My sister is having an illicit affair

I'm sworn to secrecy, but I think maybe I should tell the rest of my family.

By Cary Tennis

Read more: France, Advice, Family, Adultery, Cary Tennis, Justice, Since You Asked, Life, emotional pain

May 18, 2007 | Dear Cary,

You've been writing quite a bit lately about who has the right to tell a story (i.e., the dad who wanted to tell his daughter about his ex-wife's abortions, the relative who wanted to spill the beans about the adoptive dad and Chinese ancestry, etc).

I have another one. I suppose the answer is going to be the same: This is not my story to tell. But I'll ask your advice anyway.

My younger sister is a beautiful, blond, brilliant 32-year-old with a high-powered job in a coastal big city. She's classy and cute and smart and kindhearted. She's doing great in her chosen profession.

And she repeatedly chooses really bad men. About five years ago, it was the asshole who intentionally -- yes, intentionally! -- gave her herpes. He waited until he had an outbreak, then invited her over for a glass of wine.

The latest in her string of bad men? A three-year relationship with a married man. This man, who initially was her superior at work, has two young kids with his wife. One was born before his relationship with my sister started. The other was born about eight months ago.

My sister and I are close -- but not as close as she and my other sister are. (The two of them are really tight -- I'm a bit of a black sheep, but I love my sisters just the same.) The thing is, my big-city sister has not told our other sister, who really is her soul mate of sorts, about her affair. She has told only me. The reason for this, I assume, is that she knows I will not be as judgmental about it, because I've got something of a wild-and-crazy past (now finished!). Our other sister had a cheating husband and isn't as likely to look kindly on my sister's decision to keep up this relationship with a married man. She also has not told my mother, who has very strong feelings about the sanctity of marriage. She begs me to never, ever breathe word of this.

For a long time, I was not judgmental of this affair. I figured she was having fun, and at some point, my sister would come to her senses and go looking for available and decent men to marry -- because she does, in fact, say she wants marriage and children in the long term.

But it's just not happening. About every six months, my big-city sister calls me in a fit of hysteria, weeping and weeping, because she had a fight with this married man, or she just found out his wife is pregnant, or whatever crisis is threatening their affair. Each time, she swears it is "over." The M.M. (married man) is not necessarily nice to her. I think he is smart, and witty, and rich. I think he enjoys my sister's company. (We all do -- she's wonderful fun.) But he has no plans to leave his wife and children, and gets actively hostile when my sister dates other men. This doesn't happen as often as it used to, anyway.

I am just sick with sadness, watching my sister spend some of her best years -- her childbearing years, the last of her youthful-glamour years, her "finally grown-up" years -- with this married man. It breaks my heart. The most recent falling out, in late February, I really thought my sister would stick with it and finally move on. She didn't. Although she does not admit it to me, I'm fairly certain she is still sleeping with him and seeing him regularly.

My sister wants me to come visit this summer. (I haven't been in a long, long while, as I have young children.) Although I would love to go visit, when I asked myself why I was stalling in buying the plane ticket, I realized it was because I'm so dang angry at her for throwing so much away on this boob.

Sometimes, when I think about it, I wonder what would happen if I told my mom and our other sister -- both of whom often ask me if I have any idea why my big-city sister stopped dating so suddenly three years ago. I'm sure my sister would be furious. But she also might finally get over this guy and move on. I really think our other sister would not be as upset as we think -- I think that, as my big-city sister's soul mate and confidante, she might have some support and insight that I'm not able to provide. Maybe she'd help our sister move on.

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