TODAY

Drama Queen candidates
The best of the worst of what you did

Contestant No. 1
Contestant No. 2
Contestant No. 3

Vote now!

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TABLE TALK

To spank or not to spank: Join the debate in the Mothers area of Table Talk

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ARCHIVES

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Mamafesto
By Camille Peri
Why it's time
for Mothers Who Think

[ CONTESTANT No. 2 ]

AN AFFAIR TO NOT REMEMBER
By Arlene Green
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I warn you, this is evil. Once you read this you might send the men in white to collect me. Please remember -- I was provoked.

It all begins with my husband's ex-wife. When I first met her we got along well enough. She had left him because she was a lesbian. I understood that; I am cosmopolitan. My husband didn't, but this isn't his story. Everything was fine until one night when she made a pass at me. I tried to be kind. She flopped down on the couch and proclaimed that it was all her fault. I felt bad but I figured that was the end of it.

In retrospect, I should have listened a little bit closer when my husband ranted about her psychopathic ways.

This woman didn't need me to have an affair with. She made one up that was probably better than anything I could have actually provided -- and then proceeded to tell everyone I knew about it. She also gave them strict orders not to tell me because I was "still in the closet and couldn't handle the confrontation." Her fatal mistake was in telling the gas station attendant.

It was a dark and stormy night. I wandered into the gas station and the attendant looked at me and said, "Say, aren't you ---------'s new lover?"

The look on my face must have been priceless because he immediately knew something was wrong. He asked me, "Aren't you Arlene?" Well, one thing led to another and I found out that she had come into the station with a mutual friend of ours. They had been discussing our supposed relationship -- in graphic detail.

I scurried home and called the mutual friend and demanded to know exactly what the heck was going on. Apparently everyone knew; everyone but me. (Pity I wasn't there. Sounded as if I had a wonderful time and some really good sex.)

When I tackled the ex on this she insisted that it was all my fault. I had led her on and then crushed her with my rejection. The phone call ended with her calling me a skank and hanging up.

The next day when I checked the mail there was an official looking envelope from the next county, addressed to my husband. Apparently my husband owed some back child support. But it didn't make sense because the ex never had custody of the kids. I found out she had obtained welfare under false pretenses and now they were looking for someone to pay it back. Now, from the dates, I knew that this had been done when the ex was heavily addicted to speed. Normally I would have called them and told them that we had had custody of the kids and left it at that. But I was still pissed. I called them and told them that we had had custody of the kids at the time the welfare was drawn and that I knew exactly where they could find their mother if they wanted her.

They found her and she almost went to jail. She ended up having to move because she could no longer afford her condo after they garnisheed her wages.

I have always felt like a rat when I look back. What she did was not a sane act, and the welfare thing was illegal, but my revenge cost her way more than what her weirdness cost me.

Feel free to call those men in white now. Warn them that I have two very big dogs.

SALON | May 4, 1998

Contestant No. 1 | Contestant No. 2 | Contestant No. 3 | Vote now!