I don’t know exactly how I turned into a cat person. It wasn’t on purpose, I can tell you that much. I hated cat people (worse than dog people!) because cats don’t even do anything. They just sit there, indifferent to the world, licking their stupid fur for hours. By the way, my cat is licking his stupid fur right now, and it is sooo adorable.

Anyway, I have this cat, and now I’m a stupid cat person. And I have framed pictures of my cat. And I send cards with pictures that look like my cat. And I will stop in the middle of anything — work, conversations, sex (well, work and conversations) — to look at an adorable cat video. So it is with great glee, it is with pride and satisfaction and cat hair attached to my clothing, that I tell you of a new study suggesting that cat owners are 30-40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack or stroke than people who don’t own cats. The study added, “No protective effect of dogs as domestic pets was observed.” Meooow. How do you like them apples, chihuahua lovers?! Of course, cat owners are also more likely to be eaten by their cat after dying of some other disease, like choking on hairballs or being mauled for dressing the tabby in a lion costume. But that’s another study. Today we crack open the wet food for this promising news for cat ladies everywhere. To celebrate? Let’s take a nap.