The other day, while standing in a grueling grocery line, I picked up one of those glossy women's magazines. "8 Things He Craves in Bed!" the cover line shouted at me. "The Answers Will Surprise You!" I figured -- eh, here I am, why don't I find out? It must be proof of my enduring optimism (cynicism has not worn me down … yet!) that I actually believed I might discover what he actually craves (M&Ms? Strap-ons? The warm, soggy embrace of adult diapers?). But instead I found another boring assemblage of sexual clichés: He would like a threesome. Ladies, he might even like a foursome. Yawn. Good luck with that.

So I am delighted to offer you a new report from the Onion: "The Cosmopolitan Institute Completes Decades-Long Study on How to Please Your Man."

It took a lot of work, but as the institute's lead moan zone researcher reports, "We've accurately mapped every superhot sex zone on the male human body." These thorough, bold discoveries have been cataloged in the new scientific journal, "1,250,444 Ways to Please Your Man." I bet one of those involves M&Ms.

(Spoiler alert: The video below kicks off with some NSFW language.)

Please tell me, because I'm genuinely curious: Has anyone ever learned any useful information from Cosmo?