks and occasionally check their value, but I'm now a staunch buy-and-hold man. I've taken the first step to recovery by confessing to my addiction and the catharsis feels good. Who knows, maybe I'll start a 12-step program, open up branches, float an IPO. I'll call the company Portfolio Checkers Anonymous. Interested in a few shares?
SALON | Jan. 15, 1998
Daren Fonda is a freelance writer living in New York.




T A B L E__T A L K Is widening income disparity the real economic crisis we're facing? Weigh in on rich and poor in Table Talk's Business and Personal Finance area ___________________ Feed your stock market addiction with great books on personal finance from barnesandnoble.com ___________________ R E C E N T L Y Consumer retorts By Heather Chaplin The motto of the consumer warrior must be: Never surrender, never apologize and never forget there is no rational justification for $28 bank charges (01/08/99) Money talks By Heather Chaplin If you want to know if a woman is wealthy, check her pores, not her pearls (12/18/98) God rest ye merry, shoppers By Fiona Morgan Author Bill McKibben preaches a "Hundred Dollar Holiday" (12/11/98) Exxon-Mobil: Bigger than Monica? By Heather Chaplin While the media and Congress blather about the Clinton sex scandal, these former competitors just created the biggest corporation in the world (12/04/98) The last hurrah for West Coast finance By Kevin Kelleher The departure of the last of the titans from San Francisco's biggest investment bank was marked by a disastrous frat party that time forgot (11/25/98) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Browse the Money feature archives		HELP! I HAVE PORTFOLIO DEFICIT DISORDER! \| PAGE 1, 2 - - - - - - - - - - But each morning when I returned to work, I stayed on the sidelines, repeating the financial mantras: The market always goes up long term; timing the market never works; buy and hold -- it made Warren Buffett a billionaire. I started caring about what once seemed like abstract concepts: diluted earnings per share, revenue growth, cost of sales. I scoured my companies' balance sheets for projections, read about products slated to become "the next big thing." I started to get possessive about my companies, defensive if a friend or colleague questioned them. So the shoemaker I own stock in uses prison labor in China? Who cares! I'm a stockholder now! Talk to me about bottom lines. Are we going to meet first-quarter expectations? Show me the good news, baby, my stocks need it now! Soon enough, I brought my addiction home. I began reading articles about market direction, hoping to parse the words of sages like Alan Greenspan and Abby Joseph Cohen. When they expressed exuberance, so did I. When Cohen -- Goldman Sachs' mightiest bull -- projected robust corporate earnings and a Dow of 10,000, I blessed her sweet soul. Slowly, my television habits changed too. Instead of watching "Seinfeld" reruns at 11 p.m., I tuned to CNN's "MoneyLine With Lou Dobbs." Lou was gruff, raw, not nearly as witty as Jerry, but I hankered for his recap of the day's business news. One night in bed I confessed to my girlfriend that I had a crush on CNN Financial News' Terry Keenan, that I fantasized about romping around with her while she breathed stock quotes in my ear. The next morning I woke up alone. "Call me, you #@$@$#, when you get a life," read my girlfriend's note. Things only got worse: I developed a fondness for Myron Kandel. His voice -- which I had once found so whiny -- now seemed mellifluous. My portfolioitis was spreading. My girlfriend had left me, my values had crumbled -- entropy was setting in. I knew my portfolio was responsible. But I was too hooked to care. What stopped my downward spiral? Eventually it dawned on me that no amount of obsessing would save my anemic holdings and I accepted the harsh truth: After a few too many bad decisions, my portfolio was dead. I'd bet on a South Korean utility after my mom, whose husband worked there, said it was headed for big gains. Then the Asian crisis hit, the stock tanked and my slim profits were history. Another dud I clung to was a Silicon Valley computer maker I'd scooped up after a magazine said it was poised for "explosive growth." A few months later it fell 40 percent. Then, genius that I was, I'd doubled my shares, thinking, hey, it only needs to go up 20 percent for me to recoup. The stock skidded another 30 percent. With those two pearls alone my portfolio would take years to recover. There is no moral to this tale. I offer no cautionary wisdom. Many amateur traders may tell similar stories, some more sorrowful, many with happier bottom lines. Last fall, with help from a therapist who specializes in financial disorders, I began the painful process of weaning myself from my portfolio. I changed my home page back to Yahoo. I stopped paying attention to the magazine analysts and heard-on-the-street pitch men. My girlfriend came back after I agreed never to mention Terry Keenan's name again. I began clicking by Myron Kandel and returned to watching "Seinfeld." Sure, I still own stocks and occasionally check their value, but I'm now a staunch buy-and-hold man. I've taken the first step to recovery by confessing to my addiction and the catharsis feels good. Who knows, maybe I'll start a 12-step program, open up branches, float an IPO. I'll call the company Portfolio Checkers Anonymous. Interested in a few shares? SALON \| Jan. 15, 1998 Daren Fonda is a freelance writer living in New York.